hanging my tomorrows on the bones of yesterday

I have now put all the separate therapy sections under their own searchable tags.


Therapy stuff:
CBT Daily Check in with feelings wheel
Communication,
Anxiety,
Stress Management,
Anger, &
Self-Esteem
Shadow Work.

other things
Shadow Work journaling promptssocial and relational skills,
basic check-in with yourself.
Neurodivergent-friendly DBT

Lots of these are locked posts. PM me or message here if you want access.

Growing Healthy Friendships is a big part of the long-term maintenance of any circle of friends. You may wish to read this short article before considering the next questions.


Some things I have done in the past that have damaged my relationships with one or more circles are _____

Some things I have done in the past that have helped me maintain relationships are _____

Changes I could make in the way I relate to my circles include _____

One small step I am willing to take today to start this process is _____

Marsha Linehan of the University of Washington developed a treatment called Dialectical Behavior Therapy. In it, she identified three important aspects of effective communication that can serve as a helpful format for improving communication skills. She called these "interpersonal effectiveness skills" and identified three different types of effectiveness: objective effectiveness, relationship effectiveness, and self-respect effectiveness. The information in this tool was adapted from Cognitive-Behavioral Treatment of Borderline Personality Disorder (Linehan, 1991)

Objective effectiveness refers to obtaining your objective, getting what you want or need in a given situation. Many people have legitimate wants or needs; however they simply go about achieving them in ineffective ways when overcome with intense emotions. That is, their goals are fine, but the way they go about getting what they want doesn't work.

Describe a need or want that you have now: _____

Now, answer these questions:
What do I really want?

In the past, what things have I tried that didn't work to get what I want?

What were the results of my attempts?

What would be the worst way to go about getting what I want? What would make it least likely?

What would be the best way?

Relationship effectiveness is the art of maintaining or improving relationships while you are attempting to get what you want or need. Think back to the relationship cycles in which you examined how your behavior affected someone else. Maintaining relationships effectively requires that you act in a way that influences others to like you while you are attempting to get what you want.

Relationships I have lost or damaged by acting ineffectively while attempting to get what I want or need include: _____

Some of the behaviors that were ineffective were: _____

Behaviors that may be more effective that I might try next time are: _____

Self-respect effectiveness involves maintaining good feelings about yourself while going about getting what you want or need. As previously discussed, all humans act less rationally and demonstrate less self control when their emotions are running high. People who find themselves in difficult or unhealthy situations often struggle with self esteem issues to begin with. Then, when they get emotional and do or say something they regret later, it reinforces unhealthy core beliefs such as "I am bad" or "I can't do anything right." Self-respect effectiveness allows us to go about trying to get what we want in a way that we will feel good about and respect ourselves when the interaction is over, regardless of whether we achieved our objective.

One time I felt guilty or lost respect for myself after an argument with someone I cared about was _____

Things I did or said in that altercation which contributed to losing respect for myself were _____

How do I want to feel about myself after my next confrontation with a loved one?

Things I do or say differently that might help me feel better about myself might be _____



[Adapted from The CBT Workbook by Jeff Riggenbach]

An I-statement is any thought or feeling beginning with the word I. Since using the word you can put people on the defensive, it contributes to breakdowns in communication. Arguments often escalate, not because someone was wrong, but because of how we communicate through defensive feelings of perceived attack. Although it is easy to disagree with an interpretation of facts, it is much harder to argue with how someone feels. The following formula can be used to reframe your thoughts into I-statements.

1. What is the problem behavior?
2. Why didn't I like it? How did I feel when it happened?
3. What would I like the person to do next time instead?

Although people are responsible for various behaviors, blaming them is rarely helpful outside of cases of abuse. Nobody thrives in an atmosphere of blame. The most helpful approach, usually, is to is to assertively communicate what you see the problem to be, without labeling or name calling, and turn quickly to an action request. Example: "I feel neglected and unimportant when you are late picking me up. Could you set your alarm 5 minutes earlier to be more consistently on time?"

Many who have a passive style (and an undeserving belief) may think, "I don't have a right to make requests of someone else." Conversely, people who have a more aggressive style (and perhaps entitlement beliefs or who struggle with anger) may think, "They owe it to me - I'll make them give it", or thoughts of that nature. So, while some may have difficulty mustering up the nerve to communicate in I-statements, others are presented with the task of calming down enough to communicate in I-statements.

Three problems in my current relationships are:
1.
2.
3.

Using an I-statement, what would be an assertive way to communicate this problem to the other person:
1.
2.
3.

This week I will practice assertive communication with: _____

Effective communication has two parts, the sending of the message and the receiving of the message. Communication can break down when messages are sent in unhelpful ways or received in unhelpful ways. Up to this point, we have been mostly been dealing with your filters and how you receive messages. Effective communication also involves sending the message in a way that the other person can receive it in the spirit in which it was intended. (If you are autistic or it gives you anxiety to try to read minds, you do not have to do this, although assertiveness training can still make your social life less fraught.)

Everyone has a more difficult time communicating when emotions are running high. Some people are more prone to shut down and avoid, and others more prone to lash out. Developing an assertive communication style is an important skill for people seeking recovery of any kind.

What does it mean to you to be passive?

How about aggressive?

Passive-aggressive?

Aggressive communication is:
Loud, bossy, or pushy
Dominating or intimidating
Violates other's rights
"Gets their own way" at others expense
Steps on other's toes
Reacts instantly

Passive communication is:
Quiet, meek, or accommodating
Mild-mannered or people pleasing
Unable to speak up for themselves
Doesn't know how to have rights or boundaries
Gets toes stepped on
Reacts slowly or not at all

Assertive communication is:
Firm, direct, and honest
Clear, concise, and to the point
Respects the rights of others
Recognizes the importance of one's own needs and rights
Reacts thoughtfully

I would describe my communication style as: _____

As a result of my passive/aggressive communication style I experience the negative results: _____

One change I need to make in the way I communicate is: _____

One person in my life I will try to be more assertive with this week is: _____

In addition to the Thoughts&Feelings Awareness Log, now might be a good time to start keeping an ongoing log at the end of those posts, keeping track of positive evidence of the beliefs you are trying to encourage. If you want to, take baby steps out of your comfort zone, under your own power, and see how it turns out. You may surprise yourself.

[Adapted from The CBT Toolbox by Jeff Riggenbach]

Last time, we worked on the evidence log for our unhealthy beliefs, to understand how our experiences reinforce our beliefs. But our beliefs also color our experiences. We tend to see information that confirms our beliefs more easily than evidence that questions or disproves it. We have evidence to support the healthy beliefs as well, if we go looking for it or ask trusted friends and loved ones. If you come across evidence that you feel "shouldn't count", write it down anyway. Often we try to justify our negative beliefs by dismissing evidence, even when that is irrational.

Healthy belief:

Supporting evidence:
•
•
•
•
•

Healthy belief:

Supporting evidence:
•
•
•
•
•

[Adapted from The CBT Toolbox by Jeff Riggenbach]

Last time we identified core beliefs. Today's exercise is an extension of that: to identify whether the belief is healthy, and if not, what would be a more helpful belief to replace it with. Then you might want to write down a few problems created by the unhealthy belief, and how the new belief can fix those problems.

For example:
"I am/am not special" = unhealthy; "I am just as deserving as anyone else" = healthy.

My belief that I am special creates difficulty because it allows me to discredit other people's value and disrespect them.

Believing that I am just as special or deserving as any other person allows me to see the value in other people and treat them with respect more easily.

Remember: when you are replacing old thoughts and beliefs with new ones, you don't have to get everything exactly right the first time. Therapy is a process. Ideas need workshopped and refined, and that's okay.

"_____" = unhealthy;
"_____" = healthy.

Believing _____ creates difficulty because _____ and _____.

Believing _____ fixes those difficulties by _____ and _____.

"_____" = unhealthy;
"_____" = healthy.

Believing _____ creates difficulty because _____ and _____.

Believing _____ fixes those difficulties by _____ and _____.

"_____" = unhealthy;
"_____" = healthy.

Believing _____ creates difficulty because _____ and _____.

Believing _____ fixes those difficulties by _____ and _____.

[Adapted from The CBT Toolbox by Jeff Riggenbach]

In the tool for Identifying Distorted Thoughts we made a log of some of our common responses that we know are not rational. Challenging those thoughts with rational counterexamples can turn down the volume on the feelings produced by the distorted thought. It does not always make them go away entirely, but it makes things easier to deal with, and helps you implement the Alternative Coping Skills we came up with last post.

Distorted Thought: They don't care about me.
Rational Response: Maybe they care, but forgot. I have forgotten important things about people I care about before.

Distorted Thought:
Rational Response:

Distorted Thought:
Rational Response:

Distorted Thought:
Rational Response:

Distorted Thought:
Rational Response:

Distorted Thought:
Rational Response:

[Adapted from The CBT Toolbox by Jeff Riggenbach]

Last time we wrote about things we have done to communicate that seemed to work at the time, but either had negative long term consequences or are having immediate negative effects now. Make a list of your "autopilot" communication skills and their negative consequences.

When I am not consciously communicating I _____ and it leads to _____, _____, and _____.

When I am not consciously communicating I _____ and it leads to _____, _____, and _____.

When I am not consciously communicating I _____ and it leads to _____, _____, and _____.

When I am not consciously communicating I _____ and it leads to _____, _____, and _____.

When I am not consciously communicating I _____ and it leads to _____, _____, and _____.

[Adapted from The CBT Toolbox by Jeff Riggenbach]