hanging my tomorrows on the bones of yesterday

(The AC is still on the fritz and it is 83 degrees in here rn. Please forgive my brain for having a somewhat perma-fried grasp of logic and grammar until this is fixed.)

I have been listening to a lot of Taylor Swift’s most recent two albums, and she makes a cracked but uncommonly accessible truth-teller. You’re On Your Own, Kid is a masterful take on jilted love, and the freedom that acceptance of it brings. It’s not really relevant to my personal situation, which is maybe why my brain is taking refuge in it. I can analyze things outside my own life as though they are not tense, stressful, strained.

I had a slice of delta 8 gummy the other night which didn’t fix anything, and a glass of wine tonight since I’m all out of the muscle relaxant that I used to take to not tense up in my sleep. If this doesn’t work then I’m not sure what else I can try except valerian root, which I will take but man do I hate the smell of it.

But I need restful sleep, and I haven’t been getting it. Meow. Maybe it’s time to make myself cry from just … stress? I don’t know how to do that but I know that people do it, it’s a real thing.

If you have ideas or suggestions that aren’t to cut my losses and run, which is what my fear is telling me, then I am at home for hearing other solutions.

Today Ghost asked, of his own volition, if we could talk about the emails I wrote him, and then after work, I took a nap and then we actually had a productive discussion. At the end of it, he suggested that we have two discussions a week for a while. With no prompting or leading from me! Initiative was taken! Twice in the same day!

E x c i t e !!

My friend genderjumper introduced me to a thing he/they/she use in their relationships and I think it is GENIUS, so I'mma tell you about it!

So: I grew up in a household where being In Trouble was the worst thing that could happen to you, because you were no longer treated with respect or consideration until you earned your way back out of "Trouble". A lot of us around here have similar experiences with doing or saying a perfectly innocent thing, that other people then perceived as disrespectful because of their own social lenses and then BAM! In Trouble. So we learned to walk on eggshells, to never say anything that we didn't know other people's boundaries about, or to never say anything until it went through 5 different layers of masking and double-checking for anything that could possibly be taken as offensive.

Which was fucking exhausting, right? So now, we are adults, and we have maybe learned some tricks and found some people who don't judge us for communication differences, and that is SO GREAT for us. Go us!

But!

We still have all of these trained reactions keeping us from saying things in a timely manner. We still have all of this expectation of being judged lurking in our unconscious reactions and we need to figure out ways to bring up problems while they're still small. We need to talk about stuff in the moment, sometimes, without the 5 layers of masking that 90% of our words never make it through. So we need a way to set up a tool to ask for and receive and trade spaces of non-judgment over and above the usual levels of non-judgment that our friends and loves already give us. We need to ask for space to Say The Wrong Thing. It works like so:

Me: *is confused but needs to talk out a thing that I am afraid of getting In Trouble for*
Me: "I have Big Feelings about this thing that just happened, but I'm afraid that it won't come out right if I just talk about it. Can we try it anyway?"
You: "It's cool. Say the wrong thing, and we can talk around the problem until we figure out what you are trying to say."
Me: "And you won't judge me or get angry before we figure it out?"
You: "Nope, I'll try to hold some space for non-judgment, as long as you do the same when I need it from you."
Me: *talks out a problem with you as a sounding board*
Our Relationship: *no longer has that problem & flourishes*

It requires an understanding being in place between two people before saying the thing, but if you have someone who you trust with this kind of agreement, then I recommend putting it in place as soon as possible. It won't hurt to have the agreement in place before you are brave enough to test it out. And it worked for me, last night, so I am hoping it works for you, too.

( boring personal stuff: )

And yes, please share this around if you think it will help someone you know.

Meow. Time to drop a bomb, I guess? Ghost’s and my marriage may not be going to hit its 13th anniversary this May. I’m not sure what’s going on, but he thinks we will be able to change over from an apparently-though-not-to-me strained romantic relationship to a healthy living-together friendship. I am not sure I believe him about this.

I think we will be able to finish out most of our lease together, though I am not sure how rapidly or even whether we will evolve to the point of not wanting to live together. I am having the occasional moment of Big Feelings but I am mostly not feeling much yet. It will get worse later, but I have received multiple offers of emotional support, so my community are providing care for me. I kind of worry about Ghost since he has all of two people as his community and a four person family, none of whom have experienced his particular situation. But then, I guess I should probably detach from those worries somewhat if we’re going to be just friends. Meow.

You can ask questions, although I may not know answers yet. 🫂🫂🫂

In addition to Relationship Skills and General Emotional Skill Building, I’m going to start blogging more therapy questions and do locked posts of their answers.

I ordered myself a couple bars of sugar free mint chocolate when I ordered a friend some chocolate for her birthyday. So I can reward myself for finally getting these typed out.

( 26 Therapy Questions to Journal About: )
Now that I have prompts to blog about weekly for the next 6 months, I’m going to feed myself some lovely minty chocolate! w00t!

When I was with Xenoix, I didn't notice most of the toxic ways that he treated me because it was all stuff I did to myself, too. I think a lot of abusive behavior falls under that umbrella. We live in a society that teaches us to devalue ourselves and each other, and people don't realize how high the background radiation of toxicity is until they get enough self-knowledge and introspection to do any real good.

I am in a relationship theory Discord and it is dredging up some ways that I feel, some ways that I am, and some confusion that I have. Like this: I cannot tell the difference between nonsexual romance and friendship. At all. I don't know where the line is. There may not even be a line there. Like this: I can't define romance. According to how other people define it I am either dating most of my close friends, or I am not romantically involved with anyone, including Ghost and Merlin. IDEK.

So I am going to be intermittently studying relationship theory this winter and seeing where that takes me.

(And if you could define romance for me or the difference between romantic and sexual interest, I would be super interested in hearing your thoughts on this, since y'all are a pretty bright bunch.)

Who owes an apology for what and when/how is it best to do so?

Whose reponsibility is it to communicate decisions/feelings to social circles and how?

How and when do I communicate about visitors coming over, or social functions that I will be attending?

How do you calm yourself best, and how do I help you with that?

How do I help out at work events, or do I stay away?

How and what do we communicate to our families?

How do I communicate that I need space without upsetting you, or alternately, am I going to have to do work to calm you down when I am upset about something?

When do you need to hear verbal appreciation? About what areas of your life do you want validation?

How do we deal with gossip about us or our relationship?

What social occasions are welcome in our home, and which should be hosted elsewhere?

Do we get veto power over the people in our home?

What social boundaries do we each observe, and does anything about that bother us?

How much of our time will realistically be spent socializing?

When is it okay to ask for me to mediate? When is it okay for me to volunteer help in social situations?

How do we communicate with each other about feelings related to tge above topics?

How much alone time do I need, and how do I communicate that?

How does any of the above change when one of us is anxious or depressed?



the oh shit list:
What do we do in the event of a breakup? Who gets which friends in the divorce?

What do we do in the event that one of us has done something toxic or abusive? Who do we tell to help us work through this?

What is a reasonable time frame to work on each of our issues (bearing in mind that the answers are additive and not in parallel)?

I am out of practice arguing. That's the takeaway I am getting from reading The Usual Error, a book on miscommunications and how to fix them. Most things in the book that talk about arguments or hurt feelings are reminding me of relationships I had in my twenties, i.e. pre-Ghost. He and I don't really argue, or misunderstand each other much, or get worked up about it when we do. We feel generous and supported and supportive with each other and that's really nicer than anything I've ever had.

That link up there goes to a free e-book, BTW, so take advantage, y'all.

I still wonder how this relationship is going to get screwed up. I never do entirely trust to good things to maintain any sort of permanence in my life. I had to work on my attachment issues and learn to ask for things for this relationship, so it's not like I haven't had to work for this. But it still feels too easy somehow. Like nothing, good or bad, can ever be permanent or even very long-lasting. I had a relationship that was good for eight years, but it was so across several terrible arguments and rough patches. I don't know that I felt more secure in that relationship, but it at least felt like the rules of our relationship were not breaking the world.

I like my life, even though I have trouble lately breaking past the internalized ableism that makes me have to justify my existence in ways I did not used to. I have happiness in my friendships and relationships and my work. And I know, better than most people, how fragile that really is.

I know how fragile we all are, and how easy we are to lose.

I love you guys.

Since sensitive and sometimes privileged information could be referenced in these entries, make use of the privacy functions on your journal. Even if you have to keep a post privacy locked for your eyes only, it still counts as journaling. If you feel the need to state such delicate situations vaguely for privacy reasons, any friend will understand, and any non-friend can be encouraged to mind their business.

-- Prompts For Your Relationship --

1. Name ALL of the feelings you have for each other. The good and the bad: you can't start dealing with your feelings until you admit that you have them, and naming them will start that process. If you have to use a list of feelings to get the ball rolling, then so be it. Do you only feel certain feelings in certain situations? Write it out or make a note to write more about it later.

2. Set some short term and long term goals for your relationship. List achievable steps to those goals.

3. List problems that your relationship has had. How did you solve those problems? What concessions were made by each side? Is this an equitable balance? How would you like to solve problems in the future?

4. What do you trust about your partner? What are their reliable traits? List their strengths and dependable qualities.

5. Think about your parents relationship. Compare and contrast your relationship with theirs. Are there positive traits that you are trying to replicate? Are there negative traits that you are reproducing without intending to?

6. Write two love letters. The first is to yourself.

7. How does your relationship make you a better person? What aspects of yourself has your relationship inspired you to change? How has your relationship grown with you and your partner as people?

8. Anger shows us what is important to us. What do your arguments reveal about what you and your partner prioritize? Evaluate your priorities to make sure that you are not still working with an outdated understanding of yourself. What has changed in your priorities, that you need to talk over with your partner?


-- General Skill Building Prompts --

A. What is a conversation that you have been putting off having? Plan the conversation using respect, honesty, and gentleness.

B. Listen to your self-talk. What do you tell yourself when you experience negative emotions? Name your coping skills, both positive and negative, and list your methods of self-avoidance.

C. Recall times you have achieved a flow state. Are there some commonalities in the circumstances? How can flow be encouraged in your life?

D. Name your fears. Name the things you believe about yourself and the world that make you feel vulnerable.

E. What are things that make you feel trapped? What relieves that feeling? When do you feel free?

F. How does your body respond to your emotions? Describe the physical sensations of at least one of your emotional reactions. Follow up with this prompt after you have felt something intensely.

G. How are you betrayed by your expectations? When you do not get what you expect out of an interaction, what about that difference is upsetting to you? How do you want to handle it?

H. List your methods of self-care. What soothes you in times of difficulty?

I. Refer to the list of your fears. Pick one. List the efforts you have undertaken to guard against that fear. List the hopes you have given up on in order to avoid this fear coming to pass. Evaluate the usefulness of this fear based on this cost-benefit analysis.

J. List 10 traits you like about yourself.

“We don't see things as they are, we see them as we are.” --Anais Nin

“If you don't love yourself, you cannot love others. You will not be able to love others. If you have no compassion for yourself then you are not capable of developing compassion for others.” -- Dalai Lama

---

If I look at you and only see the parts of you that reflect myself back at me then I am not seeing you, I am seeing a distorted, incomplete version of myself. If the first things I notice about you are differences I don't understand then I may be tempted to Other you and deny any connection. ( So even if I'm paying attention to you, the attention that I'm paying is still self-centered, warped by that filter on my perception. )