hanging my tomorrows on the bones of yesterday

I went to a Summer Solstice festival, and had a gyro and didn’t get a headache despite walking around in the sun and heat! I bought a great big labradorite pendant for me, and a palm stone for a friend, and some hot sauce and a laser carved magnet for a different friend. I am ahead on getting people gifts this year! And I supported independent artists, so yay for that.

In homework news, I am done with the stupid answers to the Vision Board for Basic Ass People journal questions, as of this evening, so now that whole project is done. I have about half the material reviewed for the Science of Movement mid-term, and I’m about to start in on the A+P homework tomorrow morning.

In other news, Vahdam Teas’ Vanilla Matcha is delicious and amazing. And now? Now I knit.

I’m going on a journal-cleaning spree. If we have not really interacted in the last six months, I am probably going to unsubscribe from following you. I don’t have enough spoons and free time to follow all the people I still kinda want to. I deeply resent having to prioritize some kinds of human connection below real world practical considerations, but … such is life. 😞

I also will possibly be on here less to keep up with things for the next month or two, so if you have my contact info and want me to see a post of yours, please send me a link? School is going to head back into kick-my-ass mode here in another week or two, and possibly stay there as things move from science-heavy to the business and legal classes I am required to take. 😞😞😞

I have a headache just thinking about it.

I bought a Wreck This Journal at Half-Price Books on Monday because I am trying to find and dig in to the places that are uncomfortable this year, and I figure this might go along with the Shadow work? We’ll see. So far I’m mostly just having a small amount of fun … despite the intestinal wackness.

Bc I’m also sick today. Stepdad’s hour in the bathroom the other day seems to have been a picked up stomach bug from somewhere, and ofc he’s given it to Mom and I. It’s gross, but not actually much more painful or tired than is normal for me. I canceled today’s plans and need to text some folks about stocking up on ginger tea and electrolytes just in case I was contagious yesterday. Most intestinal things are fairly short of incubation period - even if they have a long period of contagion - so everyone I saw before Friday should be safe. But that still leaves a fair few people I’ve seen.

I am not best pleased by this, but it could be much worse, I suppose. I could have been contagious the first couple days here and gotten immune compromised folx sick. That would suuuuuuck.

Hope y’all are having a less crappy day than me, and that you get a Wreck This Journal if you are a perfectionist or afraid of annotating your books, your possessions, or your life. ✌️

• My genetic screening came back clear for all the cancer-causing mutations they know to test for. I will still be doing the anti-cancer/Eat The Rainbow/anti-microplastics stuff that I know how to do, but it is still a weight lifted.

• I got enough homework done despite the Terrible Brain Weasels of PDA and executive dysfunction to feel comfortable traveling to texas with my mom and stepdad. So I’m in DFW and hella fucking tired right now.

• Stepdad is a lot more irritable than he used to be, is following other cars too closely and then braking really hard to not h get in wrecks, and is puzzled that other cars keep getting out of his lane to avoid him despite his … kinda driving like a crazy person. I need to talk to him about that, and I need to look up how to have the conversation where I say “you didn’t talk to your doctor about cognitive testing, and your faculties are noticeably not what they were. We need to do something about this sooner rather than later, bc once it’s bad enough that you notice it, it will be too late for the meds to help very much.” I want to do it, but I don’t know how yet. I need scripts. 😕

• I have the chance to get the Battoo this week, and am tentatively planning that for Wednesday if I can find a way to see nyyki this week even though she’s kind of a ways away and I have no car.

• I have high hopes to see a bunch of people Thursday, Friday, and Saturday - and get a bunch more hugs, which I desperately need.

Seattle is okay, and I think it would not be a terrible place to call home in a year, a year and a half.

My sinuses are clearer than they are in TX, even if not as clear as they are in WV and PA. The pressure swings are only about as bad as DFW, so my bones won’t hurt extra. The temps might be problematic in deeper winter, but so far it’s fine? And the company is good.

Meow. I am, however, having an inexplicable low-energy, feel-sad, be-anxious type of day today, and I’m not sure what to do about that. I’m going to try to ping the folks I’m staying with again, and see if they will come downstairs and get started on this day.

How have y’all’s weeks been? I had a bunch of stuff I could complain about but it's mostly things like "Had to spend 3 hours in a loud crowd and almost had a meltdown" that are over now, and the less I dwell on that aggravation, the better. Also our apartment complex is playing chicken with the US post office about whose responsibility it is to replace and repair the mailboxes, meanwhile we're not getting any mail.

*tears out hair* 

I came across a therapy-snippet by Nate Postlethwait the other day that said "Please be patient with those who have a hard time articulating how they feel. Many of them grew up in environments where no matter what they said, it was not enough to be heard. Their default to feel safe, is to stop sharing. Again, patience please." And I felt that in my soul. But like, that's not just me, that's a fair number of my flist and a bunch of other folks I know IRL, especially the neurodivergent kids whose parents were allistic or a different flavor of neurospicy. We all got told what we “meant” by what we were trying to communicate, and it was always incorrect, and (I know in my case) it always felt like an accusation about the kinds of people we were. Eventually people either learn to not talk about shit, even though that's detrimental long-term, or we go the other direction and become fighty, combative assholes about anything that feels accusatory. Some of us get both! (depending on the day of the week and whether we consider it possible to be heard by that person)

*shrugs*

Next year is going to suck pretty hard for me, I think, so I’m gathering ye rosebuds etc, and seeing all of the IRL friends that I can afford to, and trying not to spend much money to do so. Hopefully I get finances figured out by October. But it sure would be nice to have a mailbox to get my bank card delivered to. 😖 I may have to get a post office box to take care of that. Aargh.

In good news, I have now backed up my computer, and my photos in my phone, and re-strung my (very subtle) pentagram necklace with more labradorite beads so it looks much more cohesive than it did before. I have done one of the sleeves of the hooded duster I’m knitting, and am almost done with the short rows for the sleeve cap on the other side. After this sleeve, it’s mostly just the pockets, figuring out the rest of the decorative edging on the bottom of the duster, and sewing on buttons and buttonhole backings to invisibly mark which hole the buttons go in. Hmm, I should do some progress photos, shouldn’t I? Next time, for sure.

I’m having buyers remorse I guess? About wanting a divorce. About getting what I hope I want out of something that is going to suck pretty hard for at least a year, if you start counting from now, which I am. So I’m just trying to remind myself that I don’t have to settle for feeling unhappy and lonely in my marriage, or constantly watchful/under threat in this state.

We’re going to the attorney tomorrow to start filing paperwork for a no-fault divorce with spousal support. I think my hind brain may be having part of its shit-fit over whether I “deserve” that, and if not, how do I make that happen. And I need to keep telling myself that Ghost volunteered. It was his idea, even. I was a good enough spouse for him, even if I am ending things now. It’s okay. It’s okay. It’s going to be okay.

I have emailed like twenty therapists on Psychology Today, and gotten word back from two of them so far. I’m vetting their profiles first, then putting together a Google Doc of the few folks who respond, and Ghost will get emailed the document tomorrow night and can pick someone out to start with. And then we’ll see how this dance goes, I guess.

In other news I have feelings, so I guess I’d better write those down. ( Read more... )

Today Ghost asked, of his own volition, if we could talk about the emails I wrote him, and then after work, I took a nap and then we actually had a productive discussion. At the end of it, he suggested that we have two discussions a week for a while. With no prompting or leading from me! Initiative was taken! Twice in the same day!

E x c i t e !!

This week has been so busy! Helping people move, packing and throwing stuff away, visiting with out of town friends, processing and having conversations, bleaching and trying to dye my hair and failing, being given yet more yarn to post on my Ravelry stash, contemplating getting rid of books. If you want some free books let me know?

Today has been too busy to feel things, so I am just going to knit and collapse. G’night.

[update: the Promethea trade paperbacks are now spoken for.]