hanging my tomorrows on the bones of yesterday

Self-care today: read poetry, knee-elbow touches and spider-crawls, and taking to rens_sanctuary.

I pissed off a friend this morning, and I am not sure how, and that’s always a lovely feeling, right? /s And one of the people I want to complain to and process with is being annoyingly still dead. Goddamnit, Bat. Get your ass back here and haunt me like a real ghost, so I don’t look like a mad person with all this talking to myself.

*sighs forever*

Do you ever want to like, cosplay as your dead friends? I want to put on Bat’s amazingly ditzy Karen-sona who needs to speak to your manager and call Visa about Steam. I just. Do you ever want to like wander around a grocery store being a goofball, swordfighting with found objects, and leaving “For Rectal Use Only” stickers on things? Just occasionally let the part of you that that one person brought out back into the world?

Right now I want the world to miss Bat the way I do, even though that’s 1., not possible; B., seriously petty and fucked up; and on the third hand, not everyone even has a blog to complain and emotionally process on. Get those feelings on the page where you can process that shit, I say.

9. What was this year’s most memorable experience?

The three most memorable experiences were Bat dying, C ghosting/friend-dumping me, and Ghost not talking to me for three days. Despite those being the memorable experiences, it’s still been a year full of connection and quiet joys. It was not terrible even if a lot of things ended that I was attached to.

I don’t think that “memorable” equates to “most important”, especially not for people who have trauma. Our brains are catastrophizing bastards that preferentially remember the bad stuff that might come back to threaten us in the future. That doesn’t make it correct in its priorities.

https://www.techradar.com/health-fitness/everybody-walks-wrong-this-walking-expert-gives-four-tips-to-help-improve-your-posture-and-age-proof-your-body Sports scientist discussing how people walk in the modern age and what it does to our bodies plus how to fix it.

https://yourlocalepidemiologist.substack.com/p/expect-an-updated-covid-19-vaccine “Covid-19 vaccines continue to provide additional protection every year but wane at 4 months due to the emergence of new variants.” So expect new variants to be covered by the booster vaccines this fall.

https://www.tumblr.com/juniperpomegranate/752505997742981120 A reminder that schizophrenia, mania, and psychosis are more common than people are led to believe, and you need to have a plan for if someone you love starts having the Funky Brain Troubles.

https://www.yahoo.com/lifestyle/scientists-discovered-cause-inflammatory-bowel-161717540.html
Inflammatory Bowel Disease may have targeted treatments in our lifetime, due to a new discovery of the genetic underpinnings of the disease.

https://www.tumblr.com/religion-is-a-mental-illness/704509429854420992?source=share the Ames Window is a demonstration of the limits of human perception.

“You can be extremely certain about how you perceive the world, your "lived experience," that which you "feel it in my heart." But that doesn't mean it's actually true. And it doesn't mean we have to endorse it, or ignore or outright deny objective reality.”

https://www.fda.gov/medical-devices/safety-communications/do-not-use-cue-healths-covid-19-tests-due-risk-false-results-fda-safety-communication Covid tests by Cue Health are no longer recommended by the FDA for giving a high percentage of false-negative results. If your work gives out these tests, please be aware that they are risking your and other’s lives and disabilities.

https://www.punkwithacamera.com/products/chaos-marine-trans-people-existing-does-nothing-negative-to-your-life-you-cry-baby-bitch-40k-bumper-sticker-11-5x3? Fun bumper sticker for pride month

( friend drama thoughts for memory’s sake )

So one of the ways that Bat was particularly unwise was that they were fucking/possibly dating the toxic and arguably abusive ex of their employer, who for this post we shall call C. ( cut for some tea, quite long )

I have talked with a couple of C and I’s mutual friends, and I am debating whether to spill more than this much tea, because I know some damaging stuff that this development puts in a different light. If C is projecting their guilt and is manipulative enough to think it’s cool to premeditate dropping people without checking any facts at the source, asking any clarifying questions, or letting people know that they messed up so they get a chance to repair the relationship? That is not a good foundation for a friendship. I want people to be safe. And if C thinks that telling tales out of school is the way to go on that, then maybe it is time for me to protect other people from them.

For those of us dealing with brain fuckery: Dealing With Executive Dysfunction: a masterpost.

For those who could use a few chuckles at the expense of militaries the world over: Schlock Mercenary’s The Seventy Maxims of Maximally Effective Mercenaries - “Your name is in the mouths of others. Make sure it has teeth.”

For my historical-foodie types, The Sifter just launched and I am HYPE:
"The Sifter is a public database, free to all users. It is a tool for finding and comparing historical and contemporary writing on food and food-related topics. It is overseen by an advisory board composed of members from The Oxford Symposium on Food and Cookery as well as other friends of food history. As with Wikipedia, the Sifter will be populated by its users. All entries will have an English translation, enabling users to search languages they cannot read. Soon, we will have over 100 languages represented. Registered users will be able to make corrections and add new information. Future releases will include a data visualization component. We also plan to include more resources linking to digitized photographs, artworks, television and film. With the aid of this tool, it is our hope that what has been invisible will come into focus."

Things I am reading to write a cool Midsummer ritual: Litha Lore, How to Celebrate Litha, and Litha, the Summer Solstice.

Thing I might take myself to see on my birthyday, if the afternoon tea doesn’t pan out: Impressionism Exhibition at the Dallas Museum of Art

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My anxiety is swinging back up this week, because Bat’s memorial is on the Glorious 25th of May, and I am one of the people putting this thing together. ( Read more... )

I have a stress headache, I think. I should get up and take stuff for that.

I love y’all. Thank you for being good to each other, and to me, and for being one less source of suck in the world, one more fountain of joy.

My toe was already much less achey this morning, and today I wore the hiking boots with the stiff, inflexible soles to protect the toes. So now I can flex my feet gently and it doesn’t hurt at all, bc my toes were basically immobilized all day. By tomorrow I should be fine for work, with any luck.

I am doing the last of the Bat-laundry, and his stuff in his room is all packed up as of 4:30 this afternoon. I listened to Don’t You Forget About Me (the theme song from their favorite movie) today without crumbling. I think I am getting past the worst part of the grief? I have still not had an actual panic attack yet, just the pre-attack symptoms.

We still need to tackle the storage unit, but that will get planned out for a crowd of folks if I have anything to say about it. I can be Southern-Gothic “nice” to those involved whom I don’t like, and Bat would even support me in that, I bet he’d think it was hilarious.

i have some good advice from a friend today, which is that I should plan a day or two when this is over to just stare off into space or watch Ghibli movies and process. i am now definitely planning on doing that.
( death admin stuff )

It feels like it should be possible to grieve for a couple of hours a day and then turn my feelings off so that I can get things done. But turning them back on is apparently the hard part right now? My brain doesn’t trust me to be safe about grief. So I’m going to think carefully around the edges of this sinkhole in myself, and gently allow my attention to come to the edge. Maybe next post I’ll take my socks and shoes off, let my feet hang into it to feel the chill of the breeze whistling down into this loss of my stable bedrock. ( feeling my way towards my feelings )