Some ramblings

[flamingsword]

Meow.

I am doing about four loads of Bat’s laundry this evening, with about seven more to go, which is probably a bit less than completely sane, I know.

I get that we should just throw away all the fabric the cats peed on, but I kind of can’t bear to think of anything of his getting tossed that is remotely salvageable. I know that quite a few people will want mementos, and I want there to be things to give them that are not biohazards. I’m thinking about making a bunch of the last smellgoods I made him, to hand out at his memorial this spring, like the Party Favors OF DEATH! He would laugh at that, I think.

I’m mostly fine tonight, It’s just - nobody warned me that there would be this much cat vomit involved in cleaning up after dead people I care about. And I’m not easily grossed out or anything, I just … wasn’t prepared for being the only person taking on this part of Bat’s meager estate. Those chuckleheads better step up when we have to clear out the storage unit though. *shakes menacing fist*

I am now in a bacefook group text chat with people I have only met a few times, trying to get everything taken care of, and there are several of us, but I am probably the only one who isn’t too grossed out by Bat’s former living conditions to function. I think that’s why he reached out to me on this instead of them, maybe? That his trauma about having people in his room and possibly yelling played well with my disinclination to get loud for anything other than laughter. That my brain having the Mom Friend Override™️ was familiar enough that they were okay letting me Mom them a little.

Originally, the plan to move Bat was that he and I would be packing and cleaning together, and that would make it easier for their executive function to … y’know, function. More hands making lighter work and all. We were going to set up bimonthly task hangs with the gf they would be living near, and the three of us would daydrink and listen to 80’s New Wave and clean his place so that it didn’t get that bad again.

But then he got what was probably the flu, and his heart/blood pressure has not been great since the second time he got Covid, and I think he may have decided to take a bunch of Benadryl to sleep through being sick and cold during the freezing weather (because he’d done that before and been fine). I especially think so seeing as the cops have not come back to his next of kin and said anything about his death being unusual in any fashion. I think maybe he was still planning on his body responses to unwise levels of sedative use being the same as when he was pre-Covid/somewhat healthier. And then he just … died, instead.

Some of that is my personal speculation, and I don’t know that we will ever know for sure. Dallas is not known for the awesome competence of its cops, so 🤷.

Thanks for listening to me process. I’m getting a better handle on this particular grief, and am now mostly resigned to the feeling of occasionally coming across something that reminds me of Bat and feeling like I’ve swallowed a sharp piece of ice. But it feels like that a noticeable degree less than last week. So: progress. I’ll take it.

Comments

[ex_flameandsong751]

Um. Hi. *shuffles awkwardly*

I am very sorry for your loss. May his memory be a blessing. I don't know what to say - I suck ass at platitudes, as you know, but I know this is a rough time for you.

...Apologies if this comment is unwelcome after all the everything but I felt like I needed to say something in this particular situation because, like. Yanno. *hands*

[flamingsword]

Thank you. It has been rough this last month. His memory is a blessing, and will hopefully feel more blessing-y as time goes on. And I don’t require platitudes - I know that if you’re saying anything at all, that you mean it.

I owe you like five to ten times the level of apology that I would ever expect for you assuming the worst of me one time. I harbor no ill will against you, because I saw, with a lot of hindsight, how your trauma and what you were accustomed to getting from other people would lead you to that assumption. And my behavior did not exactly help de-escalate things, so … yeah.

If you ever want the full apology, let me know? I don’t think I’m ready to go back to being buddies, as I’m still not great at recognizing where boundaries are likely to be in unfamiliar contexts. I don’t think I’m a safe person for you, but you are still someone I care about. I’m figuring out how to navigate that, though.

I hope you enjoyed your recent holy day, and thank you again for the kind words.

[ex_flameandsong751]

I don’t think I’m ready to go back to being buddies, as I’m still not great at recognizing where boundaries are likely to be in unfamiliar contexts. I don’t think I’m a safe person for you, but you are still someone I care about. I’m figuring out how to navigate that, though.

I still care about you too, yes after everything, but after the last 12+ months I've had I agree with that assessment. I emphatically do not hate you - I was very angry for awhile but it was not hatred, it was my trauma issues - and I appreciate that you stood up for me during the Snowflake fail when you could have thrown me under the bus like "yeah that dude's an asshole, fuck him". [I know I've said that in public but here it is directly to you.] My distance is not an "I think you're horrible". I miss you, but also I think that the boundary issues re: how our respective trauma and communication styles play together are too fraught at this time to be buddies again, which doesn't mean you're a bad person, it just means I need to wrap my brain in bubble wrap for awhile. I don't know how long awhile is, I don't think either of us know. I have resubscribed since I notice you subscribed, but it's going to be cordial from a distance for the time being, because of that need to be cautious on both sides.

OK. *quick hugs* My holiday was OK, thank you. I have a babka cake.

[flamingsword]

Yay for cake! And yeah, I’m glad the emotional math on that makes sense from both sides.

[princessofgeeks]

I am so sorry. This is really hard. Take care of yourself.

[flamingsword]

I am doing self-care, and on Saturday I’m letting some friends (who were less close to Bat but knew them) take care of me and feed me fish and stuff. It will be a welcome respite.

I hope all of your loved ones are immortal, with well-behaved pets, and flawless executive function. It should happen for someone, even if it can’t be me. 🥲

[sabotabby]

You're a good friend.

I'd do the laundry as well. I don't know, throwing stuff out just seems final.

*hugs*

[flamingsword]

Yeah, we can always go back and throw stuff away later, but we can’t un-toss something that got tossed in the trash and is gone.

I kinda want to nab all of his old clothes that have holes in them and crochet them into a rag rug, since they are unlikely to be wanted by people that are not me. Bat would have been proud to know that he continued to contribute to the arts and crafts world after his death.

[sabotabby]

Oh, that's a really beautiful idea.

One of my friends had to get rid of all of their old band t-shirts with holes and didn't quite want to part with them, so they made a giant quilt. Won second in their small town quilting bee, too.

[numb3r_5ev3n]

Crap. I feel like I should be helping with this. I've had a resurgence of Not Covid and some depression that I'm finally clawing my way out of. Let me know if there is anything else which needs to be done.

[flamingsword]

The car and his room are almost done, but I might tag you in on a Saturday or something if we need extra help with the storage unit? That probably won’t be for another couple of weeks yet, though.

[numb3r_5ev3n]

OK, let me know.

[flamingsword]

Will do. Thanks for offering to show up for Bat. It is meaningful to me, and would have been for him, too. Bat would not approve of us feeling bad for taking care of our own needs first, so you can lay that to rest.

Since making this post, more people have also been showing up to work on stuff in his room, so that’s a lot less overwhelming. And now the room is almost done. I’m not sure how we’re going to unpack his car, but … we’ll think of something. Yes, we will.