Spilled tea and ghosting

[flamingsword]

So one of the ways that Bat was particularly unwise was that they were fucking/possibly dating the toxic and arguably abusive ex of their employer, who for this post we shall call C. I found this out about maybe three months before Bat died, even though it had been going on for at least three months before that. Bat had addiction-related history in common with the dude, they had started talking after Bat sold them some drugs at C’s urging, and later started comparing stories about Bat’s employer, who they were a caregiver for, and started realizing that C had fed each of them very different “from a certain point of view” versions of events, before C got away from toxic asshole ex.

I had kind of forgotten about it in the lead up to all of this. There was a bunch of shit going on, with my cousin’s death, Bat dying, all the work that lots of us put into cleaning up after him and his whole life. I wound up having to explain this to C a couple months ago. They noticed that the Friends of Batrick failbook group contained the ex, forthwith referred to as Stupidhead. I told C about how Stupidhead, who physically pushed C one time and whined at them a lot and verbally threatened them one time that I have heard of and was to my genuine knowledge an unhelpful asshole, had been bumping uglies with their friend Bat. C seemed to take this with some shock but after they processed it, I never heard about it again. Well, not from them.

Cut to the night of the memorial, and C and I were listening to one of Bat’s other lovers tell hilariously tasteless jokes, and being conversational with each other, despite Stupidhead being halfway across the backyard. I am overstimulated, have been helping other people for like 7 hours, and suddenly need to sit down. Then I realized that if I didn’t go home right then, I would not have spoons to drive and was rapidly hemorrhaging spoons. I text C an apology when I leave for suddenly bailing, but figure that they are in the disability community, they know what it’s like.

According to some of the other attendees, after the eulogy, when C took the mic they talked about how Bat helped get them away from their abuser, while not naming any names but occasionally glaring at Stupidhead. Enh, it’s Bat’s funeral, what would it be without some drama that he himself had started, right? Anyway:

In the morning, when I wake up and check my messages including Discord, I notice that C’s Discord server has vanished, and I go to tell them that some weird Discord fuckery is happening but my message doesn’t go through. And if you are right now thinking, “Did they actually ghost flamingsword for not tattling on Bat? Is that a thing they did?” Then you win a prize. I had zero clue. I was given no clues, and then bounced from their life after they had no more use for me.

Did I mention that I had been friends with this person for at least three years? That I was one of the people who helped move them away from Stupidhead? That I had done them multiple favors at their asking since Bat’s death, including after they knew about my not having tattled on Bat? I get that their feelings were hurt by Bat going behind their back and lying to them, but frankly that has nothing to do with me. I’m just the last person standing here.

They have spun this to mutual friends as that I did not keep them safe from their abuser, as though my trusting Bat to never let Stupidhead know where they lived was the wrong call, and I can kind of see it … except for the part where they kept stringing me along letting me think things were fine until they could pick the moment most likely to do emotional damage. And you know what? Fuck that noise. You want to be angry at Bat? That is so fair. You want to be angry at me? Also fair. You want to string me along to drop me when it’s convenient because you are uncomfy telling people that they messed up ever? Uhhh, dude, that is uncool.

I get that C has trauma. I do. But trauma triggers immediate reactions. It doesn’t cause people to lie in wait for more than 2 months.

So: I was so very unimportant to someone who claimed to be my friend that instead of bothering to tell me that I had fucked up, they apparently premeditated dropping me for months and decided to do so the morning after our mutual friend’s memorial, when emotions were sure to be running high, when the potential for maximum unsettling would happen. That’s the kind of thing where I’m actually kind of grateful at the moment that this person showed themselves the door. That is not just petty, that is calculated to do damage, and I’m glad that I am too stubborn and emotionally detached for it to work on me. At the moment I’m just aggravated and deeply unimpressed.

I have talked with a couple of C and I’s mutual friends, and I am debating whether to spill more than this much tea, because I know some damaging stuff that this development puts in a different light. If C is projecting their guilt and is manipulative enough to think it’s cool to premeditate dropping people without checking any facts at the source, asking any clarifying questions, or letting people know that they messed up so they get a chance to repair the relationship? That is not a good foundation for a friendship. I want people to be safe. And if C thinks that telling tales out of school is the way to go on that, then maybe it is time for me to protect other people from them.

Comments

[sabotabby]

*hugs hugs hugs*

[flamingsword]

Thanks.

[silk_dragon_zen]

I/we know you're hurting right now and need support. So while we want to respond to several of the things you said in this post, we also know you need the space to vent even if later you change your mind about some of what you said or come to see things in a different light. And that's okay.

There is one thing I think it might help you to know because it wouldn't be fair not to take responsibility for our own actions here:

You wrote:
[quote] They have spun this to mutual friends as that I did not keep them safe from their abuser, [...] [close quote]

It wasn't C's idea. This was 100% us SilkDragons' (mainly mine and Dor's with a little input from Ben). C didn't disagree with our assessment, though they didn't fully see it till after they had a week or so to process what we'd said.

You wrote:
[quote] Bat sold them some drugs at C’s urging, and later started comparing stories about Bat’s employer, who they were a caregiver for, and started realizing that C had fed each of them very different “from a certain point of view” versions of events, before C got away from toxic asshole ex. [/quote]

It took us a while to remember this after you reminded us a few months ago. Yeah, this happened all right and it's a measure of just how unsafe C felt living with someone as dangerous as Stupidhead. That wasn't something C did lightly. Also, even if Stupidhead wasn't lying to Bat about what C had said to them — which I can very easily believe — it'd be entirely unsurprising that C would tell Stupidhead different things than they told Bat and the rest of us, since they would have needed to be very careful to hide things from him so they could eventually get free of him. Abuse victims very often have to plot and hide things and outright lie to their abusers to be able to lay plans to get away from them. We ourselves have needed to do this and so have many people we've known over the years.

Lastly C didn't trust you and wanted to cut ties as soon as possible after the memorial service. From what they said, I never got the impression they were trying to time it to cause you maximum psychological harm, though I can easily see how that was the result. I think it was unavoidable, however.

I know it's not the same, but when our old housemate said they didn't want to still be friends with us and all their Seattle friends, it was obvious that they needed time without social pressure and the presumption of eventual return to friendship with us to start to heal from the trauma of living through the beginning of the pandemic on minimum wage in a tiny room in Seattle. What got us through that loss was putting ourselves in their shoes (as best we could) and remembering everything we were grateful to them for. And although we still miss them a lot, it helped us heal and move on.

You are strong and intelligent and you will get through this too. And all of us SilkDragons trust your inner wisdom to see you through this.

Love,
Sage

Edit: P.S.: Just wanted to add here that I don't think anyone needs protecting from C. We've known them for 14 years and have never known them to do anything intentionally cruel nor vengeful. I think this is something you can safely set aside and instead focus on healing your heart and moving on. 💜

[flamingsword]

It wasn't C's idea. This was 100% us SilkDragons' (mainly mine and Dor's with a little input from Ben). C didn't disagree with our assessment, though they didn't fully see it till after they had a week or so to process what we'd said.

See, I was wondering where this idea that I had endangered C came from, and I think that since you never met Stupidhead, you wouldn’t know that without his legs on, C could walk away from him faster than he could keep up, and if his legs were on then C could easily push him over backwards and he could do very little about it. His arms are strong, but his mobility is impaired in easily-overcome ways. But that could only have even happened if Bat had let Stupidhead know where to find C … and Bat would not have done that, said so to me, and I believed Bat.

I kinda still don’t know where the idea that C was in danger from me is coming from, because Stupidhead isn’t the violent stalker type of abuser, he was the toxic masculinity cry-bully type of abuser who verbally abuses people around him because he never got over his four-year-old sense of entitlement to other people’s work, attention, and sympathy. He’s basically just some dude with a side helping of mad at the world that he became disabled. His feelings that the world owes him is taken out equally on everyone around him from what I’ve heard, he doesn’t go looking for vulnerable people to victimize in partnered relationships. He’s an embarrassment to the human race, but taking C’s fear of him as an accurate indicator of how much damage he could or would do is … not reasonable.

Ghost and I helped get C away from Stupidhead, because living with him was doing them no good and they didn’t deserve to have to share space with that jackass. But he’s not like some kind of super predator or whatever, just because C’s instincts toward danger are those of a traumatized kid.

I think maybe y’all projected some of your own abuse history onto what was going on? Which, maybe talk to me about that next time? Ask questions? Also, if you see me fucking up with someone and being unaware of it, you could like … talk to me about it? If you think I owe someone an apology, you get to say so. If you or C had said “you should have told me this was going on and I think you owe an apology for X thing” then I could have had a whole awkward conversation about it, and even if we didn’t see eye to eye on it, or manage to repair the relationship, it still would mean that people don’t just vanish from my life for no stated reason. You can totally ghost your abusers, but ghosting your friends or watching your friends get ghosted and doing and saying nothing … that’s not cool, y’all.

Also, C could have stopped talking to me way before the memorial. They were in the Friends of Batrick failbook group, they were going to have heard about the memorial details either way. Or after they heard about the memorial date and time, they could have said “hey, I’m pissed and I’m going to go no contact with you.” Literally anything other than disclaiming any responsibility toward treating me, their purported friend, like a human person with feelings.

You say it was not calculated to do damage. I’m not sure if I believe you.

[silk_dragon_zen]

You/we-as-a-culture have no idea what disabled people (of any disability) can or can't do. There was that para-athlete from South Africa who shot his girlfriend to death (who had barricaded herself in their bathroom where she was no threat to him, and the reason she was barricaded in the bathroom was because he was physically abusive to her).

From the moment C moved in with Stupidhead, he expected C to clean up after him. He damaged C's belongings repeatedly. He hit C, he kicked a kitten, and when he had his legs on, he was certainly capable of catching C. And in any case, being able to run away (when you live with someone) isn't much of a consolation if you have no where safe to go and have cats to protect. C was having to hide in their room most of the time to get away from Stupidhead's angry and frightening outbursts. And I mean they had to have a secret emergency phone that he didn't know about, etc. C didn't have much in the way of choices but to bide their time and plot to get out.

Sure I may be projecting, but us SilkDragons haven't actually lived through anything nearly so harrowing personally: most of this is from other people we've known having to go through similar stuff.

It's okay not to hold any belief one way or the other about whether C meant to do psychological damage to you by the way they left (no "good bye" etc.), but holding the belief that they actually intended to hurt you doesn't square with what we saw. The only reason why we SilkDragons think it was just a byproduct of them desperately wanting to cut ties is because they never gloated about cutting you out of their life. They only (and repeatedly) said they didn't trust you anymore and wanted nothing more to do with you. And from the way you treated them when you finally did tell them a couple months back — yes, we've seen the text you sent them — I can hardly blame them. That text was belittling, condescending, and the actual content was *months* overdue.

You weren't the one who put them in danger, but the minute you knew what was going on, the best thing you could have done would have been to tell them, and tell them in a supportive way, not in a talking down to them way. You didn't treat them like an equal human being both by not telling them/insisting that Bat tell them, and later by acting like C only merited knowing about this when Stupidhead showed up in the Bat-related FB group.

Yes, I/we thought you owed them an apology and we screwed up in not saying so to you directly. We were planning to but then ran out of time the day you finally told us about your conversation with Bat in November, and then never could think of it when we were actually talking with you (thanks fucking ADHD). But to be fair, that's something you oughtn't to have needed to have been told.

None of us is perfect, we all make mistakes. You made a mistake. A pretty big one and lost a friend in the process. Which doesn't feel awesome, I know, we all know. We still love you and care about you and hope that you — like we ourselves have done many, many times over the past five-and-a-half decades — can learn from past mistakes and do better next time.

In the mean time you've got so many other people in your life who love you and want the best for you. Your partners, your besties, the friends on your server and here on DW, the Coven, your exercise buddies, etc. And none of us is going away unless you don't want us here anymore. Comparing that to the loss of one friend who by your own characterization doesn't seem to be the kind of person you'd ever want as a friend anyway, I'd say you've got it pretty good even if things hurt a lot right now.

— Sage

[flamingsword]

That text was belittling, condescending, and the actual content was *months* overdue.

I just re-read the Discord message I sent them and I’m not sure how it was condescending or belittling?

Okay, so I am not looking forward to this conversation, but there’s stuff you should know, so maybe grab a coffee and sit down for this one? Bc you’re not going to like it. Late last summer Bat told me they were fucking some dude that they knew better than to be messing around with, and then the time before last that I saw them, they fessed up that they were fucking your ex, and could I please keep that to myself. And I did, bc that was not my secret to tell. But Bat is gone now, so I guess it falls to me to be their … confessor? Whatever you call the person who spills the hurtful beans that Bat did not want you to know. I think they were embarrassed or ashamed that they had stuff in common with the dude, addiction stuff etc., and they got to talking after the whole drug-selling incidents, and I guess it became a Thing? So yeah, Marie or someone added him to the group, bc he was someone who was connected with Bat. Even if he was Bat’s dirty little secret, he was still a part of their life. So, maybe give yourself a few days to have feelings about the both of them, and process stuff about other people’s shame issues, then if you still need to say stuff to people, then you can? And I will be on tonight if you need to rant and rail at the injustice of your friend booty-calling your toxic fucking ex.

I was aiming for “conciliatory and apologetic on Bat’s behalf”. How would you have said it differently?

-H

[silk_dragon_zen]

(Sage asked Dor & me (Ben) to handle this b/c ze is out of spoons for writing, atm, hope that's okay.)

so I was aiming for “conciliatory and apologetic on Bat’s behalf”. How would you have said it differently?

Dor: Well, first of all it didn't sound "conciliatory" so much as "put upon and resentful at having to spill the beans", and we all think you missed the mark on "apologetic" altogether.

Ben: As for how we would have put things, well, we wouldn't have taken the job of your ghost writer under the circumstances as they stood the night C found out Stupidhead was in that group. We don't feel we are all that good at communications, especially in words, and even an expert would have a hard time with this one.

Dor [muttering under our collective breath]: (... and I mean none of us SilkDragons is that good of a bullshitter.)

Ben [clearing throat]: Having said that, none of us would have opened with

Okay, so I am not looking forward to this conversation, but there’s stuff you should know, so maybe grab a coffee and sit down for this one? Bc you’re not going to like it.

Ben: When delivering bad news to a friend you actually see as an equal adult and whom you ostensibly care about, a better opener would simply create a neutrally worded content note and trust the reader to take their time as they need without needing to be told to "sit down, get a drink [of coffee or whatever]", and let it be up to the reader to decide for themself whether or not they're going to "like it".

Ben & Dor: In the five-and-a-half decades we've been on this earth, we have never appreciated it when people say things like "you're not going to like this". That's up to the listener/reader to determine, not the speaker/writer.

Dor: And lastly, the advice you wrote at the end felt like bad parenting — again not treating C as an equal adult: giving orders to a child about how and when they are allowed to react. It came off strongly as a variant of "Go to your room until you're ready to discuss this calmly".

Dor and Ben: So, despite our verbal shortcomings, we've come up with this:

"Oh gosh, C, I feel bad about this. I'm so sorry this one got away from me. Bat and Stupidhead were a couple and had been for 4 months before they finally fessed up to me about this in November. I told them they needed to tell you, but I didn't follow up with them even though it was evident that they weren't getting around to telling you and they were continuing to be a worse and worse attendant. I could make excuses along the lines of ADHD, stuff going on between me and Ghost, wanting to keep one friend's secret without considering any possible exception to the rule that you don't spill other people's beans, but in the end although Bat was 100% wrong for not telling you last summer, I was also wrong for not making sure you learned what was going on once I knew it, and I'm sorry. You never deserved to be kept in the dark about this, especially for so fucking long. This is on me as well as it was on Bat. We failed you and while I can't speak for Bat, I'm sorry for my part in it."

— Ben & Dor

[flamingsword]

”and later by acting like C only merited knowing about this when Stupidhead showed up in the Bat-related FB group.”

Also! Another thing! How did I act like C “only merited knowing”? I didn’t remember Stupidhead’s real people name, and didn’t connect that he was in the group. I had forgotten about C not knowing and there even being a secret to know until C brought it up.

Yeah, you’re not the only one who forgets important shit when your brain is busy doing other things. Also also: I don’t know if you noticed, but I’ve been kind of busy and taking care of a bunch of other people’s shit since the end of December! Including C’s stuff that they had no problem asking me for, despite wanting nothing to do with me, which feels ~so~ great to know. /s

Ugh. I was trying to be calm and reasonable about this, and now I’m all angry again.

Clarification

[silk_dragon_zen]

Sage wrote: You didn't treat them like an equal human being both by not telling them/insisting that Bat tell them, and later by acting like C only merited knowing about this when Stupidhead showed up in the Bat-related FB group.

That last part probably ought to have read: "... when Stupidhead had shown up in that Bat-related FB group and C posted their distress about this on Discord."

Also, none of us were aware that C didn't want anything to do with you as far back as December. This is news to us. If we had to guess, they weren't getting their care needs met by Bat and were thus overwhelmed and unable to do more than the bare minimum of socially lubricating niceties (the kinds of signals that show you value someone being in your life).

— Dor

Re: Clarification

[flamingsword]

So I'm not going to tell you to sit down because you're not going to like this, apparently trigger warning people for bad stuff has to be handled some completely different way. But: you know that habit C has of regularly attending superspreader events where nobody, including them, masks? Or tests? Well, after the second time that C gave Bat Covid after a concert, you know, the time that Bat got long covid and high blood pressure and more disability from? Bat asked if they could either stop doing that or start testing a couple days afterward for Covid before Bat came over. C did not do this. But this was the only job that Bat could get. He was talking to me at around Thanksgiving about how they were having friction because of his not being able to be as good of a careworker because of the long covid, and how C felt guilty about getting him sick so much, since Covid was not the only thing C had given him over the last few years. I asked Bat if they wanted me to chime in, but he said he was handling it.

Then C picked up the hell-Flu that I took him to the doctor for when it started turning into bronchitis, the same flu which he also gave to Bat. It was the illness Bat had that he decided to "fast-forward" through by taking a bunch of benadryl and such, and thus was a contributing factor in his death. I have not said as much to C, but they are not stupid - they know Bat's response to being sick and they know where that flu came from. They will have put the pieces of that together for themselves.

C may have still wanted favors and stuff from me back in December, but I don't think we'll ever know when exactly they decided to ghost me like I was an abuser. I meant to imply that my cousin died in December and I have been busy ever since. A bunch of shit has slipped my mind since then. I did not mean to make it sound like C wanted to drop me back before Bat's death and before they knew about all the fuckery going on. I am, howewer kicking myself for not telling a secret that would absolutely have gotten Bat fired because maybe he would still be alive if he hadn't been around C. And if I'm thinking it, then I bet you $5 that C is, too. It really looks to me like C is projecting their guilt at all this onto the last person standing. They don't want to acknowledge that any fraction of this is on them, and I have been playing along with that by not saying anything. And it stops now.

Re: Clarification

[silk_dragon_zen]

Thank you so much for telling us about all this. We'd had no idea all that was going on. It puts things in perspective. I'm so sorry, and I think you're right that C has probably put two and two together and feels awful about it but is not handling things well at all. Unlike you, they don't seem to be all that introspective about things and that's tragic because without that — at least in our experience — no personal growth is possible.

— Sage

[silk_dragon_zen]

😿

— Silke

[numb3r_5ev3n]

Wow, that's shitty.

I felt super guilty about bailing when I did, but now I'm sort of glad? Was C or Stupidhead any of the parties I was talking to during the time I was there? (I know you were busy, so if you didn't notice me talking to anyone, that's understandable.)

[flamingsword]

C was the person in head to toe black denim with the red mesh veil. They got there kinda late, so you probably didn’t talk to them? And Stupidhead with his metal legs was sitting on the far side of the yard and further under the tree from where you were, and I didn’t notice him talking to anyone but Joe for a while and then just kind of sitting by himself, which I was fine with since he is an ass.

I, too, felt guilty about bailing early, but if anyone gets needing to get out early, it would be Bat. 🥁 And yeah, kinda glad I missed that particular popcorn moment.