If one thing had been different …

[flamingsword]

I have emailed like twenty therapists on Psychology Today, and gotten word back from two of them so far. I’m vetting their profiles first, then putting together a Google Doc of the few folks who respond, and Ghost will get emailed the document tomorrow night and can pick someone out to start with. And then we’ll see how this dance goes, I guess.

In other news I have feelings, so I guess I’d better write those down.

Thoughts/feelings awareness log:
I felt happy because:
• I have gratitude that I have been lucky enough to avoid getting Covid thus far.
• it’s complicated but I am relieved that Ghost and I are not calling the whole thing off.
• I have candy in my mouth right now and it is happy-making despite its lack of sugar.
• a new bakery opened up within driving distance from me that does canelé! I am cautiously excited.

I felt sad because:
• Ghost and I’s problems are persisting. I’m not sure how to fix my expectation that this will all melt away and be fine.
• I still have a lot of stress carrying in my body
• Ghost says that he gets most of his social needs met through parasocial relationships with podcasters and YouTubers. That sounds so sad to me? Like, he can’t love and be loved by those people. How do you learn to be good to people and stay in practice at being a person like that?

I felt angry because:
• Ghost keeps telling me about dumb shit Republicans have done, and while I’m glad they’re shooting themselves in the foot so often it looks like they’re hunting themselves for sport, it’s also starting to bother me. But I don’t want to cut off any avenues of communication when we don’t have very many things to talk about right now. So I guess I get to deal for a while.
• I’m still tired after work every day that I have two 90-minute clients. It shouldn’t bother me … but it bothers me. I know that I’m disabled, but I could have done this just fine pre-pandemic. I lost a lot of ground over the last few years. It sux.

I felt fear because:
• The GOP are continuing to look to me like true believers in the cause of christofascism and It Fucks Me Up
• I am still afraid of my relationships destabilizing / crashing and burning. My abandonment wounds are bleeding again, because they hadn’t had time to heal all the way before Bat died, and I feel like I’m running just to stand still on those issues.
• Dad is finally in physical therapy as of yesterday. He dropped 30 pounds in the hospital in a month and aged at least five years, but it looks like more. Aunties pics of him are paler than I’ve ever seen him. Gramma will not be okay if he dies before she does, and it looks like things might still be touch-and-go for a while.

I felt disgust because:
• I gave myself a headache perfecting the last of the smellgoods I will probably be making for the foreseeable future. I have now started giving away the essential oils and scent chemicals. I’m nonplussed about the headache, tho.
• JDVance is weird, and he’s not even proud to be weird. He’s just convinced himself that sorting what kind of person someone is by inspecting their genitals is a perfectly normal thing to do. 🤢
• I don’t even get to hope that JKR and Musk go to jail for their transphobia against Imane Khelif, because then that precedent will get weaponized against marginalized folx. 🙄

Comments

Preloading Loss

[nyyki]

I've had to work long and hard (stop that, mind, that kind of thinking isn't appropriate right now) about how I view personal relationships. I hate expectations, so this isn't that, but I'm teaching myself that nothing is permanent and nothing can be, and others live their own lives and may choose to leave or do so without their agency involved. So in short, abandonment and not getting my needs met is inevitable, so I'm making those into Ground Rules and choosing not to get emotionally hurt or disturbed by them. This is going to get worse -- with some of the unrest and the mobility of our society alongside me getting older and all of the others I've known for a very long time refusing to not slow down their turn over of the odometer, this is going to continue. The part I'm working on is figuring out how to get needs covered from alternate sources, and not get emotionally involved with things when I ask for help or someone leaves the planet. I also have the challenge of again disconnecting myself from the drive for close-in relationships, especially romantic ones; That's not worked far more than it has worked. There is no guarantee or even a suspicion of any likeliness that close-in interactions are a given, and my recent history plus that of two other close friends reflects my viewpoint.

Ghost's choice for social interaction has the benefit of being safe -- he chooses the amount of involvement, and he can walk away from something a lot easier than if it's RL interaction.

Disability sucks. Covid sucks too, and thanks to my roommate working in food service she brought it home once -- that was way unpleasant. I suggest you don't get it. For those of us immuno-compromised, humans are plague rats.

I'll make a post today about ailing parents.

[lokifan]

Wow, you're doing a lot of work for Ghost. I'm impressed (and a bit bothered on your behalf if I'm totally honest, but tbf my impression is you've got v good research skills).

Sending love. I hope you're all okay.

I don’t even get to hope that JKR and Musk go to jail for their transphobia against Imane Khelif, because then that precedent will get weaponized against marginalized folx. 🙄

Oh man, for real. Starmer here in the UK is all "we should have extra laws and riot police to fight far-right misinformation and riots!" and I'm like, "...should we???"