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flamingswordMy friend genderjumper introduced me to a thing he/they/she use in their relationships and I think it is GENIUS, so I'mma tell you about it!
So: I grew up in a household where being In Trouble was the worst thing that could happen to you, because you were no longer treated with respect or consideration until you earned your way back out of "Trouble". A lot of us around here have similar experiences with doing or saying a perfectly innocent thing, that other people then perceived as disrespectful because of their own social lenses and then BAM! In Trouble. So we learned to walk on eggshells, to never say anything that we didn't know other people's boundaries about, or to never say anything until it went through 5 different layers of masking and double-checking for anything that could possibly be taken as offensive.
Which was fucking exhausting, right? So now, we are adults, and we have maybe learned some tricks and found some people who don't judge us for communication differences, and that is SO GREAT for us. Go us!
But!
We still have all of these trained reactions keeping us from saying things in a timely manner. We still have all of this expectation of being judged lurking in our unconscious reactions and we need to figure out ways to bring up problems while they're still small. We need to talk about stuff in the moment, sometimes, without the 5 layers of masking that 90% of our words never make it through. So we need a way to set up a tool to ask for and receive and trade spaces of non-judgment over and above the usual levels of non-judgment that our friends and loves already give us. We need to ask for space to Say The Wrong Thing. It works like so:
Me: *is confused but needs to talk out a thing that I am afraid of getting In Trouble for*
Me: "I have Big Feelings about this thing that just happened, but I'm afraid that it won't come out right if I just talk about it. Can we try it anyway?"
You: "It's cool. Say the wrong thing, and we can talk around the problem until we figure out what you are trying to say."
Me: "And you won't judge me or get angry before we figure it out?"
You: "Nope, I'll try to hold some space for non-judgment, as long as you do the same when I need it from you."
Me: *talks out a problem with you as a sounding board*
Our Relationship: *no longer has that problem & flourishes*
It requires an understanding being in place between two people before saying the thing, but if you have someone who you trust with this kind of agreement, then I recommend putting it in place as soon as possible. It won't hurt to have the agreement in place before you are brave enough to test it out. And it worked for me, last night, so I am hoping it works for you, too.
boring personal stuff:
I just used this to talk out some anxieties I had about financial stuff in Ghost and I's relationship, and now he understands why I have been so reluctant to do any of our financial planning. So I'm going to read up on r/personalfinance's wiki and start asking him questions about the stuff that I don't know, and hopefully get more comfortable over time with money things I did not grow up with.
And yes, please share this around if you think it will help someone you know.
genderjumper introduced me to a thing he/they/she use in their relationships and I think it is GENIUS, so I'mma tell you about it!So: I grew up in a household where being In Trouble was the worst thing that could happen to you, because you were no longer treated with respect or consideration until you earned your way back out of "Trouble". A lot of us around here have similar experiences with doing or saying a perfectly innocent thing, that other people then perceived as disrespectful because of their own social lenses and then BAM! In Trouble. So we learned to walk on eggshells, to never say anything that we didn't know other people's boundaries about, or to never say anything until it went through 5 different layers of masking and double-checking for anything that could possibly be taken as offensive.
Which was fucking exhausting, right? So now, we are adults, and we have maybe learned some tricks and found some people who don't judge us for communication differences, and that is SO GREAT for us. Go us!
But!
We still have all of these trained reactions keeping us from saying things in a timely manner. We still have all of this expectation of being judged lurking in our unconscious reactions and we need to figure out ways to bring up problems while they're still small. We need to talk about stuff in the moment, sometimes, without the 5 layers of masking that 90% of our words never make it through. So we need a way to set up a tool to ask for and receive and trade spaces of non-judgment over and above the usual levels of non-judgment that our friends and loves already give us. We need to ask for space to Say The Wrong Thing. It works like so:
Me: *is confused but needs to talk out a thing that I am afraid of getting In Trouble for*
Me: "I have Big Feelings about this thing that just happened, but I'm afraid that it won't come out right if I just talk about it. Can we try it anyway?"
You: "It's cool. Say the wrong thing, and we can talk around the problem until we figure out what you are trying to say."
Me: "And you won't judge me or get angry before we figure it out?"
You: "Nope, I'll try to hold some space for non-judgment, as long as you do the same when I need it from you."
Me: *talks out a problem with you as a sounding board*
Our Relationship: *no longer has that problem & flourishes*
It requires an understanding being in place between two people before saying the thing, but if you have someone who you trust with this kind of agreement, then I recommend putting it in place as soon as possible. It won't hurt to have the agreement in place before you are brave enough to test it out. And it worked for me, last night, so I am hoping it works for you, too.
boring personal stuff:
I just used this to talk out some anxieties I had about financial stuff in Ghost and I's relationship, and now he understands why I have been so reluctant to do any of our financial planning. So I'm going to read up on r/personalfinance's wiki and start asking him questions about the stuff that I don't know, and hopefully get more comfortable over time with money things I did not grow up with.
And yes, please share this around if you think it will help someone you know.