Messy feelings about stuff

[flamingsword]

Meow. Time to drop a bomb, I guess? Ghost’s and my marriage may not be going to hit its 13th anniversary this May. I’m not sure what’s going on, but he thinks we will be able to change over from an apparently-though-not-to-me strained romantic relationship to a healthy living-together friendship. I am not sure I believe him about this.

I think we will be able to finish out most of our lease together, though I am not sure how rapidly or even whether we will evolve to the point of not wanting to live together. I am having the occasional moment of Big Feelings but I am mostly not feeling much yet. It will get worse later, but I have received multiple offers of emotional support, so my community are providing care for me. I kind of worry about Ghost since he has all of two people as his community and a four person family, none of whom have experienced his particular situation. But then, I guess I should probably detach from those worries somewhat if we’re going to be just friends. Meow.

You can ask questions, although I may not know answers yet. 🫂🫂🫂

Comments

[princessofgeeks]

Wishing you all the best. I hope you figure out what YOU want and gradually understand what YOU are feeling. It's a hard thing.

[flamingsword]

Thanks. I have no idea what I want at the moment other than to have not been operating on bad information for multiple years. :/

[princessofgeeks]

I have been there myself and it's a very uncomfortable place. I have been divorced twice and am about to get divorced for the third time and it's not easy at all. We have been living separately for almost five years.

You have all my sympathy.

[flamingsword]

You have all of mine, too. This is my second really long-term relationship, so I’m not exactly practiced at breakups. I’m about to go ask some polyamorous folks in other online spaces about their breakups with people who tried to make themselves be polyamorous but didn’t manage it.

Good luck to both of us, and may we land on our feet like cats. 🐈🐈‍⬛🐈

[princessofgeeks]

Thank you; wishing you all the best.

[lokifan]

Oh, ouch. *winces for you* The rug-pull feeling of that absolutely sucks, I'm so sorry.

[ex_flameandsong751]

Well, shit. -hugs-

[flamingsword]

Yeah. You know how when you’re in the feeling-someone-out stage of a relationship, and you’re either not dating yet / have only had a few real conversations about it, and they lose momentum and things just fizzle out? You know how that’s sad and kind of feels rejection-y but is generally not that bad? But the longer something goes on, and the more invested you are, and the better you know the person, the more any future rejections feel personal and crushing? That’s where my feelings keep going.

I’m trying to dip my toes into the water of my feelings every so often just to stay connected to myself and not get surprised by my own emotions. It’s just unpleasantly sad and raw at the moment.

[ex_flameandsong751]

Yup, I sure am familiar with those feelings.

I have no platitudes, and tend to think platitudes are bullshit anyway. I will give you no false promises that this gets "easier with time" [you don't need my "no, time doesn't heal all wounds" rant right now]. But if you need a shoulder and someone to just listen, my e-mail is open.

[flamingsword]

🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂

[sabotabby]

Fuck, I'm sorry. What do you think you might want? And is there anything you need from us faraway friends?

[flamingsword]

All of my wants currently are along the lines of “I want this to not have happened” and I need to work on updating those to something actionable. I am currently drinking tequila to relax my shoulders and get me into a better frame of reference for dealing with unpleasant things. It’s not a great anaesthetic, but i don’t have anything else around at the moment. And then I will go back to working on this email to Ghost, to see if he has any idea how to deal with the can of worms he opened. And if he doesn’t then I guess I start planning around him.

As my friends, y’all know my mind on growing past and around stuff that hurts me, and are already doing the self-appointed “job” of engaging and asking questions and prodding me to move along out of the worst part of the funk. Comforting me is nice, but not necessary. The getting me to take care of myself when nobody else can take care of me? You’re already doing it. Thank you.

[sabotabby]

Well, if there's anything beyond that, let me know. You are a wonderful person and a good friend, even if we've never met in person, and this is a shit sandwich you've been handed.

[princessofgeeks]

+1

[flamingsword]

Thank you. I will try to stay aware of my needs and let people know about them.

[flamingsword]

Thank you. I will try.

[silk_dragon_zen]

[quote] As my friends, y’all know my mind on growing past and around stuff that xhurts me, and are already doing the self-appointed “job” of engaging and asking questions and prodding me to move along out of the worst part of the funk. Comforting me is nice, but not necessary. The getting me to take care of myself when nobody else can take care of me? You’re already doing it. Thank you. [/quote]

So, not sure if this might be helpful for you in this situation, but something that super helps us get it together to take care of ourselves and our body's needs is to give ourselves time to sit with the painful feelings and really *hear* them without *listening* to them. That is, without agreeing nor disagreeing with them, just sitting compassionately with them, letting our feelings be felt/be experienced, till they run their course (for the moment). This can take the form of waves of feelings for few minutes here and there — sadness, anger, etc. — to days of need for extra sleep, to an afternoon lying curled up in bed for three hours crying, to any number of other forms.

And since this is a kind of grief — the loss of the illusional relationship you thought you had with someone who turned out to be a different person than you thought he was — it might take a while. Like this might come in waves over the next few weeks, then ebb to once a day, then to once a week and so on.

Whatever form this takes, at least for us, we've found it way easier to function when our feelings get to release and run their course till the metaphorical fever breaks and then when we have a break we find we can focus way easier on whatever needs doing.

— Dor

[flamingsword]

I've kind of been trying that. I'm checking in with my feelings a couple of times a day, when I talk to somebody about this. It's doing okay so far.

[silk_dragon_zen]

💜🫂🫂🫂🫂💜

— Silke (from all us SilkDragons)

[flamingsword]

💜🫂💜🫂💜

Thoughts

[ysabetwordsmith]

>> Ghost’s and my marriage may not be going to hit its 13th anniversary this May. <<

Alas!

>> I’m not sure what’s going on, <<

Well, that's never a good thing with relationship issues.

>> but he thinks we will be able to change over from an apparently-though-not-to-me strained romantic relationship to a healthy living-together friendship. I am not sure I believe him about this. <<

Regardless of what is actually going on, if you the two of you do not know what is going on, that makes any positive resolution unlikely. Some things you might examine ...

What is his level and your level of desired romance?

What is his level and your level of desired eroticism?

If both have declined, and you are both content with that, then living together platonically may actually work. It happens fairly often; people don't always even talk about it, just drift into it.

But if one person's interest in one or both aspects is now much higher than the others, that is a likely source of conflict and a common cause of breakups if it can't be fixed.

So first, try to think about how you and he are feeling, and then, what if anything you wish to do about that.

You might also want to check your own and his sexual and romantic orientations, and gender identity. Sometimes people realize things about this stuff later in life when it can make a right mess of their living arrangements -- and it's not always obvious that's the root issue, because this culture doesn't encourage people to think about those things. Wanting to switch from a romantic to a platonic relationship is a clue to check them.

Some people find couples therapy helpful in this type of situation, others not. In any case, just looking at concerns and questions may be illuminating.

https://www.gottman.com/blog/is-it-time-to-go-to-couples-counseling/

https://northstarfrisco.com/therapy/signs-couples-need-counseling/

https://www.jouslinesavra.com/20-helpful-marriage-counseling-questions-to-ask-your-spouse/

https://web.archive.org/web/20220902195107/https://gatewaycounseling.com/top-100-couples-therapy-questions-by-topic/


>> I am having the occasional moment of Big Feelings but I am mostly not feeling much yet. It will get worse later, <<

Sometimes it helps to identify feelings and sit with them. Also, reserving a time for them can make it easier to set them aside at other times so they don't run you ragged.

https://positivepsychology.com/understanding-emotions/

https://www.realsimple.com/health/mind-mood/emotional-health/self-check-in

https://declutterthemind.com/blog/feel-your-feelings/

https://www.beckybelinsky.com/blog/5-steps-to-sitting-with-your-felings


>> but I have received multiple offers of emotional support, so my community are providing care for me.<<

That's good.

If you find yourself getting overwhelmed, or you need help, jot down what. Then when someone asks you how they can help, pull out the list. It's a lot easier than trying to remember on the spur of the moment when you're already frazzled. Sometimes it really helps to have someone do a mundane thing like pick up mail for you, other times you need company on a walk through the park to get out of the house.


>>I kind of worry about Ghost since he has all of two people as his community and a four person family, none of whom have experienced his particular situation. <<

That is a valid concern. Loneliness is more deadly than smoking or obesity. You might look for ways that he could meet new people and form meaningful connections -- assuming he finds people to be tolerable and potentially worth knowing.


>> But then, I guess I should probably detach from those worries somewhat if we’re going to be just friends. <<

If you continue living together, then his problems will affect you whether you are romantically involved or not.

If you part company, then detaching from those worries makes more sense.

I hope things turn out okay for you.

Re: Thoughts

[flamingsword]

Okay, so you and the American Medical Association are operating on some faulty logic about obesity being correlated with premature death, therefore the probable cause of death. We don’t even know what underlying mechanisms make people carry fat, so those judgments are just that. Judgment. Also, speaking as a Small Fat, I really don’t appreciate people implying that obesity is a choice, like the smoking and the loneliness are assumed to be in these types of studies. Please take your fat shame elsewhere.

Re: Thoughts

[(Anonymous)]

I didn't say any of those.

[skytintedwater]

No questions, just hugs (if you want them)
Being in Australia, I can't offer much in the way of help other than sending good vibes your way. I really hope that whatever happens, your future is bright.

[flamingsword]

*hugs and again-hugs*

[numb3r_5ev3n]

I'm so sorry this is happening. :( I love you both and am hoping things work out.

[flamingsword]

Thanks. We'll see how everything shakes out, but there's not malice on either side. It should be okay eventually.

[rosedelavictoire]

I am very sorry this is happening- Stuff like this is tough to navigate and is usually rough. I hope things work out in a way that is healthy for you both.

Hugs if wanted.

[flamingsword]

Yeah. In good news, I haven't cried once today. So y'know. Progress.

*hugs and again-hugs*

[panisdead]

I'm glad you have lots of folks around you for this.

[flamingsword]

Me too. ♥

[sabethea]

I’m so sorry to hear that. It’s hard when one partner is seeing things so differently from the other. Stay safe.

[flamingsword]

Thanks. It is hard, but I am not expecting it to not be hard, so yay for expectations being met I guess?

[sabethea]

You are awesome and I wish I could make it less hard. Fuck expectations (the sequel to Dickens’s Great Expectations, but with a happier ending). <3

[flamingsword]

😂😂😂

[peaked]

I'm really sorry to hear this. I have no doubt that you'll do what's best for you in this situation, even if it's not what he wants. Take care of yourself and know that we're always here for you. ♥

[flamingsword]

Honestly, you’re more sure of that than I am. Right now I’m trying to do damage control and make sure that we have options that are workable for both of us. I would like for neither of our lives to go to shit over this.