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flamingsword: Aziraphale, the flaming sword, and Crowley (Aeon sad)
It's bad for your brain to be sad all the time. The neural pathways get used to being used that way and it affects your moods even if you aren't prone to depression. I can't remember when I started limiting the times my brain was allowed to think about depressing subjects, but it must have been a long time ago since I'm so good at it now that I don't notice.

Hacking your brain only takes discipline at first; once you get used to doing it the brain handles that functionality on its own. Really quite useful. The problem with limiting yourself that way is being careful that you don't stifle all expression of that part of yourself. You need access to mourning to stay human and I needed to be human. So a balance was reached: I could react to specific sad things as events occurred, but reminiscing was consigned to the anniversary of Larry's death.

TLDR on the meta of introspective moping. )
flamingsword: Aziraphale, the flaming sword, and Crowley (Dr. Reid)
Somewhere in the long list of things I'm deeply ambivalent about is how fear doesn't feel like it used to. I remember being afraid as having a physical component that it just doesn't now, and I don't know when that changed. I have memories of fear being consuming, blocking out every other kind of thought. That was annoying, and I'm glad it didn't stay that way, but it would be nice if I had a choice about whether or not to feel fear, since I would sometime do so just to keep in contact with it. I like variety, and I need to understand.

I'm sorry that makes it hard for me to not fidget and ask questions during horror films, even knowing that it's annoying to you. I wish I could experience the things you enjoy from a place where I derived something from them, and I would if I could. But I have all this distance; at all times there's a counterweight of backlogged emotions and I don't know how to keep that separate from the rest of what I do.

The only ways I know of to turn off the parts of my brain that point out inconsistencies are dancing, sex, sleep, really well written books and some rare pieces of music and art. And those experiences turn everything off. They're not reflective. If it were as easy to get that empty feeling as watching a horror movie, I would do that ALL THE TIME, but it doesn't work. I don't work that way. I've tried to acquire tastes for things and sometimes it works, but this time it didn't and you get to be disappointed that I don't enjoy something you love, and I get to feel like an outsider again.

I'm tired of that feeling. Exclusion is painful and after a while pain is boring.
flamingsword: Aziraphale, the flaming sword, and Crowley (Dr. Reid)
I like the new autumn colors navigation bar. I love color, which is maybe odd for someone who intermittently wears black and gray for weeks. I'm not sure why that is - habit, I guess.

I have some other odd habits that I've been noticing. When I watch a show or a movie, I always identify with the person with the crappiest social skills. Even when they're not my favorite character they're always the one I see the most of myself in, even though I have social skills now, even though I'm not that girl anymore. I over-identify with awkward and dorky because that's where I came from. Maybe it's time to take a look back at other things that have changed since I was 15 and update my self-image.

So:
  • I have social skills now. People generally understand what I am trying to communicate.

  • I am not in unrequited love with anybody. All of the people I love love me back, even if we can't get our lives to match up in romantic ways. I am okay with all parts of that.

  • Not only do I have a circle of friends, I have multiple circles. I have more than one social role, and I manage to fulfill different emotional needs to different people. I have RANGE.

  • I am not the dorkiest person that I know, and in some circles I am ~the normal one~ and while that may never stop being strange I had better learn to accept and identify with it for accuracy.

  • My quirks are harmless and I have a right to them. I can stop justifying my necessary habits: writing on my hands, making lots of notes about context, and laughing at things that aren't funny to other people.


    Those are the things I've noticed since I started thinking about the recurrence of my identification with Sheldon Cooper, Parker, Dr. Reid, Rodney McKay, Samantha Carter, and Hermione Granger and Luna Lovegood. Which admittedly I should not have been thinking about while giving a massage yesterday, but sometimes my brain is attacked by ideas and it's easiest to just give them space and then re-focus. I'm glad I seem to be pulling slowly out of depression. If the trend of more thoughts and interconnections continues, I may be past this in a month. Not being depressed for the housewarming? That would be awesome.

    You know what else would be awesome? Telling me if you spot anything else I say or do that doesn't fit with how I present myself. I realize there's going to be variation, and that I don't have consistency so much as texture but being aware of the variation would still be good for me.
  • flamingsword: None can take the stars who do not reach. (Take The Stars)
    This week is like being 14.
    Migraine out of fucking nowhere? Wait- that's not true. I totally should have been expecting this. If gluten can be a hidden migraine trigger, and as much as I was looking forward to never having another migraine now that I'd gone gluten-free, in hindsight it makes perfect sense that gluten exposure would have migraine as a sequela. My bad. Somewhere I had the note to myself to never leave the house without medicine for migraines should one occur, but my vigilance this week is dependent on the amount of concentration I can muster, which is not much. I'll put up reminder post-its on the door after I post this entry.

    My week, ladies and gentlemen: )
    flamingsword: Aziraphale, the flaming sword, and Crowley (Default)
    While I have issues (and tend to talk about them, often at length), I know that you have issues, too. Just because I don't point them out and say, "ooh, where did you get that shiny warped perspective?! you are so beautifully broken!!" does not mean that I don't see you. I see you; I see us.

    If you wonder why I consider you family when we have never met and have no visible thing in common, this is why. )

    Thank you.
    flamingsword: None can take the stars who do not reach. (Take The Stars)
    I saw Half Blood Prince again today, and GLEE for the 4th time. In my life I've seen Titanic 4 times, AKIRA 5, Moulin Rouge 6, and Romeo + Juliet 14 times, and Dune so many times the cassette tape wore out. Who else does this? Do you have any insight as to why we do it? Or is it purely the enjoyment factor of the familiar?

    In other news, according to Xenoix, I've never talked about being in therapy . . . which I don't actually believe, because when do I not talk? But it's vaguely possible, and I'm pretty sure I've only mentioned it here in passing. Behind the cut tag will be a massive entry on my being a headcase and the first bit of how I got better. )
    flamingsword: None can take the stars who do not reach. (Take The Stars)
    I throw words away: here's the next to die
    Fighting to be heard. There is no reason why
    This one has more hope than any other.
    Were I dead and he alive, my brother
    Would just as likely be resigned, pissed off.
    But he wouldn't call you on this, he'd just cough
    And look away, uncomfortable. Would
    You rather remain mute, misunderstood?
    When you had one family you could not
    Afford to care. It seems like you forgot
    And started another at their expense.
    Tell me, please, how any of this makes sense?
    I'm sad; I don't know how to yell at you.
    Instead of ire, this grief will have to do.

    I know the second line has eleven syllables and doesn't quite scan. Concrit is welcome anyway.

    EDIT: Does this come across as harsh? Is there language I should change to make the poem sit more on the border between angry and resigned sadness?

    EDIT 2: Changed the wording in a few places; how's that?
    flamingsword: Aziraphale, the flaming sword, and Crowley (Default)
    In the wake of $500 of unexpected car repairs, I may not be going to CMA this spring. So all of the normal head-sorting that's supposed to happen there, the entire reason I started going, will need to be handled by me, outside ritual space. Won't this be fun?

    I have come to the conclusion that I need my own personal meta: I can't just have feelings, I need to deconstruct my head so that I can have feelings about my feelings. Not all of this makes sense, but I needed to write it out. )
    flamingsword: Aziraphale, the flaming sword, and Crowley (Default)
    I'm only religious in the "I hope there are gods so I can laugh at them, too" sense, but I have a fair number of beliefs that do not require the existence of a god of any kind.

    I believe in the Wile E. Coyote Theory of Not Looking Down. Some people I know scoff at what they call the "fake it 'til you make it" approach to attaining one's desires. Logically, there is little you can do if you do not at least attempt things you are uncertain about succeeding at. Is it fake to try to be a different way than you are? Sometimes you find access to new pieces of yourself in the play, and how will you find all of what you are if you never test the bounds of what you are not? I believe in not reflecting on whether you can walk on air until you can feel the ground beneath your feet again. I believe in finding out.

    I believe that life hurts, but that it's okay. It's not masochism, exactly: it's just that experience would be missing something without it, that I would be some shallow thing I did not like without it. I believe that pain is finite and that I am not. It's just pain, and I'm bigger than it is, will exist after it passes. You may not be the same way, but I think some people are.

    I believe that things are only impossible until they're not.

    I believe that Murphy's Law rules the world, unconquerable. That said, I'm willing to keep testing that belief by attempting to wrest control from regular disorder and establish my own disorder. Dammit.

    Like pTerry, I believe in reasonably priced love and that there never was an apple that wasn't worth the trouble you got into for eating it.

    I believe that regular contact with the inexplicable strengthens the cognitive dissonance load tolerance of the human mind. Being forced to deal with concepts you have no context for broadens your perspective and keeps you open to the possibility that you have things yet to learn that will make what you know now appear like life seen through a funhouse mirror.



    What do you believe? What do you disbelieve?
    flamingsword: Aziraphale, the flaming sword, and Crowley (Default)
    Sorting through my head again, and I find myself wanting to talk about things that I don't talk about. Most of you have heard the "I've had four orgasms ever and you're all lucky bitches" rant, haven't you? So I'll tell you the part of being dead that I don't talk about because it freaks people out.

    I've been dead three times, you've heard that bit. What I omit from that story is how, the time when Larry stood on my shoulders in the pool 'til I passed out underwater, I liked it. )

    So if I have an offbeat attitude to funerals, killing people, and death, now you know why. I'll still miss you when you die, but I'll know that despite any grieving I'm doing, you have a pretty good chance of tunnels of light, cold transcendence, the warmth of love, or miraculous dark. I may not have any definite beliefs about reincarnation, but I don't have any reason to need a Heaven either. I love this world as well as I know how, and if I get that after? Then I am content.
    flamingsword: Aziraphale, the flaming sword, and Crowley (Default)
    I keep thinking that I'm going to wake up from the Capraesque dream of our country being under new management. But it keeps being real.

    Can't sleep. It happens sometimes, and I don't know why. I need to pick a fight soon, spar with someone, get this restlessness out from under my skin.

    It's good to periodically return to the parts of yourself you've been avoiding. I've always had more problems than I knew how to deal with and since I can't live in the shabby, brokedown parts of my head without getting horrible, I avoid that part of myself and go live in the intellectual and spiritual and occasionally physical parts of myself. I hold back my emotions and avoid them, while researching ways that other people deal and coming up with experimental solutions to test out the next time I'm here. And I'm here again; every once in a while I go on a mission to the Cambodia of my internal world, the Somalia and Nicaragua of my messy emotional poverty.

    There are resources here. There are things worth having in the starving, untravelled parts of myself, and these resources are desperate to be used. But I don't want to strip mine myself or treat this like America treats a third world country. There's got to be some form of game theory that can be used as a blueprint for self-respect. There's got to be behavioral mapping from the external world that can guide me along the twisting mud tracks and dusty camel trails in my head. One world has to reflect the other, or what's a world for?

    When my problems got worse than I knew how to cover for, bad things happened to me because nobody knew how to correctly interpret me. I'd been lying too much for too long. Eventually I learned to stop covering most of it up, and let people who were trying to get close to me know what they were really in for. Here's how that happened:

    My peers gave me hell, unwanted gifts that I accepted because I didn't know how to refuse. A lot of kids that grew up the same way are concerned with paying their peers back for that treatment, which is not unusual for freaks in public schools. But I don't want to pay them back. I want to give them what they paid for, and let the buyer beware. That's my nature. I'm fair like that.

    I transubstantiated that pain into something functional and beautiful and new. I made Hell part of myself and used its fire to forge the raw materials of myself into whatever I am now. And I want to share my smithied self with the world so the next generation of hell-givers and hell-takers will come to the table with a better understanding of the possibilities being offered there. Anger shows you what's important to you. Pain makes you grow. It's fertilizer, and like fertilizer it's pretty shitty. But if my peers had been better people then I wouldn't be one now. Thanks to the Tiffanies and Dominiques and Alexes of the world. I would say I owe you one, but I don't. :)

    Gonna try to sleep now.
    flamingsword: Aziraphale, the flaming sword, and Crowley (Movement)
    I remember things better if I have a picture or my own words to lead me back into the thought process. Words work best.

    I have a pretty bad memory for people and events, except as facts that can be organized into a structural framework. Those parts are handled by a different part of the brain that seems to work just fine. But the fine detail, the 'flavor' of an experience will eventually degrade and I'll need to be reminded of what happened. I'd like to be able to blame that on the bits of brain damage I've got, but unfortunately I've always had selective amnesia where people are concerned. Maybe it got worse, but I have no way of judging that.

    Maybe it was easier being kid-me if I could choose who mattered and who didn't by refusing to remember anything I didn't like. It's a form of control after all: like propaganda used inside your own head, and to much the same purpose. In a world where you have no power, it's the very first thing you have a choice in. You can't control your family or their behavior, you can't even control your body very well, but you can control who you ignore and what matters to you. You babysitter that drinks beer and makes you watch daytime TV? You keep only as much of her as you are willing to allow.

    So I taught my brain to be this way, and now I'm training it to be some other way, and I've been trying for years. I think it's worked as much as it can, but I won't give up on the mnemonic exercises. I hope I'm wrong, but in case I'm not, I want to share with you my fears in the hope that even if I forget, you won't.

    I don't want to lose you. If you read this, you are important to me. But eventually the details of our meetings may be lost to me, and that frightens me. I have all the things I have right now, but what of when these things are gone? Some of you will move away, or grow away from me, and then I will only have as much of you as I remember.

    And those memories will fade.

    I started keeping notes in my day planner a few years ago, and making sure to write down anything I absolutely had to remember. But I lack the skill to wrap all of an experience in few enough words to write them and have enough time to live the life to which they belong. I wish I could trust to my brain to do all this by itself, to correlate and stack information in ways that keep all of you safely here. I don't. I'm resigned to that. It's upsetting, but not tragic. I can write some of it down. But if you want to maybe sometime go through with me and make sure that I remember something that was important to you, well, that would be nice.
    flamingsword: Aziraphale, the flaming sword, and Crowley (Default)
    We burn with the power of a million stars.
    We turn with the cycles of the fertile Earth.
    We are children of great promise:
    We are inheritors of magic's spark.
    We are children of great promise:
    We dance the light out from the dark.

    In all of my power I open up,
    In all of my strength I rise.
    In all of my power I open up:
    I'm reaching to the skies.

    We dance in the heat of our Heart's Desire
    We dance in the heat of our Heart's Desire
    Open the Gate, the Key is within, to the Temple of the Heart.


    Notes from the Feri workshop on Sex, Will, and Magick. )
    flamingsword: Aziraphale, the flaming sword, and Crowley (Default)
    Sorry I haven't been online and keeping up with the flist. I've been catching up with a few long-lost friends and doing upkeep things in the real world. But fear not: my LiveJournal obsession is alive and healthy.
    To save having to have this conversation with several people, I'm just putting it here. It's kind of embarrassing, but it needs doing. Questions are welcomed, but for once I am going to give the touchy-subject warning. For serious: no teasing me about this, or I will be interesting to you. In the Chinese fashion.
    I have brain damage, but I don't talk about it much. )

    prolix

    Jun. 20th, 2006 07:37 pm
    flamingsword: Aziraphale, the flaming sword, and Crowley (WorstPirate)
    I used to think I wasn't the stick-to-it sort of person because I've never stuck with the expensive and impressive forms of education. I've been realizing that that's not true, I just needed to learn things they don't teach in schools. Maybe now that I don't belong in a straight jacket, I should go back and try college again sometime when I have money.

    I ramble about things I've figured out that I could not have gotten from school )
    flamingsword: Aziraphale, the flaming sword, and Crowley (Default)
    Last night I went dancing as planned. And proceeded to have an amazing time. I was getting a bit wibbly about how there were only five of us, and then at 11:15 people started showing up. I only made one v. embarrassing display of squeeing like a fangirl in a crowded public place. That's not bad considering that I'm still me, and 26 looks like being just as apt for me to be a dork and a bit of a loony. I wonder if anything will change this year? I don't really change my fundamental structures as much as I used to, but I never see them coming until they're there. Maybe I'm not what changed last year.
    *shrugs*
    Also: those of you who were not there know how much you can piss right off, you cowards!! You missed out on people-pretty-dancy-fun fun. My condolences to those who had to work. You will be taken for sushi the next time we meet, in reparation.

    To continue the saga: I was awoken @ 8:30 by a construction crew taking the wood paneling off the side of our building. They're sort of loud. I'm too euphoric to properly care, though. :D

    Last night was a night of miracles. On the whole, not a lot of people showed. But the longest of all possible long shots showed up, and I'm having to hit myself in the skull with LJ stuff to ground myself and quit obsessing. (yes, LJ is grounding for me. yes, I know how weird it is that something so not-depicting of the real world keeps me in touch with what's real) And I want to obsess, but it's a habit that doesn't work for me. I'm still too skippy to have anything like perspective on this, and the ~4 hours of sleep last night is not going to be a big help with that. I'll think about it tomorrow, and probably have it floating in my headspace until it solidifies into some more of those cracked aphorisms you guys love.
    My favorite new me-quote on the subject of why I overuse the term 'cracked': "People are like rock crystal, we can only be as brilliant as we are cracked."
    flamingsword: Aziraphale, the flaming sword, and Crowley (Movement)
    This is how it works: Comment on this entry and I will give you a letter. Write ten words beginning with that letter in your journal, including an explanation what the word means to you and why, and then pass out letters to those who want to play along.

    1. Talk: something I do a lot of, every day. Talk encompasses formal, informal, proactive, simple, idle, and intimate. Talk means comfort and exchange and mental activity.
    2. Television: something I under-rate. I may start to watch more television soon, to have something to talk about with regular people again. Television is the word for things that everyone can have in common. (It has nothing at all to do with Taste.)
    3. Taxes: the money I give to people who will only spend half of it wisely. It's like giving a kid allowance money, except that you know before you even give it that this kid is not ever going to learn to spend it well within your lifetime. Taxes is a word for necessary disappointment.
    4. Tan: something that foolish people do to their skin. Nothing ages your skin like smoking, but sunlight is almost as bad. I get asked by my matronly customers if I'm out of high school yet. I love them so much! Tanning is a thing that means taking in an energy form that you cannot transmute into something useful.
    5. Temporo-mandibular Joint: something I could have designed better, had I been on the evolutionary committee. TMJ is for aches and pains and engineering failures.
    6. Truth: a thing that we cannot let ourselves see all of all the time, but wish we could. No further depth necessary.
    7. Talent: something I don't have much of. I had to work for every skill I've got - even the sixth and seventh senses. Talent means one more thing I don't have in common with other people, but can fake really well.
    8. Temper: something I have a good one of. If I really needed someone to be hurt or dead, I would be as nice about it as I could be, and I'd be really sorry after. Having a violent nature and keeping a good temper are not mutually exclusive. Temper is a thing that steel has, and people get it the same way.
    9. Turn: the thing that wheels and years and tables and games do. My turn, your turn, left-hand turn, turning seasons, turning tides, turning tables. This country has a heart like an axle. Let's make another revolution. Turn is for things not being the same always.
    10. Travel: something I want to do. I want to be uncomfortable and unfamiliar with my surroundings. I want to investigate and diverge from my norms. I want to see things I've never seen before and be shocked or appalled or enthralled. Travel is for heterodoxy.
    flamingsword: Aziraphale, the flaming sword, and Crowley (Movement)
    Other people are even more of a chore today than I am, and that's rare. So instead of talking to other people (who aren't icky and foul-tempered), I'm going to talk to myself about all the things I've been saving up. ) You know you don't have to read this stuff, right? That you're real to me either way, and that nothing is expected of you? I've not got parts cut out for you to play, and I don't know what you want until you say so. You exist independently of the world and of me. You're you, and that gives me permission to be me. It's nice.
    flamingsword: Aziraphale, the flaming sword, and Crowley (Biohazard)
    The child of rage lives within us all. How close it is to the surface, how much of you it occupies, those are the differences between a peaceful person and a killer. That has less to do with the intent to kill than you'd think. The ability to wish for the discontinuation of a life may not be rare, but it is societally taboo, never spoken of, kept well hidden.


    The fact that I haven't killed anyone yet doesn't fool me. I haven't got any reason (that I agree with) to lie in this matter and I just want to go on record as saying that it frightens me, the ease with which I can think of the tree of humanity as something that needs pruning.


    I expect that someday a desperate idiot will put himself between someone I care about and safety, and I wish that I was sorry that there's no contest in my mind as to how that day will end.
    flamingsword: Aziraphale, the flaming sword, and Crowley (Default)
    So, Jenn,

    I just got finished crying on the phone with my high priestess, trying to deal with my issues about you. I will deal with the other stuff when I have some specific information (not that you read this, but to keep myself from just forgiving you everything I figue I could use the reminder).
    You were always the one with a plan covering all contingencies, always in control.
    So what part of your plan included your issues being more important than putting me in pain? Oh, it's still here, with its playmates rage and betrayal. You said you would always choose against the person making you choose between two things you loved. And I agreed with you.
    You knew me: I never gave up on people. You knew I'd come back, try to be your best friend again eventually, so why make me choose between having you and Bryan and having Doug?
    Which of your issues was more important than letting me have all of you, anyway, the control issues? Maybe the betrayal issues? What was so important to you that you had to push me out of your life, shut the door behind me, and use my weakness against silence against me for three years?!?
    I still love you. I always will. I've loved you since Valentine's Day at La Madeleine, and I've tried measures beyond the counting of them trying to make this not matter, to make you someone I no longer missed like a missing tooth.
    And I never asked for anything, never pretended that it warranted me special consideration. I was more loyal to you than I knew how to be. I learned new ways just to be the kind of friend I thought you deserved. I saw your faults and I forgave you, knowing that you could be heartless, but that you'd never do it to me. I knew that, because I knew that I would never give you enough reason, that maybe we could misunderstand each other sometimes, but that it would always get fixed, and that you'd forgive me because you knew that I never meant to hurt you, not ever.
    So since you plan everything obsessively you knew this was going to hurt me. I guess this all leads up to my final question: Why did you want to hurt me?

    [EDIT TO ADD] It was arrogant of me to think I was more important than you being what you were, and I knew what you were. So that part of it is my fault. But you did know that it was going to hurt, and you did know what was happening when I didn't. I never thought you would let things get irreparable without telling me. And that still aches.

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