I fail at being human #45: watching horror movies.

[flamingsword]

Somewhere in the long list of things I'm deeply ambivalent about is how fear doesn't feel like it used to. I remember being afraid as having a physical component that it just doesn't now, and I don't know when that changed. I have memories of fear being consuming, blocking out every other kind of thought. That was annoying, and I'm glad it didn't stay that way, but it would be nice if I had a choice about whether or not to feel fear, since I would sometime do so just to keep in contact with it. I like variety, and I need to understand.

I'm sorry that makes it hard for me to not fidget and ask questions during horror films, even knowing that it's annoying to you. I wish I could experience the things you enjoy from a place where I derived something from them, and I would if I could. But I have all this distance; at all times there's a counterweight of backlogged emotions and I don't know how to keep that separate from the rest of what I do.

The only ways I know of to turn off the parts of my brain that point out inconsistencies are dancing, sex, sleep, really well written books and some rare pieces of music and art. And those experiences turn everything off. They're not reflective. If it were as easy to get that empty feeling as watching a horror movie, I would do that ALL THE TIME, but it doesn't work. I don't work that way. I've tried to acquire tastes for things and sometimes it works, but this time it didn't and you get to be disappointed that I don't enjoy something you love, and I get to feel like an outsider again.

I'm tired of that feeling. Exclusion is painful and after a while pain is boring.

Comments

[jslorentz.livejournal.com]

I don't think I would find that type of horror-movie-watching annoying, especially if we were to utilize the pause button. I've been disconcerted since joining Netflix to find that I don't, in fact, like horror movies as much as I seem to like poking at them, probably because I take issue with the leaps in logic or the faux-scare tropes that come up all too often. I keep telling Netflix, "No, show me some good horror movies..." and Netflix is all, "These are good horror movies, maybe you just don't like horror movies..." and I'll tell Netflix, "That's ridiculous, here's a punch in the face!" and Netflix calls the cops...

Where was I?

Oh, I was going to add that most people don't have the luxury of turning fear on and off at will, even for entertainment purposes. Dare I say that we have another case of flamingsword maybe turning more into a real boy?

[flamingsword.livejournal.com]

If I were turning into a real boy wouldn't I be able to feel fear better instead of . . . kind of not at all?

[jslorentz.livejournal.com]

Horror movies are not the best barometer. I haven't felt fear from a movie since I was about 17, and that was the only time since I was like 12.

I'm not saying it's a 1-1 ratio of you-human, but maybe it's more like 0.7-1 instead of 0.001-1.

Outside of movies... only you can known what scares you, but we do live in a rather luxurious society where most people do not have fear as part of their daily/weekly/monthly lives. That's why people seek out the thrills of a good(?) horror flick or create their own drama about which to stress.

[elucreh.livejournal.com]

I wish you could watch things with me.

[flamingsword.livejournal.com]

I wish you could, too! I'm watching Community season one right now, and it is face-meltingly awesome! And weirdly proud of it's deliberately slashy moments!