For My Estranged Father, A Sonnet

[flamingsword]

I throw words away: here's the next to die
Fighting to be heard. There is no reason why
This one has more hope than any other.
Were I dead and he alive, my brother
Would just as likely be resigned, pissed off.
But he wouldn't call you on this, he'd just cough
And look away, uncomfortable. Would
You rather remain mute, misunderstood?
When you had one family you could not
Afford to care. It seems like you forgot
And started another at their expense.
Tell me, please, how any of this makes sense?
I'm sad; I don't know how to yell at you.
Instead of ire, this grief will have to do.

I know the second line has eleven syllables and doesn't quite scan. Concrit is welcome anyway.

EDIT: Does this come across as harsh? Is there language I should change to make the poem sit more on the border between angry and resigned sadness?

EDIT 2: Changed the wording in a few places; how's that?

Comments

[sushi-slave.livejournal.com]

In lieu of crit, would you just take hugs?

[flamingsword.livejournal.com]

I always accept hugs.

I was wondering if it came across as really harsh or judgemental? Doug's reaction to it was not quite what I was going for.

[sushi-slave.livejournal.com]

I don't really see it as harsh, but then I am apparently overly harsh on others and myself without realizing it, so I might not be the best judge

multiple means of communication...

[gonner221.livejournal.com]

Sorry, but I want to be sure you get this. If I'm setting up the Munchkin party e-vites, I need details, but first try this

in myspace, click mail, then event invites (left side), then click any event e-vite ever. click "view event". when the next page loads, look at the top right side of the page for a link for new event.

it looks like it's a myspace flaw, but if you really can't do it, I'll take care of it for you.

[rens-sanctuary.livejournal.com]

It does sound harsh, yes. "Would be just as likely to be pissed off." and "It's sad I don't know how to yell at you." are very real and visceral sentences and they are rather angry. I'm not sure what I would change to make it resigned, except to convey somehow that there were experiences you wanted to share but couldn't? That you missed out on having a male influence but got used to it? I'm not sure if those two things are representative of your experiences but I think they convey resigned actuality.

Now to make a similar post...

[flamingsword.livejournal.com]

How about a few modifications:

I throw words away: here's the next to die
Fighting to be heard. There is no reason why
This one has more hope than any other.
Were I dead and he alive, my brother
Would just as likely be resigned, pissed off.
But he wouldn't call you on this, he'd just cough
And look away, uncomfortable. Would
You rather remain mute, misunderstood?
When you had one family you could not
Afford to care. It seems like you forgot
And started another at their expense.
Tell me, please, how any of this makes sense?
I'm sad; I don't know how to yell at you.
Instead of ire, this grief will have to do.

[rens-sanctuary.livejournal.com]

Excellent. That conveys it well. :)