on the topic of emotional abuse

[flamingsword]

While I have issues (and tend to talk about them, often at length), I know that you have issues, too. Just because I don't point them out and say, "ooh, where did you get that shiny warped perspective?! you are so beautifully broken!!" does not mean that I don't see you. I see you; I see us.

If you wonder why I consider you family when we have never met and have no visible thing in common, this is why.

I don't blame my mom for the rare but unkind things she said about me during fights when she was fucked up in the head after Larry died. She wasn't entirely wrong, I didn't have any sense at the time, and while I wasn't stupid I didn't actually care whether I lived or died. I'm not saying it was okay, I'm just saying that I was not blameless those times. I do blame my step-dad for yelling at me not to cry. I don't care whether he was affected by the gas. Larry wasn't that close to him; he hadn't lost much. He gets no passes to have been that much of a doucheface. I am utterly disinterested in forgiving him.

Dad never really said anything mean to me that I remember, but he never said much to me at all. Sometimes that's all it takes to feel unloved, or conditionally loved, or hapahazardly once-in-a-while loved when it's not even anything to do with you. I wonder how fucked up it is that I was comforted that I knew my father's apathy toward me was nothing personal before I knew the word apathy. And I've been reading at the collegiate level since I was eight, so ... good work, Dad.

That's why I know self-hatred. I recognize it in every face, but in some the recognition is a little more personal. You don't have anything to explain to me. An unexpected silence, an odd metaphor, a particular bit of self-deprecating humor sold me your secrets a long time ago. But here we are - still here, still us. We took where we each came from and made something else out of it, parents who resented us, or ignored us, or mocked us, or hated the freaks they didn't know we were. We love our parents better than they deserve, most of us. But we are brothers and sisters here, better than I ever knew to wish for when I needed you all so desperately.

Sometimes I am SO FUCKING GRATEFUL for you, any of you, for the most pointless or complaining or fannish or completely deleted ableist metaphor post, just because I need you to continue to exist, AND YOU DO. Because I need you, and you THERE YOU ARE. Sometimes I read things like that article, and it reminds me to say so: so this is me, saying so, willing to be vulnerable in front of you, and tell you how I need you, have needed you for most of my life, how lonely I was when I didn't have you there where I knew I wasn't alone in trying to deal with the horrible shit life usually was by trying to make it the other things it could be.

You don't have to make the world perpetually wonderful. You don't have to say things beautiful or deep or wise to make my day less terrible. Really, all you have say is 'hi'. Because as long as I can see you I have faith in humanity, and even if I don't exactly have hope, I have something that says that the world doesn't have to be any better than it is. I have you.

Thank you.

Comments

[elucreh.livejournal.com]

Hell yeah.

Hi.

I need you and love you, too.

[flamingsword.livejournal.com]

I know that in fandom it's pretty normal to propose marriage to your good friends, but with some people I don't like to joke about that sort of thing. It feels cowarldy, like I'm pretending I'm not serious when part of me is.

I'm not really the marrying kind. The whole concept makes me feel jittery and uncertain and I've told myself that I would never do it unless I needed to. For you I would make that exception, break my rules to keep you.

If things ever do turn out really unpleasantly (family, job, relationship stuff) and you want to take the mobile pieces of your life and start over there is a place for you here in suburban Texas. You don't actually have to marry me, but you should know it's on offer. I am content just to love you and try to keep you safe, near or far.

[elucreh.livejournal.com]

Well, probably we'd have a little trouble getting a certificate in suburban Texas, but I appreciate the offer more than I can possibly express. I don't have the same kind of stability to offer, but whatever I have is yours if you need it--a spot on the couch, an ear to listen, my meagre pantry. You are part of my safe space, and I offer all of it to you to share.

[flamingsword.livejournal.com]

You're going to make me sniffly again. You do that; it's like you have this squishy heart-melting superpower.

[rens-sanctuary.livejournal.com]

Because as long as I can see you I have faith in humanity, and even if I don't exactly have hope, I have something that says that the world doesn't have to be any better than it is. I have you."

That's beautiful! Will you marry me? Er, wait...nevermind. :D

Seriously, you're welcome! It's a relief not to have to FIND WORDS to go with the odd rare feeling I have that has no words. I don't have to, because you GET that. I love you and need you too. :) :D

[flamingsword.livejournal.com]

Would marrying my spiritual sister be like psychic incest? ... Okay! :D

There are some things that you have words no for, but sometimes you do and you don't know you have them, and when they tumble out of you unawares not everyone gets them. I probably don't get all of it. But some of it I do understand, and it's important to me that I can say so without you being afraid or offended. You guys are more awesome and important to me than I have the words for, but I think maybe I don't need them with you, either. :'DDDDDDD

[rens-sanctuary.livejournal.com]

Yes! Yes it would. :D FTW!icon is FTW!

Exactly right. YAY!

[maeritrae.livejournal.com]

Hi. ♥

[flamingsword.livejournal.com]

:DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD

SERIOUSLY.
SO. FUCKING. GRATEFUL.

[maeritrae.livejournal.com]

I should also point out that there are people on my f'list whose posts I rarely bother reading, and also whom I don't respond to even if I read it. You are so not one of those people. :D

[zenguin.livejournal.com]

I always enjoy your posts, regardless of the level of profound-i-tude... though most of 'em rank pretty highly.

:)

Wren

thank you.

[flamingsword.livejournal.com]

OH HAI THERE, comment that LJ didn't notify me of! Also, that icon is so FTW that I am stunned by it's (DRUMROLL PLEASE) lemony freshness!

Lame puns and occasional depth: I have it all, right?

Re: thank you.

[jslorentz.livejournal.com]

Puns are an important part of making life worth living!

Schweitzer says it for me

[lord-of-entropy.livejournal.com]

"At times our own light goes out and is rekindled by a spark from another person. Each of us has cause to think with deep gratitude of those who have lighted the flame within us."

Re: Schweitzer says it for me

[flamingsword.livejournal.com]

I guess I missed some comment notifications, sorry this is so late!

I have a bone to pick with that quote. But I can't put my finger on it, and I still haven't slept. Nap first, sense later.

Interestingly...

[lord-of-entropy.livejournal.com]

The UUA uses a slightly modified phrasing as well actually, but I gave away my copy of Singing the Undead Tradition and so went with the original.

Hi.

[azuzil.livejournal.com]

I love ya :)

[sushi-slave.livejournal.com]

So, completely off topic, which I DO want to talk about, but first... I know you have Tickets for yourself and me, but just wanted to make sure that you'd gottn marni's as well.
Hugs and kisses

Call me ;)

[jslorentz.livejournal.com]

I'm so far behind on LJ it's ridiculous, but I'm so glad I went back to read your posts. I always am. [hugs!] Hope to see you and D this Friday (if I'm well by then).