flamingsword | things and stuff (Reply)

I have, as ever, scheduled myself to a slightly unreasonable amount, but I have set everything up so that I have only a couple things to do each day between now and Turkey Day. Progress!

Having listened to a podcast about working through anxiety, here, I very much want to try some of the things it talks about. Today I am going to practice being emotionally non-reactive to things that I am afraid of, and I will strategize about them while I remain curious about but not centered in the feeling of fear. Wish me luck.

Stuff I am afraid of and need to strategize about:

That I will alienate my friends by being my forgetful self and always trying to fix problems instead of empathizing about them.

I can't make myself not forgetful, that part is not possible, but I can train myself to ask whether we are listening or problem solving, and I can dig out the fear that is motivating my anxiety for my friends. I feel like life is overwhelming for me, and I know life is overwhelming for my friends a lot of the time, too. I feel like anything I can do to help keep life from crushing my friends is a step toward making them safe, but they don't always want to be safe. They want to feel like they offer me things on an equal footing, but they are not as motivated toward my safety by anxiety as I am towards theirs. Plus a lot of them deal with anxiety and overwhelm by withdrawing and avoiding problems, and I deal with the same problems by over-functioning and steamrolling everything I see as an obstacle. If that were a helpful attitude I would not be having these problems, so I need a strategy to reconcile the two approaches.

[Edit: I don’t know if it’s fair to think that other people don’t worry about me, since I don’t live in their heads, but people tend not to check on whether I’m doing okay, even when I say I’m not doing okay. Maybe I project such a strong front that people have a hard time seeing past it, even when I communicate that I need help and am not alright? But I guess I assume that if other people are at the point of showing that help is even being considered that they must really need help, which makes me feel like they are in danger, which I then overreact to.]

That my low sex drive will not line up with what few visits I get from Merlin, and we will wind up having lackluster sex and the spark between us will fizzle.

I have no strategies for this, and if anyone knows how to deal with this, I would really love to hear it. Are there sexologist blogs or TED Talks or anything? Research is required. I am putting reading these on the to-do list for December:

https://www.carlyjohnsonbrawner.com/keeping-the-spark-alive/
https://www.huffpost.com/entry/5-ways-to-keep-the-erotic_b_5242237
https://www.ted.com/topics/sex
https://www.ted.com/talks/esther_perel_the_secret_to_desire_in_a_long_term_relationship
https://www.ted.com/talks/emily_nagoski_how_couples_can_sustain_a_strong_sexual_connection_for_a_lifetime

That I will keep having ovarian cysts until I have to have a hysterectomy. I was hoping for early menopause, but it is not looking likely. I think my family has the superfertility genes. I am afraid that my body will bring me nothing but pain and dysfunction.

Again, I have no idea what to do about this, and don't want to have to get another transvaginal ultrasound to diagnose the recurring cysts. I think this might be part of my sexual dysfunction, though? GDI, this probably meaans I need to go to the gynecologist. Argh.

Currently listening to: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/37i9dQZF1DX4t95PAs1EpY?si=6721a55c4de7420f