flamingsword (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
flamingsword) wrote2023-04-19 02:48 pm
flamingsword) wrote2023-04-19 02:48 pm
Entry tags:
Messy feelings about stuff
Meow. Time to drop a bomb, I guess? Ghost’s and my marriage may not be going to hit its 13th anniversary this May. I’m not sure what’s going on, but he thinks we will be able to change over from an apparently-though-not-to-me strained romantic relationship to a healthy living-together friendship. I am not sure I believe him about this.
I think we will be able to finish out most of our lease together, though I am not sure how rapidly or even whether we will evolve to the point of not wanting to live together. I am having the occasional moment of Big Feelings but I am mostly not feeling much yet. It will get worse later, but I have received multiple offers of emotional support, so my community are providing care for me. I kind of worry about Ghost since he has all of two people as his community and a four person family, none of whom have experienced his particular situation. But then, I guess I should probably detach from those worries somewhat if we’re going to be just friends. Meow.
You can ask questions, although I may not know answers yet. 🫂🫂🫂
I think we will be able to finish out most of our lease together, though I am not sure how rapidly or even whether we will evolve to the point of not wanting to live together. I am having the occasional moment of Big Feelings but I am mostly not feeling much yet. It will get worse later, but I have received multiple offers of emotional support, so my community are providing care for me. I kind of worry about Ghost since he has all of two people as his community and a four person family, none of whom have experienced his particular situation. But then, I guess I should probably detach from those worries somewhat if we’re going to be just friends. Meow.
You can ask questions, although I may not know answers yet. 🫂🫂🫂
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You have all my sympathy.
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You have all of mine, too. This is my second really long-term relationship, so I’m not exactly practiced at breakups. I’m about to go ask some polyamorous folks in other online spaces about their breakups with people who tried to make themselves be polyamorous but didn’t manage it.
Good luck to both of us, and may we land on our feet like cats. 🐈🐈⬛🐈
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I’m trying to dip my toes into the water of my feelings every so often just to stay connected to myself and not get surprised by my own emotions. It’s just unpleasantly sad and raw at the moment.
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I have no platitudes, and tend to think platitudes are bullshit anyway. I will give you no false promises that this gets "easier with time" [you don't need my "no, time doesn't heal all wounds" rant right now]. But if you need a shoulder and someone to just listen, my e-mail is open.
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As my friends, y’all know my mind on growing past and around stuff that hurts me, and are already doing the self-appointed “job” of engaging and asking questions and prodding me to move along out of the worst part of the funk. Comforting me is nice, but not necessary. The getting me to take care of myself when nobody else can take care of me? You’re already doing it. Thank you.
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So, not sure if this might be helpful for you in this situation, but something that super helps us get it together to take care of ourselves and our body's needs is to give ourselves time to sit with the painful feelings and really *hear* them without *listening* to them. That is, without agreeing nor disagreeing with them, just sitting compassionately with them, letting our feelings be felt/be experienced, till they run their course (for the moment). This can take the form of waves of feelings for few minutes here and there — sadness, anger, etc. — to days of need for extra sleep, to an afternoon lying curled up in bed for three hours crying, to any number of other forms.
And since this is a kind of grief — the loss of the illusional relationship you thought you had with someone who turned out to be a different person than you thought he was — it might take a while. Like this might come in waves over the next few weeks, then ebb to once a day, then to once a week and so on.
Whatever form this takes, at least for us, we've found it way easier to function when our feelings get to release and run their course till the metaphorical fever breaks and then when we have a break we find we can focus way easier on whatever needs doing.
— Dor
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— Silke (from all us SilkDragons)
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Thoughts
Alas!
>> I’m not sure what’s going on, <<
Well, that's never a good thing with relationship issues.
>> but he thinks we will be able to change over from an apparently-though-not-to-me strained romantic relationship to a healthy living-together friendship. I am not sure I believe him about this. <<
Regardless of what is actually going on, if you the two of you do not know what is going on, that makes any positive resolution unlikely. Some things you might examine ...
What is his level and your level of desired romance?
What is his level and your level of desired eroticism?
If both have declined, and you are both content with that, then living together platonically may actually work. It happens fairly often; people don't always even talk about it, just drift into it.
But if one person's interest in one or both aspects is now much higher than the others, that is a likely source of conflict and a common cause of breakups if it can't be fixed.
So first, try to think about how you and he are feeling, and then, what if anything you wish to do about that.
You might also want to check your own and his sexual and romantic orientations, and gender identity. Sometimes people realize things about this stuff later in life when it can make a right mess of their living arrangements -- and it's not always obvious that's the root issue, because this culture doesn't encourage people to think about those things. Wanting to switch from a romantic to a platonic relationship is a clue to check them.
Some people find couples therapy helpful in this type of situation, others not. In any case, just looking at concerns and questions may be illuminating.
https://www.gottman.com/blog/is-it-time-to-go-to-couples-counseling/
https://northstarfrisco.com/therapy/signs-couples-need-counseling/
https://www.jouslinesavra.com/20-helpful-marriage-counseling-questions-to-ask-your-spouse/
https://web.archive.org/web/20220902195107/https://gatewaycounseling.com/top-100-couples-therapy-questions-by-topic/
>> I am having the occasional moment of Big Feelings but I am mostly not feeling much yet. It will get worse later, <<
Sometimes it helps to identify feelings and sit with them. Also, reserving a time for them can make it easier to set them aside at other times so they don't run you ragged.
https://positivepsychology.com/understanding-emotions/
https://www.realsimple.com/health/mind-mood/emotional-health/self-check-in
https://declutterthemind.com/blog/feel-your-feelings/
https://www.beckybelinsky.com/blog/5-steps-to-sitting-with-your-felings
>> but I have received multiple offers of emotional support, so my community are providing care for me.<<
That's good.
If you find yourself getting overwhelmed, or you need help, jot down what. Then when someone asks you how they can help, pull out the list. It's a lot easier than trying to remember on the spur of the moment when you're already frazzled. Sometimes it really helps to have someone do a mundane thing like pick up mail for you, other times you need company on a walk through the park to get out of the house.
>>I kind of worry about Ghost since he has all of two people as his community and a four person family, none of whom have experienced his particular situation. <<
That is a valid concern. Loneliness is more deadly than smoking or obesity. You might look for ways that he could meet new people and form meaningful connections -- assuming he finds people to be tolerable and potentially worth knowing.
>> But then, I guess I should probably detach from those worries somewhat if we’re going to be just friends. <<
If you continue living together, then his problems will affect you whether you are romantically involved or not.
If you part company, then detaching from those worries makes more sense.
I hope things turn out okay for you.
Re: Thoughts
Re: Thoughts
(Anonymous) 2023-04-20 06:08 pm (UTC)(link)no subject
Being in Australia, I can't offer much in the way of help other than sending good vibes your way. I really hope that whatever happens, your future is bright.
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Hugs if wanted.
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*hugs and again-hugs*
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