Messy feelings about stuff

[flamingsword]

Meow. Time to drop a bomb, I guess? Ghost’s and my marriage may not be going to hit its 13th anniversary this May. I’m not sure what’s going on, but he thinks we will be able to change over from an apparently-though-not-to-me strained romantic relationship to a healthy living-together friendship. I am not sure I believe him about this.

I think we will be able to finish out most of our lease together, though I am not sure how rapidly or even whether we will evolve to the point of not wanting to live together. I am having the occasional moment of Big Feelings but I am mostly not feeling much yet. It will get worse later, but I have received multiple offers of emotional support, so my community are providing care for me. I kind of worry about Ghost since he has all of two people as his community and a four person family, none of whom have experienced his particular situation. But then, I guess I should probably detach from those worries somewhat if we’re going to be just friends. Meow.

You can ask questions, although I may not know answers yet. 🫂🫂🫂

Comments

[sabotabby]

Fuck, I'm sorry. What do you think you might want? And is there anything you need from us faraway friends?

[flamingsword]

All of my wants currently are along the lines of “I want this to not have happened” and I need to work on updating those to something actionable. I am currently drinking tequila to relax my shoulders and get me into a better frame of reference for dealing with unpleasant things. It’s not a great anaesthetic, but i don’t have anything else around at the moment. And then I will go back to working on this email to Ghost, to see if he has any idea how to deal with the can of worms he opened. And if he doesn’t then I guess I start planning around him.

As my friends, y’all know my mind on growing past and around stuff that hurts me, and are already doing the self-appointed “job” of engaging and asking questions and prodding me to move along out of the worst part of the funk. Comforting me is nice, but not necessary. The getting me to take care of myself when nobody else can take care of me? You’re already doing it. Thank you.

[sabotabby]

Well, if there's anything beyond that, let me know. You are a wonderful person and a good friend, even if we've never met in person, and this is a shit sandwich you've been handed.

[princessofgeeks]

+1

[flamingsword]

Thank you. I will try to stay aware of my needs and let people know about them.

[flamingsword]

Thank you. I will try.

[silk_dragon_zen]

[quote] As my friends, y’all know my mind on growing past and around stuff that xhurts me, and are already doing the self-appointed “job” of engaging and asking questions and prodding me to move along out of the worst part of the funk. Comforting me is nice, but not necessary. The getting me to take care of myself when nobody else can take care of me? You’re already doing it. Thank you. [/quote]

So, not sure if this might be helpful for you in this situation, but something that super helps us get it together to take care of ourselves and our body's needs is to give ourselves time to sit with the painful feelings and really *hear* them without *listening* to them. That is, without agreeing nor disagreeing with them, just sitting compassionately with them, letting our feelings be felt/be experienced, till they run their course (for the moment). This can take the form of waves of feelings for few minutes here and there — sadness, anger, etc. — to days of need for extra sleep, to an afternoon lying curled up in bed for three hours crying, to any number of other forms.

And since this is a kind of grief — the loss of the illusional relationship you thought you had with someone who turned out to be a different person than you thought he was — it might take a while. Like this might come in waves over the next few weeks, then ebb to once a day, then to once a week and so on.

Whatever form this takes, at least for us, we've found it way easier to function when our feelings get to release and run their course till the metaphorical fever breaks and then when we have a break we find we can focus way easier on whatever needs doing.

— Dor

[flamingsword]

I've kind of been trying that. I'm checking in with my feelings a couple of times a day, when I talk to somebody about this. It's doing okay so far.

[silk_dragon_zen]

💜🫂🫂🫂🫂💜

— Silke (from all us SilkDragons)

[flamingsword]

💜🫂💜🫂💜