if i could, i would.

[flamingsword]

I have been busy with moving and not checking my flist, so once again missed Invisible Illness Week, which is funny considering that I am taking flak in my personal life for not being very upbeat right now.
So:

Dear Flist,
I have major depression. (awkward clinical term, much?) Meaning yes, somewhere in the box of files I keep with all my medical and banking and insurance paperwork is a a note signed by a medical doctor listing my diagnosis as "depression + anxiety". I like to complain a lot, I know, and I talk a lot of hyperbole and exaggeration. But I really do have depression. I did not take an online quiz, I am not haphazardly self-diagnosed.

I'm in a depressive episode right now. I feel bad. I have less motivation to do every single thing. I feel like I fuck everything up, and I can't concentrate, so I DO fuck things up, and then I feel like everything is my fault. I feel broken and helpless, and I try to be more regimented and stern with myself and it spills over onto my interactions with you and you tell me to cheer up.

I can't cheer up. I can pretend, but I tell you that I'm pretending because while I don't want you to be uncomfortable with my expressionless face I also don't want you to be mislead by a well-faked smile. That would be lying. I would rather you not try to be my friend if you need to be lied to. If you need to believe that all I need to be happy is your presence and your words of wisdom, then I'm just going to feel worse because there's no fundamental truth to our interactions. It feels hollow, scraped out and raw, to have to act like nothing's wrong. And I know it looks, from the outside, like nothing IS. And I wish that what's in here matched what's out there. It doesn't. Telling me to focus on the positive so that I can be more productive ... is not helpful. And after the first few hundred times, it starts to feel demeaning, like a running gag that you're the butt of and everyone thinks that because you don't laugh you don't get it yet, so they keep telling it when really you didn't think it was funny the first time.

If I could be happy, I would. I LIKE being happy. I like sharing happiness and spreading it around. So please take some time, if you have not yet, to consider that I am doing what I can to enjoy my life. And please stop treating me like my mood disorder is insulting to you.

Comments

[elucreh.livejournal.com]

Oh, honey, I know exactly how you feel, and I won't try to cure you with words.

I'm here. I love you. I always, always, have hugs if you want them, even though they don't fix everything.

[flamingsword.livejournal.com]

I'm going to make myself reply to all of these, because I can do that right now if I don't let myself get distracted.

You are one of the constant forces in my life. Even when things are confusing, I know that, like gravity, I will always feel you there, always be affected by your presence. Gravity is nature's way of drawing us in and saying that our atoms all belong together. I think I can deal with that.

[dreamsoffire.livejournal.com]

Once again, you manage to put into words things that I'm going through and having trouble finding a way to express. I don't have depression, but my disorder does have depressive aspects and right now I'm having a depressive period that is actually atypically long for me and having a lot of difficulty getting the people around me to be able to cope with it.

In short, thank you for posting. *hugs*

[flamingsword.livejournal.com]

It is almost as much of a challenge getting others able to deal as it is dealing yourself. My sympathies for having to do both. :(

*again hugs*

[rens-sanctuary.livejournal.com]

It's ok. We still love you and have all sorts of support. -Hugs!-

[flamingsword.livejournal.com]

I love you, Sister-Who!

[rens-sanctuary.livejournal.com]

I hope this makes your day. It made my day!: Glee's premiere is TONIGHT. :D -Still love and hugs!-

(Also, Supernatural premieres the 24th, Friday, if you watch that show.)

[franceschina.livejournal.com]

You have a fair few friends who know firsthand what an absolute monster depression can be. And yep, words won't fix anything; thousands of saccharin self-help books from happy people telling you to just wish on a star and think happy thoughts have kind of proven that.

That said, feel free to give us grief when we tell you to just cheer up and it'll be all right. Just don't be offended if people want to take you out, do fun things, and help give you some momentum to hop out of the depressive rut. It doesn't always help, true; sometimes it rarely helps. But feeling stagnant and friendless certainly won't help a bit. Deal?

[flamingsword.livejournal.com]

Deal. I'm socially awkward again, but you won't mind. And I'm quieter, but that just means you'll have to talk more which will be good for you anyway. :T

You're a lovely person, and a true friend. I'll be calling you next week to invade your time.

[wv-wildchild77.livejournal.com]

*hugz* I love you sis

[raasalhayya.livejournal.com]

*nods* Yes, I know that feeling so well. Sometimes a change of situation can help; other times, it just has to run its course like some stupid invisible flu.

If there is anything that will make it less bad, please let your friends know! We love you no matter what!

[flamingsword.livejournal.com]

I will let you know, but I think I'm going to be okay.

I'm not sure if I will be heading to DANISH (yet again) but I may be done with moving plants, etc. in time to head to North Dallas. And I think keeping in company the rest of the week would be a good idea. I'll text you.

[dara-starscream.livejournal.com]

(hugs)
-BJ

[kadairk.livejournal.com]

Crap. I wish I'd read this earlier. *hugggs* and more *hugggs*

I Grok this, m'dear...

[nyyki.livejournal.com]

Depression sucks, and since everyone has been there, they should understand this, but people often lack the self-awareness to really get it when it's happening to others.
You are unique. That is the thing I love most about you, that wonderful uniqueness that means that what will come out of your mouth in even the most casual conversation won't come from any other mouth I know. And I don't expect you to rubber stamp my moods or even comment on them if you don't want to, because I don't expect anything from you -- who am I to place my expectations on you? That's just rude.

I like you when you're peppy, morose, snarky, brittle, or myriad other moods, because I like you for who you are. I also know you're busier than a drug dealer at a yuppie block party, so I don't expect you to always be around. You're the one who said you're like a bent penny, always showing up when you least expect it, and I honor that.
Would I like for you to get out of this depression? Hell, yes, because I don't like seeing my friends in pain. But I also understand that this is going on for a reason, and that you've probably got a reason for it, and that it probably also fits into your master plan for total world domination that I can't quite understand yet.
But I do feel that we need sushi. If I have to, I'll buy.
Love you. If you need it, I'm here, and I'm not going away. That's what friends do -- remember the saying, friends help you move, real friends help you move bodies, and true friends help you move bodies with no questions.

Re: I Grok this, m'dear...

[flamingsword.livejournal.com]

Thanks, Nyyki. Not everyone gets depressed, just a lot of the people we know. And among the people who get depressed, not all of them have one of the clinical forms of depression . . . and those are not the same thing even though people assume that they are.

I think the implication that I'm wallowing in misery or just too lazy to pull myself together is kind of personally offensive/baffling/academically offensive because
a.) Judging me by comparing me to yourself when you don't have this condition = false comparison.
b.) Have you MET ME? That judgment makes no sense.
& c.) There's a perfectly good internet out there full of information about this, and all people still DO IT WRONG because they don't go look it up.

People are weird, yo.

Re: I Grok this, m'dear...

[nyyki.livejournal.com]

According to the American Psychological Association, 100% of all people experience depression multiple times in their life. It's actually an extremely common occurance.

I know a lot of people who suffer from either Major Clinical Depression or Hypothymic Disorder. It's actually fairly common in my experience, and these are the most serious conditions outlined in the DSM-IVtr because they are the most likely to cause extremely serious consequences, including death by suicide. In a book where diagnosis times are often spoken of in multiple months or even years, only Major Clinical Depression has a diagnosis time of two weeks of sustained affliction.
I remember someone we both know telling me that I should be able to pull myself up by my own bootstraps when I was depressed at a time in the past, and it was very clear to me then that he didn't have the foggiest idea what he was talking about. This is in my thinking the most useless advice anyone can give in these situations.
I also know that most offers of help and sympathy at best annoy the sufferer of this category of afflictions, so I tend not to spout platitudes and such. I just let the person know that I care and that I genuinely see positive things about them.
When I get really down I write letters to friends and family, usually suicide letters. This helps me understand who I value and why, as well as letting me put vent to emotions towards these people that I won't or can't express in person. I find it very tharapeutic. (And yes, I have one sitting on the hard drive to you, my dear, because you're one of the people I'd want to tell how much I care if I ever did snuff things)

[marilla82.livejournal.com]

Oh, my hon. I wish there were words or things that we could do to fix this for you. I know there aren't. Please know that we ARE here. And this little circle of people out here, we're not just in the ether. We're real and we do care.

[flamingsword.livejournal.com]

You're all real to me. And strangely, it doesn't have to be fixed. I can accept this as the way that I am sometimes. I'm different, and I feel broken, but even being broken I am still strong. I can still be good to people some of the time no matter how bad it gets.

That's enough for me. The fact that I'll eventually be NOT depressed is just a blessing. Other people who've never lived with the doom-colored contacts don't recognize that kind of grace.