if i could, i would.

[flamingsword]

I have been busy with moving and not checking my flist, so once again missed Invisible Illness Week, which is funny considering that I am taking flak in my personal life for not being very upbeat right now.
So:

Dear Flist,
I have major depression. (awkward clinical term, much?) Meaning yes, somewhere in the box of files I keep with all my medical and banking and insurance paperwork is a a note signed by a medical doctor listing my diagnosis as "depression + anxiety". I like to complain a lot, I know, and I talk a lot of hyperbole and exaggeration. But I really do have depression. I did not take an online quiz, I am not haphazardly self-diagnosed.

I'm in a depressive episode right now. I feel bad. I have less motivation to do every single thing. I feel like I fuck everything up, and I can't concentrate, so I DO fuck things up, and then I feel like everything is my fault. I feel broken and helpless, and I try to be more regimented and stern with myself and it spills over onto my interactions with you and you tell me to cheer up.

I can't cheer up. I can pretend, but I tell you that I'm pretending because while I don't want you to be uncomfortable with my expressionless face I also don't want you to be mislead by a well-faked smile. That would be lying. I would rather you not try to be my friend if you need to be lied to. If you need to believe that all I need to be happy is your presence and your words of wisdom, then I'm just going to feel worse because there's no fundamental truth to our interactions. It feels hollow, scraped out and raw, to have to act like nothing's wrong. And I know it looks, from the outside, like nothing IS. And I wish that what's in here matched what's out there. It doesn't. Telling me to focus on the positive so that I can be more productive ... is not helpful. And after the first few hundred times, it starts to feel demeaning, like a running gag that you're the butt of and everyone thinks that because you don't laugh you don't get it yet, so they keep telling it when really you didn't think it was funny the first time.

If I could be happy, I would. I LIKE being happy. I like sharing happiness and spreading it around. So please take some time, if you have not yet, to consider that I am doing what I can to enjoy my life. And please stop treating me like my mood disorder is insulting to you.

Comments

[elucreh.livejournal.com]

Oh, honey, I know exactly how you feel, and I won't try to cure you with words.

I'm here. I love you. I always, always, have hugs if you want them, even though they don't fix everything.

[dreamsoffire.livejournal.com]

Once again, you manage to put into words things that I'm going through and having trouble finding a way to express. I don't have depression, but my disorder does have depressive aspects and right now I'm having a depressive period that is actually atypically long for me and having a lot of difficulty getting the people around me to be able to cope with it.

In short, thank you for posting. *hugs*

[rens-sanctuary.livejournal.com]

It's ok. We still love you and have all sorts of support. -Hugs!-

[franceschina.livejournal.com]

You have a fair few friends who know firsthand what an absolute monster depression can be. And yep, words won't fix anything; thousands of saccharin self-help books from happy people telling you to just wish on a star and think happy thoughts have kind of proven that.

That said, feel free to give us grief when we tell you to just cheer up and it'll be all right. Just don't be offended if people want to take you out, do fun things, and help give you some momentum to hop out of the depressive rut. It doesn't always help, true; sometimes it rarely helps. But feeling stagnant and friendless certainly won't help a bit. Deal?

[wv-wildchild77.livejournal.com]

*hugz* I love you sis

[raasalhayya.livejournal.com]

*nods* Yes, I know that feeling so well. Sometimes a change of situation can help; other times, it just has to run its course like some stupid invisible flu.

If there is anything that will make it less bad, please let your friends know! We love you no matter what!

[dara-starscream.livejournal.com]

(hugs)
-BJ

[kadairk.livejournal.com]

Crap. I wish I'd read this earlier. *hugggs* and more *hugggs*

I Grok this, m'dear...

[nyyki.livejournal.com]

Depression sucks, and since everyone has been there, they should understand this, but people often lack the self-awareness to really get it when it's happening to others.
You are unique. That is the thing I love most about you, that wonderful uniqueness that means that what will come out of your mouth in even the most casual conversation won't come from any other mouth I know. And I don't expect you to rubber stamp my moods or even comment on them if you don't want to, because I don't expect anything from you -- who am I to place my expectations on you? That's just rude.

I like you when you're peppy, morose, snarky, brittle, or myriad other moods, because I like you for who you are. I also know you're busier than a drug dealer at a yuppie block party, so I don't expect you to always be around. You're the one who said you're like a bent penny, always showing up when you least expect it, and I honor that.
Would I like for you to get out of this depression? Hell, yes, because I don't like seeing my friends in pain. But I also understand that this is going on for a reason, and that you've probably got a reason for it, and that it probably also fits into your master plan for total world domination that I can't quite understand yet.
But I do feel that we need sushi. If I have to, I'll buy.
Love you. If you need it, I'm here, and I'm not going away. That's what friends do -- remember the saying, friends help you move, real friends help you move bodies, and true friends help you move bodies with no questions.

[marilla82.livejournal.com]

Oh, my hon. I wish there were words or things that we could do to fix this for you. I know there aren't. Please know that we ARE here. And this little circle of people out here, we're not just in the ether. We're real and we do care.