if i could, i would.

[flamingsword]

I have been busy with moving and not checking my flist, so once again missed Invisible Illness Week, which is funny considering that I am taking flak in my personal life for not being very upbeat right now.
So:

Dear Flist,
I have major depression. (awkward clinical term, much?) Meaning yes, somewhere in the box of files I keep with all my medical and banking and insurance paperwork is a a note signed by a medical doctor listing my diagnosis as "depression + anxiety". I like to complain a lot, I know, and I talk a lot of hyperbole and exaggeration. But I really do have depression. I did not take an online quiz, I am not haphazardly self-diagnosed.

I'm in a depressive episode right now. I feel bad. I have less motivation to do every single thing. I feel like I fuck everything up, and I can't concentrate, so I DO fuck things up, and then I feel like everything is my fault. I feel broken and helpless, and I try to be more regimented and stern with myself and it spills over onto my interactions with you and you tell me to cheer up.

I can't cheer up. I can pretend, but I tell you that I'm pretending because while I don't want you to be uncomfortable with my expressionless face I also don't want you to be mislead by a well-faked smile. That would be lying. I would rather you not try to be my friend if you need to be lied to. If you need to believe that all I need to be happy is your presence and your words of wisdom, then I'm just going to feel worse because there's no fundamental truth to our interactions. It feels hollow, scraped out and raw, to have to act like nothing's wrong. And I know it looks, from the outside, like nothing IS. And I wish that what's in here matched what's out there. It doesn't. Telling me to focus on the positive so that I can be more productive ... is not helpful. And after the first few hundred times, it starts to feel demeaning, like a running gag that you're the butt of and everyone thinks that because you don't laugh you don't get it yet, so they keep telling it when really you didn't think it was funny the first time.

If I could be happy, I would. I LIKE being happy. I like sharing happiness and spreading it around. So please take some time, if you have not yet, to consider that I am doing what I can to enjoy my life. And please stop treating me like my mood disorder is insulting to you.

Comments

[franceschina.livejournal.com]

You have a fair few friends who know firsthand what an absolute monster depression can be. And yep, words won't fix anything; thousands of saccharin self-help books from happy people telling you to just wish on a star and think happy thoughts have kind of proven that.

That said, feel free to give us grief when we tell you to just cheer up and it'll be all right. Just don't be offended if people want to take you out, do fun things, and help give you some momentum to hop out of the depressive rut. It doesn't always help, true; sometimes it rarely helps. But feeling stagnant and friendless certainly won't help a bit. Deal?

[flamingsword.livejournal.com]

Deal. I'm socially awkward again, but you won't mind. And I'm quieter, but that just means you'll have to talk more which will be good for you anyway. :T

You're a lovely person, and a true friend. I'll be calling you next week to invade your time.