Depression. No, the clinical kind.

[flamingsword]

So . . . I'm depressed. And the bad dreams can seriously stop any time now.

I've been fending off clinical depression fairly well the last five years, once I learned the mechanisms behind how it gets bad and stopped setting myself up for it. It takes months to drag yourself out of a bad patch, or at least it does for me, who refuses to be medicated. Likewise, it takes a while for depression to set in, and I've been having more consecutive days of "meh" since this spring. It's only when the bad dreams come on most nights and I wake up stiff and cold and huddled into myself that I realize that this isn't just me being moody, something is actually wrong. And it's not that bad. There are degrees of depression and mine was never all that disabling in the normal run of things.

Let me head a few reactions off at the pass. You haven't done anything. This isn't about you, any of you. This is nobody's fault. My biological father has had what I'm sure is undiagnosed clinical depression his whole life, and a few members of my mothers family are on antidepressant medications (not that I've ever heard about that. shh.). The genetic factors argue a tendency towards the imbalance, but they don't control my brain chemistry. It's never been actually crippling, just like being sad and bored for a year or so. I've had off-and-on phases of feeling like this since I was 9. It's why I hate boredom so very much.

Some people can't fight depression off, even with these helpful tricks. They've worked for me before, though. So I'm sticking with this:

Heidi's Simple Plan
-Get high-activity, aerobic exercise.
-Get sunlight.
-Get leafy greens, potassium and magnesium.
-No angsting. Anxiety uses up neurotransmitters you don't have to spare.

Make no mistake, this is going to suck for me. Sunlight gives me headaches, and I hate taking more pills and vitamins than I already do. Come to think of it, this is why I started the habit of taking so many, and the content of what I was taking slowly changed. I'll figure out something for the exercise. No decision will be satisfactory, but that's normal for a rough patch.

Feel free to be supportive, but don't expect me to be very grateful about it for a few months. This is the sucky part, here, where I'll know I'm being horrible and won't be able to really fix that and will settle for avoiding you. Being cut off socially and probably gaining or losing some fat for a while is normal. Well, normal for me.

There are corollaries to the above action items, but I'll only post them if anyone needs the info or actually cares.

Comments

[m1yuk1chan.livejournal.com]

I bet you know this already, but I'll say it anyway: Cry. I'm not medicated as well, and I'm very lucky to not have bad enough to keep me from the things I love. Most of the time I seem to be able to psych myself out of it. Once or twice a year it's something I can't deal with using music, dancing, and Robin Williams. So I cry. I grab the nearest loved one and start balling till they're soaked and I've gotten it out.

[flamingsword.livejournal.com]

I've tried that already. For passing smallish-medium lows, it works. For the 'I've had a run up to it' lows, not so much. But, yeah, on the post I'll be making about depressive-combatance, it will go on the list.