flamingsword | Feelings are exhausting

So: the good news is that Ghost did not realize that he was hitting all of my social-shunning buttons until I went to spend the night over at

rubyredrose’s house for the explicit purpose of not being around him and crying. (There was Braum’s no-sugar-added ice cream, a sleepover, and me figuring out where my limits for this are, and how close we are to my reaching them. I have open tabs on how to get a divorce in Texas to prove it.)

But when I came back this afternoon to talk to him about it, he was in a very different mood, and was apologetic about both his effect on me and his part in the empathy failures and misunderstandings that brought about this state of affairs. He has a couple of ideas of how to not be only consuming media that focuses on the darker parts of human nature that skews his statistical view of people, and he wants to try joining the props and lighting crew for a local Rocky Horror company. 🍀

We have a lot more work to do for this, but I have at least some hope that he is investing in the things that will fix our relationship. He has agreed to read the book Unmasking Autism and see if he can start to be gradually more authentic in his relationships, so that things don’t get so bad in the future. I have asked him to come up with some relationship goals and a vision for what he wants our relationship to look like in the coming week, so that we can negotiate and experiment with what might work for both of us to have things to share.

So I am giving it 40 days, and then I will re-assess whether we may need to get a separation or a divorce. As it stands, we are not going to split up yet, and are going to try to work it out now that Ghost knows there is a boundary there.

I am just hoping this is not all a twisted lead-up to another manic break/psychotic episode. Also I am exhausted from the way my body has been somatizing tension for the last three days. I could really do without the mouth ulcers, stress headaches, and gasping, pre-panic-attack breathing. Oy.

Also, I texted my sister a few days ago and my dad is in the hospital with meningitis. So that’s … not great. I haven’t had the bandwidth to worry about it yet.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

From:

genderjumper

[all the hugs] I got your back friend. I really hope these next 40 days are what you both need them to be.

From:

flamingsword

🫂🫂🫂

Thank you for having my back during this.

From:

genderjumper

Perpetual. Think of me as a fin. ;)

From:

flamingsword

🐟🐠🐬

From:

silk_dragon_zen

I'm glad he's finally recognizing that you have needs too and that things are easing up for at least the next few weeks.

He has a couple of ideas of how to not be only consuming media that focuses on the darker parts of human nature that skews his statistical view of people

Also relieved to hear this!

Best of luck to you both 🍀

— Sage

From:

flamingsword

Thanks.

It should get better if he’s serious, and we are reinstating weekly relationship talks and I will be bothering him about them even if he doesn’t feel like talking (unless he is actually in ill health). I should write up a checklist of questions, shouldn’t I? Lemme go do that.

From:

tuzemi

(There was Braum’s no-sugar-added ice cream, a sleepover, and me figuring out where my limits for this are, and how close we are to my reaching them. I have open tabs on how to get a divorce in Texas to prove it.)

Omg I wish I could have joined you irl! Beyond just the yummy Braums mmmmmm, it sounds like it was a good putting-energy-INTO-you time, even if it was an emotional mess. I hope you have more days, and more people, putting their love into you. 💖

A friend of mine many years ago passed an insight to me that has been very helpful in directing thoughts around the big life decisions like divorce. I don't want to overwhelm or go into advice mode though unless you want it, so will just pause here.

Take care, hug yourself, keep being awesome. hug 💗💗

From:

flamingsword

If you have time and energy, I have the bandwidth to hear about this now and process it for if/when I may need it, bc I could frankly use all of the advice.

And thank you. You would have been welcome at the sleep over. (I think for my 50th birthyday, I am going to do a 15th birthyday party, possibly including sleepover. Do each others hair / makeup, eat candy and ice cream and pizza rolls, listen to music from 1995 and make mixtapes. The whole thing that I never got to have at the time [bc Mom was dating a Southern Baptist when I was that age, and he was a controlling bible-thumping absolute creep].)

What are your tough-times rituals? Do you have any, or have you inherited any from your spouse or other relationships?

From:

tuzemi

(I started this reply yesterday, but things kinda got away from me for a sec. Now I'm coming back to it, but haven't yet read your latest discussion post-mortem post. I will get to that after this...)

I don't have tough times rituals really, but did make a list from therapy of self-care things that usually soothe me: relaxing in a bath, calming music, time off from work, doing my nails, gentle neighborhood walks. When those fail, I also have the option of numbing -- just passing time -- via TV shows and computer games. (Also sometimes numbing works out for me, because my mood is so strongly influenced by the weather: a few gloomy/icy days followed by a bright sunshiny day and my mood almost always takes a positive jump. Just gotta wait it out until then.)

Ok, so about that advice from my friend. Years ago we went through a very rough patch, I felt totally trapped, and I also felt like she did not really love me. I was venting to a friend, and she said:

I want you to imagine your post-divorce life. What are you doing differently without her in it? Activities, hobbies, waking up in an apartment instead of a house, new friends, places you have always wanted to see...???

All of that, think about it.

Then after you have an idea of that, start doing those things.

You don't have to wait for the divorce.

If your partner doesn't want to do those things, that's ok, they can just be for you. But maybe she surprises you and wants to do more too with you. Maybe she doesn't. Maybe you find out that most of those items on your list aren't things you want long-term, and now you know because you finally gave them a try. Just start doing them and find out what you really want/need for your future.

What I really wanted most at that time was to talk to a therapist. So I went about setting up an appointment, and told her about it. She was terrified, upset, a lot of things -- but she couldn't stop me. It opened the door to good change, even though I didn't see the therapist for very long.

A decade later, I am transitioning, our sexual orientations don't exactly line up, so the D word is back on the table. This time because a) she really is my best friend in this world and I want her happiness too, but also b) I have to make plans for a totally un-plannable future. I might have to grab a bag and just go. Or I might die and my blood kin spring up out of the wordwork to fuck shit up for her. Or she might really need a man to be her life partner. It all leads to the same place though: what do I want for our lives if we must separate for any of the zillion reasons?

I made decisions, and we are doing them now rather than later. The assets I would want to pass on to her if I died: all but one are already done, and the last is soon. This is a few hundred dollars in filing fees now, 10's-100's of thousands of dollars of assets being gifted to her outright, against the advice of lawyers. Theoretically this shouldn't be needed, but if we end up in divorce court then there won't be any big community assets to split, and similarly if I died (or was imprisoned by a hostile government) then my blood kin will have zero claim to what I had planned to pass on.

It's a little grim, this way of thinking. But also liberating.

...

So that's the big stuff post, based on my friend's advice.

💗