Making myself do the thing
May. 13th, 2024 06:28 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
flamingswordFeelings:
happiness:
• good pain day! Today was like a 2 on the 10 scale. And yeah, maybe that’s the disability scale, but still. Not too bad!
• this week is Ghost’s and my … 13th Anniversary? I think. It’s definitely this week, whichever one it is.
• three of my coworkers have liked my buzz cut hair, unknowing of why it all got chopped off. One of them suggested that I dye it, and I’m honestly thinking about it.
• I got more smellgood ingredients, so I can make a few more smells to take to work for the diffuser. Plus some things for friends and I: chocolate fragrance that smells like actual chocolate, Haitian vetiver, oakmoss absolute - yummy smells, all.
sadness:
• one of my friends mom’s had a mini-stroke. She’s okay, but the folks who know their family were sad and worried about her for about 24 hours. Those worries don’t all go away just because the stroke was not bad this time, bc there could easily be future strokes. Or vascular dementia. Or heart / blood problems, depending on the causes of the mini-stroke. Light a candle etc., if you believe in such things.
• My uncle E, the one whose wife and granddaughter died last year, dislocated his hip. Really badly. They are trying to reduce it enough to pop it back in, bc if they can’t… he’s already on oxygen for emphysema, he’s not a great candidate to operate on. So the family are going to be making a bunch of decisions over the next few days. Who can stay with him and cousin J until this gets taken care of? Whose house could he move to for palliative care if they can’t take care of it? Who’s going to take over J’s care (she can’t move around much either)? Keep the house or sell it? Who could go out there this summer and get the house ready to be sold? He’s a cussed old codger, so watch him make it past this and live another 5 years, but still: they need help and the family are rallying around them as I type this.
fear:
• I don’t want to get guilted into helping uncle E, as that will not be a fun experience for anyone. I’m a bit afraid I will have to have honest conversations with people who are absolutely opposed to emotional honesty, and tell them that if they succeed in getting me to go to Missouri, I will resent the crap out of them for it, probably not do a very good job of it no matter how hard ai try, and possibly wind up more disabled from overdoing it. Bc bodies are wack.
anger:
• irritated that someone in particular could get back to me about that book, but hasn’t done so. 🙎
• the moving company still have my mom’s furniture, and have not even got the delivery scheduled yet! She moved in mid-April! She is so pissed, and if she says the word, I’m going to start calling the moving company every hour or two until they schedule with her to get Mom her stuff. She bought some patio chairs at a home and garden center, a bed, and a tv for her and Step-Dad to watch, but … they’re living in the kind of sparsity that is probably setting off Mom’s financial anxiety.
• Uncle M in WV is still being a crazy person at my sister and my niece. I am both angry and utterly unimpressed with him. If this turns out to all be bc Dad didn’t help him regravel his freaking driveway, then I may need an alibi ‘cause I’m gonna be real tempted to commit a felony. Or just call him and have another super-honest conversation with him, which he did not appreciate last time. Oh freaking well.
disgust:
• coworkers are coming to work while still in the process of getting over pneumonia. If I turn up sick next week, I’mma be pissed. Until then I am just grossed out.
• tiny cats can make a surprising size and range of stinks.
surprise:
• I hooked my friend and their mom up with a different friend who does care facilitation, who offered a very generous discount on his/her/their fees. I don’t know how the family are going to use their services, but even knowing that someone is waiting to help you, whose job it is to know these things, will be a mental burden lifted from the family.
Separate, Mom-based anger and a tiny bit of grief:
• I’m building a Pinterest board called Working On It (featuring all the stuff I need to work on in my head bc of my fucked up childhood, plus my first long term relationship devolving into gas-lighty abuse by the end) - it’s 42 pins long so far. Ugh.
• I realize now that part of the reason I get codependent with partners is that my mom never explained her reasoning for being upset - even that time when I remember being so confused I was melting down about it. And asking why she was mad would make her super mad at me specifically if she was just in a bad mood and snapping at people, so I couldn’t do that. I had to try to read her mind - and being autistic I am super bad at that - so that I could create a story that made sense and try to never let those circumstances repeat. Sometimes it put me in the position of trying to keep the peace between grown neurotypical adults who neither respected nor listened to me. No wonder I have anxiety and try to over-control myself to control my environment. Still, it’s on the list of stuff to work on.
• I am putting a bunch of rough drafts and pencil work of these childhood-grieving posts in the TheraPets notebook, bc it reminds me to be nice to myself, that I have innate value, and that I deserve to be on my own side. It’s helping, but I’m sad that I was taught to feel so bad about myself that I kind of have to do it that way to even get it done.
happiness:
• good pain day! Today was like a 2 on the 10 scale. And yeah, maybe that’s the disability scale, but still. Not too bad!
• this week is Ghost’s and my … 13th Anniversary? I think. It’s definitely this week, whichever one it is.
• three of my coworkers have liked my buzz cut hair, unknowing of why it all got chopped off. One of them suggested that I dye it, and I’m honestly thinking about it.
• I got more smellgood ingredients, so I can make a few more smells to take to work for the diffuser. Plus some things for friends and I: chocolate fragrance that smells like actual chocolate, Haitian vetiver, oakmoss absolute - yummy smells, all.
sadness:
• one of my friends mom’s had a mini-stroke. She’s okay, but the folks who know their family were sad and worried about her for about 24 hours. Those worries don’t all go away just because the stroke was not bad this time, bc there could easily be future strokes. Or vascular dementia. Or heart / blood problems, depending on the causes of the mini-stroke. Light a candle etc., if you believe in such things.
• My uncle E, the one whose wife and granddaughter died last year, dislocated his hip. Really badly. They are trying to reduce it enough to pop it back in, bc if they can’t… he’s already on oxygen for emphysema, he’s not a great candidate to operate on. So the family are going to be making a bunch of decisions over the next few days. Who can stay with him and cousin J until this gets taken care of? Whose house could he move to for palliative care if they can’t take care of it? Who’s going to take over J’s care (she can’t move around much either)? Keep the house or sell it? Who could go out there this summer and get the house ready to be sold? He’s a cussed old codger, so watch him make it past this and live another 5 years, but still: they need help and the family are rallying around them as I type this.
fear:
• I don’t want to get guilted into helping uncle E, as that will not be a fun experience for anyone. I’m a bit afraid I will have to have honest conversations with people who are absolutely opposed to emotional honesty, and tell them that if they succeed in getting me to go to Missouri, I will resent the crap out of them for it, probably not do a very good job of it no matter how hard ai try, and possibly wind up more disabled from overdoing it. Bc bodies are wack.
anger:
• irritated that someone in particular could get back to me about that book, but hasn’t done so. 🙎
• the moving company still have my mom’s furniture, and have not even got the delivery scheduled yet! She moved in mid-April! She is so pissed, and if she says the word, I’m going to start calling the moving company every hour or two until they schedule with her to get Mom her stuff. She bought some patio chairs at a home and garden center, a bed, and a tv for her and Step-Dad to watch, but … they’re living in the kind of sparsity that is probably setting off Mom’s financial anxiety.
• Uncle M in WV is still being a crazy person at my sister and my niece. I am both angry and utterly unimpressed with him. If this turns out to all be bc Dad didn’t help him regravel his freaking driveway, then I may need an alibi ‘cause I’m gonna be real tempted to commit a felony. Or just call him and have another super-honest conversation with him, which he did not appreciate last time. Oh freaking well.
disgust:
• coworkers are coming to work while still in the process of getting over pneumonia. If I turn up sick next week, I’mma be pissed. Until then I am just grossed out.
• tiny cats can make a surprising size and range of stinks.
surprise:
• I hooked my friend and their mom up with a different friend who does care facilitation, who offered a very generous discount on his/her/their fees. I don’t know how the family are going to use their services, but even knowing that someone is waiting to help you, whose job it is to know these things, will be a mental burden lifted from the family.
Separate, Mom-based anger and a tiny bit of grief:
• I’m building a Pinterest board called Working On It (featuring all the stuff I need to work on in my head bc of my fucked up childhood, plus my first long term relationship devolving into gas-lighty abuse by the end) - it’s 42 pins long so far. Ugh.
• I realize now that part of the reason I get codependent with partners is that my mom never explained her reasoning for being upset - even that time when I remember being so confused I was melting down about it. And asking why she was mad would make her super mad at me specifically if she was just in a bad mood and snapping at people, so I couldn’t do that. I had to try to read her mind - and being autistic I am super bad at that - so that I could create a story that made sense and try to never let those circumstances repeat. Sometimes it put me in the position of trying to keep the peace between grown neurotypical adults who neither respected nor listened to me. No wonder I have anxiety and try to over-control myself to control my environment. Still, it’s on the list of stuff to work on.
• I am putting a bunch of rough drafts and pencil work of these childhood-grieving posts in the TheraPets notebook, bc it reminds me to be nice to myself, that I have innate value, and that I deserve to be on my own side. It’s helping, but I’m sad that I was taught to feel so bad about myself that I kind of have to do it that way to even get it done.
no subject
Date: 2024-05-14 12:14 am (UTC)I had the guts to refuse because I knew I would be JUST TERRIBLE AT IT.
Good luck with your family stuff.
no subject
Date: 2024-05-14 09:08 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2024-05-15 01:52 am (UTC)Hey you, you’re great, you are 🤍
Good luck with the not being manipulated thing. I hate the waiting for complicated conversations, it’s not fun.
no subject
Date: 2024-05-15 02:37 am (UTC)I don’t think anyone (except cousin J) wants me to come up there and take care of them, and come to think of it she will get overruled if she asks, probably, so hopefully this is just me being spun up and borrowing trouble.
People have a fairly hard time manipulating me in ways that I don’t agree to, since I got taught manipulation tactics as a young adult and most kinds of coercion are much harder to do when you can see them being used on you. Ofc, when you feel constantly guilty for no reason, it’s a lot easier for people to play on that if they know it’s there. So it’s not impossible to manipulate me, especially for my family, bc lots of them have the same screwed up generational trauma Mom has, so their kids are all the same way as I am, give or take some neurodivergence and drug problems. They know where the levers are bc they’re in the same hat.
I hope that you are sleeping good sleeps rn, as you, too, are awesome and 🤍
from Merlin
Date: 2025-01-06 03:31 pm (UTC)I'm literally in the middle of grieving something that's possible the most painful thing I've ever experienced, and I'm happy about it and doing fine.
It's early childhood trauma, not going to give details, and that's not the point anyway.
The point is that you can approach grief with intention.
Grief does not have to be a stranger that drops in unexpectedly. Grief can be your friend, someone you invite in, someone you unload your troubles to.
The process is a lot like first aid, at least as I see it, and if people don't know how to do it, then I'm going to write it. This is long, so I'll put a read more.
It starts with pain, an emotional wound. Find the pain, find what hurts. Don't try to make it better, and don't pick at it. Just find it, find the emotional spot that stings.
First, clean the wound. Cry if you need, then calm yourself. Don't judge yourself. Don't make assumptions about exactly why you're feeling hurt. There could be something deeper in there, something resonating with current events. Get safe, but don't try to declare that you know exactly what you're feeling. Just let it be painful, and work through it enough so that you're not scared.
Now you're in a place where you aren't going to put more crap onto the pain. It's clean, it's only got the pain that it started with and whatever else inside you got poked and prodded by that pain as well. Do a little poking and prodding of your own. Say out loud "Am I feeling bad because of (guess something)?" Say that to your partners, to your family. Talk about it. Write about it. Make art about it. But don't assume you know the answer.
You might need professional advice. Maybe read about trauma responses. There's good summaries out there. Try asking people who know you if you are acting differently or if you fit the signs of anything. You might not get all the answers at first. In fact, it might take decades, but start with what you've got.
Now you've got a diagnosis. The pain is coming from inside you and it's because X happened and you were sensitized to that by Y and you were already overwhelmed by Z. Say that again, out loud, to people you trust, or write it, and see if that feels like a good enough theory. Now you've got some assurance. You might not know every detail, but that's okay.
You've pushed away the feelings for a while, kept them at arm's length at least occasionally so you could get a better look at them. You think you know what they are. Now go back. Go back to that moment when your life shattered, when there was damage to your safety, your confidence, or some other important part of your core self. Relive it, but say, "Yes, this hurt. This really hurt." Talk with yourself and maybe others about how much it hurt, but don't be fully objective. Be vulnerable, and say, "This happened, and it was X. The Y in my past made me sensitive. The Z in my life right now made it harder to take." Feel it.
Now find your anger. This is for a lot of people the trickiest part. Don't make it not about you. It happened to you. Don't say a lot here. Don't try to find the words. Don't even try to find someone to blame. Just be angry that it happened. Be angry that you experienced it. There's plenty of time for blame, but this isn't their time, it's your time, and this is time for you to get to feel things. You may find yourself being unreasonable or imagining overly violent behavior. That's fine. Don't actually do it.
Sit in your anger, with some care not to actually harm anyone, including yourself. You may have extra adrenaline here. It's normal. You may behave differently. Stay here only as long as it's safe for you to do so. It can take practice to handle the adrenaline and the feelings. This could be minutes or days depending on your comfort and skill, and how much there is to feel.
Lots of people won't want to continue and will tell themselves stories such as control fantasies or other coping mechanisms to "snap out" of the grieving process. Sometimes your life will demand that. Sometimes you simply don't have time to grieve. That's fine. Start at the beginning again when you're ready.
The next step, if you don't shock yourself out of the process, is usually depression. Treat depression like swimming in a dangerous lake. Unless you are very experienced, you should have a buddy and a lifeguard. One person who is ready to pull you out and another person who can do CPR once you're out. Do not go alone. As they say, depression lies.
Depression is a processing step. It is not a failure. Your body is doing important things. Let it. You will be slower. You will be different. You will be less capable of certain mental and emotional activities. Your brain is busy.
Don't avoid thinking about the painful thing when you're depressed. Actively give yourself time for that (with a buddy watching you and another person available which can reset you back to health). But also compensate for all the extra work your brain is doing to rewire itself. Eat some chocolate. Feel bad. Also, stick to a schedule and eat regular meals. They won't taste the same, so eat something. Don't eat your favorite food. Check yourself for suicidal thoughts. Your brain can get stuck, and sometimes you do have to bail and think about other stuff.
Eventually there's only so much use that you can get from depression, only so much background recovery time that's actually useful. If you give yourself time to really heal when you're depressed, and you don't have unfortunate brain chemistry, you'll tend to exit depression naturally. This can actually feel bad, specifically causing guilt. Survivor's guilt and similar feelings are natural, but they're pulling you back. They're not letting you see the world as it is. However, they are a form of bargaining, which is the next step.
Bargaining can be very different for each person. Some people wrestle with their religious faith, other people question their worth, others look for someone to blame, the list goes on. Understand very clearly that you will not find good answers. Bargaining is not about being right. Being right is a trap.
Bargaining is the final step of traps, where every conscious process you have tries to put your feelings in some kind of box or well-understood area, to give your feelings labels or justifications or to put you into some kind of position of control, to give you assurance that you won't get hurt again or that it was okay to be hurt or that you can make it better next time.
Pet yourself. Let yourself entertain these notions of control or safety or whatever, let yourself enjoy the fantasy of a caring universe or a world that makes sense, but don't let yourself really believe. Definitely don't tell other people that you believe the things these traps want you to believe. Treat yourself like the wounded animal you are, pet yourself and say, even condescendingly, "Yes, of course, it's absolutely all God's/your/your mother's/the universe's fault, that's definitely the conclusion you should come to and not think any more about this." Give yourself some grace, and don't actually get mad at yourself for some of the weird or hurtful or self-loathing ideas you are temporarily convinced about. Try not to convince your significant other that it's all their fault you're in pain while you're in this step.
Eventually, having worked through your raw emotional response, your need for mental recovery, and your intellectual urge to put feelings in boxes (anger, depression, and bargaining), you can reach the step of acceptance. This isn't an instant step. Acceptance also takes time. It's a lot more chill than the other steps, though.
What you're accepting is the pain that you processed. You're accepting that it happened, that it could happen again, and that it might happen again even if you try to make it not happen again, and that it might not. You accept, in the most literal sense, that a thing happened.
There's probably still more pain. You'll probably go through this all again for a different bit of the pain. That's okay. You chip the mountain down. One day, you find the mountain smaller. You don't need to worry about it as much. You can even find other mountains of feelings, which will not at all feel like a useful discovery, but it will be. It's okay to be annoyed.
That's grief. That's grief as an invited, wanted part of your life. You do not have to wait for it to find you. You can give it a shout, bring it around for dinner. Yes, it really sucks. Healing is like that.
Yes it will disrupt your life. Yes it may make people around you uncomfortable, or you uncomfortable with them. Some people who love you won't be about to handle you in your grief. That's okay, they're not trained, paid professionals, and even if they were, they probably couldn't be professional about someone they're close to. But let me say as clearly as I can that working through things sooner or at least on your schedule is better than having an unscheduled breakdown. And if your life needs to change because of how you feel after grieving, that's a good thing. It can suck, but it is still generally a good thing.
Final reminders: depression needs a buddy and a lifeguard, depression lies, bargaining lies to get you stuck, don't hurt people or yourself, and back out of the whole process if it's not safe right now for any reason. You're worth being healthy, and you're worth a good life. People can love you.
Good luck.
#commentary#for bad days