flamingsword | (no subject)

I think I might have a process addiction to research and also to helping people. That high that I get off of being able to hyper focus on something, and the reward feelings I get from checking my “I’m a helpful person” tickybox may not be the same feeling, but I don’t draw boundaries about either one, or manage to avoid them for long if the opportunity presents itself.

And sometimes I use it as an excuse not to work on my own shit, and to not draw boundaries that I ought to draw to take care of myself, because I’m “helping”. I love listening to the Unlocking Us podcast, it’s entertaining and informative, but also I kind of resent it for making me look from different perspectives at the work I need to do on myself. Because I have been neglecting that for a while.

I got to a place where I did not hate myself or have a bunch of shame issues, and I kind of just called it good on my personality. Which is not … bad exactly, just not done, you know?

Also I feel like I might be wavering on the leading edge of a depressive episode. Here, have a Hobbitcore music playlist to get your Bilbo on with. I’m going to knit and listen to calming pastoral music while my brain quits hurting from that infodump of a realization.

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From:

genderjumper

I think we need to talk about that plateau that people can reach, because our individualistic society likes to tell us growth is infinite, that perfection is nigh-attainable, and that if you're not sacrificing for THE GREATER GOOD, you're a terrible person.

But that greater good is probably just a rich white guy, so fuck him.

When I was coming out of burnout, I desperately wanted to get back to a place where I could function and then just plateau. I got scared of being happy again, because the happier I got the more I took on and the more I took on the sloppier I got and then people got hurt and I was over-committed and it just seemed like a cycle.

I have since passed that plateau and kept going -- I suspect the urge for growth and reflection is hard-wired more deeply than I previously believed, or that the world is just too awful now to tolerate standing still and getting carried away by the chaos -- but I found (because I surrounded myself with other people who were also healing through shit, they seemed to be the only ones who found me relatable) that many people who have been traumatized want the same thing, to just get back to functional and call it good. And that's okay. Thriving while queer or otherwise oppressed is resistance, but so is just leveling off. It could be for a week, a year, a lifetime, and it doesn't make the individual's journey any more of an achievement or their personhood any less valid.

Perhaps sit with the feeling that plateauing is bad?

My therapist has had me thinking about how I turn everything into projects, and that sometimes it's okay to just do a thing because you're doing a thing.