Pavlov For Dummies

[flamingsword]

Step 1: pay attention. Paying attention is step one, because it's always step one. If you want to reinforce positive behaviors then you have to know what behaviors there are and what constitutes a reward for the target person/s.
So: step 2a: recognize positive behaviors and reward individuals quickly.
Step 2b: clarify your signals to increase your signal-to-noise ratio. Do not send mixed messages. Be consistent enough to avoid confusion. Messages of criticism spoken during a positive review should be phrased carefully to state belief in that person's creative process. If you do something that irritates that person, desist until the next time you meet them.
Step 3 is repeating steps one and two until the positive behavior has been reinforced and then intermittently rewarding the person for it or alternating the reward with different, less-desired modalities to teach that person a wider range of positive associations.


Common social rewards:

Smile at people. Smile when they say something you like, smile when you tell them they've done something you liked. Telling people that they've done something you liked is the most clear, direct signal to reinforce a behavior, and will empower that person by giving them solid assurance of your approval.

Tell people what you like about them more often than you tell them what you don't like.

Make eye contact with those who enjoy it. Half a second to two seconds at a time of direct eye contact is the norm, Sit shoulder to shoulder with those who don't like eye contact.

Touch people as a reward. Use awareness of boundaries and touch in safe areas and manners, such as the fist-bump, handshake, high five, single gentle squeeze on the shoulder, the 1/10 strength mock-punch to the arm for the macho, or the hug for those with whom you are most familiar if a large display of approval is necessary.

Speak using inclusive group terms to display solidarity: "what are our friends doing tonight; I feel we need pizza."

Uncommon social rewards:
Paying attention to people is usually a reward by itself, but when people do not like to be looked at directly or have phobias/social anxieties there are ways around this.

Sit beside someone to talk about a subject represented by a physical thing in front of both of you. That's the way to go for the shyest and most withdrawn. They, themselves, aren't being discussed, so it takes the perceived pressure off of what they can represent about themselves and places it on what they have to say about the topical discussion. Pick one of their favorite subjects and let introverts rant for a bit. Having someone really pay attention to their nerd rage is validating and will increase their likelihood to listen to your nerd rage due to reciprocity.

Use reciprocity. Ask for small favors: the loan of a movie; their help with choosing something; assistance with a craft of repair project; coming by and feeding a pet while you're away. Let people do nice things for you, even if you enjoy being independent. Having them feel like they owe you a favor is not doing them any favors - it wears away at people's self-confidence to feel beholden. Letting them return a favor strengthens your bond. Being appreciative of it and talking about the aftereffects of the favor bolsters their belief in their social competence. Good all around.

Take turns. Most social groups will fall naturally into a turn-taking pattern, but some don't. If it looks like someone is on a rant but someone else has something to say, wait until the ranter takes a breath and quickly ask the pensive one what they think. Smile and nod your thanks at the ranter when the other person has finished, and be sure to prompt the ranter to continue at the right place once that's resolved.

In the case of friends with personality disorders reward narrow and specific things that will not reinforce the irrational behaviors.

If someone has a tendency to fawn and make neurotic bids for attention, do not reward them for behaviors which will reinforce their belief in their dependency on others. Instead be that little bit nicer to them for making decisions of their own or for defending an unpopular position. (You can support people's independence from you without being a dick, I don't care what anyone says.)

For the arrogant, compliment them on being considerate of someone's feelings. Even if you're pretty sure that it was accidental on their part, even if you have to look for ways to make it a compliment. People try to become more like the things that they get praised for, and setting up a reward system for people to fix their social deficits, while manipulative, is still good for everyone in the long run.

Please leave feedback if I've missed anything!
Disclaimer: this is not the 5 love languages or any kind of self-help. This is not a recommendation that you take other people on as "projects". This is a helpful guide to motivating people to doing more of the good things that they do some of anyway. If you "push", you can go too far; it can cause personality changes and that may or may not be a good thing. While other people are ultimately responsible for their actions, you will still feel like a shit for having a role in turning your friend into a different person.

Comments

[tanniynim.livejournal.com]

(Stop telling people my secrets.)

[flamingsword.livejournal.com]

(No.)

[jslorentz.livejournal.com]

Good stuff, thank you for sharing. It's good to be aware of these things, even the handful that come naturally or unconsciously, and how they might affect people who respond differently to social stimuli.