grief and worry
Dec. 9th, 2004 08:24 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
flamingswordI'm worried about my dad. He lives in West Virginia, with his wife and my half-siblings, Corbi and Cody. Corbi emailed me saying that he's drinking more heavily again, denying any change, and moping and being generally depressed.
It's the holidays, and lots of people do this. But NOT my dad; this is aberrant behavior for him. He is NEVER emotionally expressive, not of joy, not of anything. And he's talking. He doesn't do that either. Dad is taciturn. He isn't Silent Bob, but more than three minutes of conversation at a time is rare. Corbi said he wished I could come home for Christmas, but that I was probably never coming home, and the only way I would probably go back to West Virginia was the way Larry did, and then he started crying. My little sister is freaking out. Dad was raised in that section of mountain men that never show emotion. He hunts, fishes, drinks, and makes his own knives. He has never shed a tear in front of my sister without being hospitalized for whatever was broken, bleeding, or seriously infected.
Dad never shares his grief with anyone, so I don't know if he ever actually grieved for my brother. I know Larry's ashes are in a decorative box by the waterfall in the hollow on Dad's property, the most beautiful spot he has. I know it changed him, but letting something draw you farther into yourself when your firstborn son dies is not letting out your grief and rage. There's a whole process of acceptance that I'm coming to think he entirely ignored. I know he's used to not acknowledging parts of himself as existing, but I know that Larry was never a city person in his heart. He would have gone back to West Virginia eventually. I think Dad knows that, too. I think it's tearing him up inside and he won't let it out.
I've met a lot of broken people in my life, and some are a lot more obvious about it than my Dad.
I'm worried.
It's the holidays, and lots of people do this. But NOT my dad; this is aberrant behavior for him. He is NEVER emotionally expressive, not of joy, not of anything. And he's talking. He doesn't do that either. Dad is taciturn. He isn't Silent Bob, but more than three minutes of conversation at a time is rare. Corbi said he wished I could come home for Christmas, but that I was probably never coming home, and the only way I would probably go back to West Virginia was the way Larry did, and then he started crying. My little sister is freaking out. Dad was raised in that section of mountain men that never show emotion. He hunts, fishes, drinks, and makes his own knives. He has never shed a tear in front of my sister without being hospitalized for whatever was broken, bleeding, or seriously infected.
Dad never shares his grief with anyone, so I don't know if he ever actually grieved for my brother. I know Larry's ashes are in a decorative box by the waterfall in the hollow on Dad's property, the most beautiful spot he has. I know it changed him, but letting something draw you farther into yourself when your firstborn son dies is not letting out your grief and rage. There's a whole process of acceptance that I'm coming to think he entirely ignored. I know he's used to not acknowledging parts of himself as existing, but I know that Larry was never a city person in his heart. He would have gone back to West Virginia eventually. I think Dad knows that, too. I think it's tearing him up inside and he won't let it out.
I've met a lot of broken people in my life, and some are a lot more obvious about it than my Dad.
I'm worried.
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no subject
Date: 2004-12-09 04:03 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-12-11 04:27 am (UTC)