Because someone I like asked, and you know how I get

[flamingsword]

H’okay, so: when I was 7, I had a daydream that when I grew up I was going to have a boyfriend who was already married to someone else, so that nobody would have to rely on me to be a functional human being and I would have people to be good to who weren’t putting all those needs on me that ““normal”” people have that I didn’t understand. And right now I do basically have that! And it’s great! But also it is of course much more complicated, not being a child’s fantasy of what adult life will be like.

I am well adjusted to this situation, in that it provides a variety of experiences so I stay interested and don’t get bored and thus divested; it means that even when people have needs I can’t meet I don’t get left behind because they can probably get that need met with one of my metamours.

In the current polycule, most of the discussions happen with ~5 or less of us at a time because lining up every schedule among 12+ busy adults is An Herculean Task. Like, cleaning the Augean Stables level task. It reminds me of trying to get a D&D group together: you need to have software that can handle people’s schedules to even get to the negotiating stage - even if you’re just joining into an already-established polycule. If you didn’t have an app for that, you would need one person with fully-operational executive function in your polycule, just to handle scheduling which … if one of my metamours has that, let’s just say I’ve never met them.

So instead, we have things like Google’s Calendar and Jamboard applications for getting together or for collaborative idea generation for non-simultaneous communication when getting together is an unsolvable problem.

Nota Bene: Google apps are being scraped for AI training data, and so you should be somewhat careful about putting sensitive information in them. Other apps are available:
https://www.weelplanner.app/calendar-for-polyamory
https://www.lovepye.com/
https://write.ellipsus.com/
https://cryptpad.org/

Time for the deep questions:
• How do I make myself communicate things I’ve been burned before by expressing? Can I trust these specific people?
• How do I learn boundary-setting? Do we just try the most restricted limits first and then reevaluate every couple of months?
• I know the books all say to ensure the safety of the person with the most to fear. But how do we collectively navigate jealousy and insecurity in a polycule? How do we make sure everyone feels respected, safe, and seen?
• How can I tell if ethical nonmonogamy is for me? Was it this style of relating making me unhappy or was it that relationship specifically that was making me crazier?
• Do I need community engagement to get advice and second opinions? How do I do that without violating privacy boundaries?
• What do I want? What values about relationships do I have that dictate the ways I can comfortably relate? What are my deal-breakers?

Once you, as a collective, have ideas about answers to most of these questions, other stuff can be negotiated - except for people’s safety boundaries. Please don’t let people try to negotiate you out of your feelings of safety - it doesn’t work in the long term and will just breed anxiety and resentment.

Comments

[otter]

Not really relevant, but maybe relevant? Doing the autistic "This is how I relate to this conversation" thing.
As a teenager, I knew that monogamy wasn't for me, and I was fairly open with anyone I was involved with about having multiple involvements. It didn't work well, and I messily hurt at least two people I cared about very much. And then I got married too young. And that was such a mess that I refused to bring anyone else in - the ex said "go find a girlfriend for both of us". Yuck. After the divorce, I was just wild. Still open with anyone I was involved with, but wild. And never in a * relationship, though involved with a number of polyamorous folks. And then with W, that was pretty monogamous because that was how he rolled. I've no idea how to find and connect with people anymore, since I'm still practicing masking and limiting my exposure to people who don't.

* I know "primary" isn't the word anymore, but it used to be and I can't remember what it shifted to.

[flamingsword]

"Primary" is still used but now often gets split into what roles someone is fulfilling in your life, like "nesting partner", "anchor partner", as opposed to "secondary" vs. "vacationship", "satellite" or even the dreaded "IDEKationship" of not even knowing what to call someone or whether you're that into each other.

I have tried doing the monogamish thing, but I fall in love with people whether or not I'm already in a relationship, which is ... kinda a defining characteristic that polyamory has. Some of us Ethical Non-Monogamists are just Like That as humans, and so we try to be as ethical about it as we know how at the time. Maybe offer apologies to people whose contact info you still have and then forgive yourself for hurting people you didn't know how to protect? Carrying regret is human, and I get it, but too much regret leads to bitterness and that's no way to live your life.

*hugs*

My friend genderjumper is also Covid Cautious and on the dating scene. It's hard, but it's not impossible, even as we get older.

[otter]

As for messes I made as a teen, one of the people died nearly 20 years ago. And the other made it clear I was to avoid contact after I moved back to the city I grew up in and would see him at the store or theater or wherever.

Perhaps your friend would share notes with me?

[flamingsword]

You can always ask him/her/them? They used to teach classes on the above stuff, including one called Building A Better Break-Up, which I credit as the major part of why ex-husband Ghost and I had such a relatively non-acrimonious breakup (well, before Ghost decided that he couldn’t deal with being reminded that I exist, anyway. But that part’s on him).

Now she does Disability Justice stuff, and is just generally a wonderful person. If you want to check out her journal, I’m sure you’ll find more than a few things in common, like (unofficial in her case) mentorship, autism and teaching people acceptance of us, gentle/intentional parenting, and community care.

So yeah, if you want to go ask genderjumper about some Covid Cautious dating and event hosting stuff, or swap stories about caregiving, then he and his rotating-pronouns self will be around. You can also come join us on the One Free Community Discord server, if you want more Disability Justice friends and resources.

[otter]

:) Thank you

[mudousetsuna]

I have mad respect for any group that can keep organized if you're that big. I'm sure that boundaries and communication are ever evolving, but I'm glad you can graph it out and ask yourself these questions. I hope that y'all get what you need out of it. I would say that even if your boundaries change because of something, the honesty is the most important thing, followed by consideration of the weight of how that clicks with the other person/persons.

[flamingsword]

Yeah, it's A Task, for sure! And now that I have left my exhusband, this is what I have with Merlin and the Greater Puget Sound Area Polycule. Apparently I had forgotten that some of the 3+degree metamours are dating more people in the kink community, and some of them consider non-romantic-non-fluid-bonded kink relationships a form of dating? So apparently the 'cule is bigger than I had been remembering, lol.

[mudousetsuna]

I just wanna say your icon is hilarious in this context.

But wishing y'all the best! :D

[sabethea]

One thing I would remind you is that it is not your responsibility to make sure everyone feels seen, safe, and respected. It is your responsibility to try and ensure you make everyone feel those things from YOU but you don’t have to take on the responsibilities of caring about the emotions of the whole group by yourself. If you try that, you’ll burn yourself out. You are used to being expected to take on the emotional baggage of a relationship ( and you should never have to take on all of it anyway, but you know that <3) and I’m just worried you’ll instinctively try to do that here, with a much bigger relationship structure and…no one is asking or expecting you to do that. It’s okay. You can look after you, and just make sure you’re treating other people correctly for a while, as you get used to how the polycule functions. Even after that, you don’t need to take more than your share of emotional labour.

[flamingsword]

Weirdly, the polycule (that I’ve been part of since the beginning of the pandemic) has their shit together in such a way as to not need me to do that. They do their own emotional labor, they work on their shit, and they ask for help and for people to kick around ideas as necessary. Like half of them have had therapy and actually engaged with that process. It’s probably part of why I eventually broke up with Ghost. They normalized what equitable relationships looked like, and he wasn’t keeping up. :/

Thank you for looking out for me, friend. 🥰 It does make me feel seen.

[flamingsword]

You’re not scheduling an in-person or simultaneous-on-the-web game though. Please keep pushing back against the thoughts that relationship troubles you have had are somehow all your fault and entirely made of personal failures? Like, even if it were true, you would still be a worthwhile person and I would still love you like family.

Oh! I’m redoing the Friend Book, I should send out the questionnaire again. And possibly post it on here for my DW-only friends.

[flamingsword]

You said, “I seem to have failed in any type of romantic relationship”. That kinda sounds like putting responsibility on yourself alone? So yeah, just pointing out a way that you are talking about yourself.

Also: fuck cancer.

[minoanmiss]

I am kind of delighted that you dreamt of polyamory as a child.

My father, who would be horrified to hear he taught me feminism, would probably finally asplode if I told him he also helped me grow up to be poly. I saw that he always had female friends and he was never inappropriate and my mother was never jealous, which I drew on when I was older and understood myself better (also, amusingly, to construct the boundaries I was finally putting up between myself and my parents).

[flamingsword]

IMO your so-called father has earned some horrors. … actually, so has mine. I hope mine has given up on my being any part of the person he wants his “oldest daughter” to be.

If it were within my genie-lamp-rubbing-ability, I would wish for us all the safety and ability to come out of all of the closets just to see if our terrible parents would have coronaries and leave us the heck alone. Or possibly be shocked into growing as people until they stopped being all … *waves hand to indicate dismissiveness of their actions, convictions, and personalities*. I think it’s a wish worth making.