Shadow work post

[flamingsword]

8. What are the three most important relationships in your life, and how have they influenced your beliefs about who you are?
Do people really do this? Like, I get the Circle of Trust exercise where you evaluate between people you tell certain things to, or have certain people you trust with some things that you don’t entrust to everyone. But like, ranking people as most important? Which of your limbs is most important?

I learn things about myself from all of my friends, and keep or change behaviors accordingly. It doesn’t matter whether they’re “most important” to me or not. I know that nyyki, genderjumper, and ot_atma have commented on my behavior and personality the most often, bc I’m around them fairly often and few topics are off-limits from me. Does that make them more important than other folks in my network? *shakes head in consternation*

9. What kind of people do you attract around you?
I attract all sorts of people, really, but only some are welcome to stay. I don’t tend to keep mooches/users around me anymore because now when they make those early asks for things bigger than our friendship warrants I will comment on how our relationship isn’t there yet. Just having the most simple verbal boundary is enough to discourage 90% of the goddamn vampires out there. Mooches don’t like to hear people tell the truth about them to their faces, so any signal that I’m going to tell them stuff their inflated sense of entitlement can’t deal with means that they will export themselves from my life.

Now I need to learn meta-communication skills about feeling alienated from someone, since that was one of the problematic things about my relationship with Ghost, my relationship with Xenoix, … lots of my relationships, both “romantic” and platonic. It’s not that I “attract” aloof/avoidant people, I think I just don’t know how to call out the withdrawal behaviors or know how to ask for things I need but can’t identify in the moment. I might have to go back to doing the “5 wants 5 unmet needs” journal entries soon. Not that I’m planning on starting new relationships anytime soon, but … it’s kind of not fair for me to ask what other people need so that I get to help them and then not let them know how to offer help in return. It’s lopsided, imbalanced, unsustainable.

Gotta fix that.

Comments

Friendexing

[nyyki]

I've never sat down or taken time to do a formal analysis of who the most important friends are, though in the past I have labeled certain people best friends. I think these two dynamics aren't the same thing. For example, S would make that list, because she's the one who's here, the one who gets me to medical appointments and helps me find dropped things or figure out something requiring sight. But I'm not that close with her, especially not close enough to discuss the things that are damaging our friendship. She knows me on a superficial level, though I think I know her deeper, thanks to her tendency to overshare.

More to the point, most important when, and for what? This kind of indexing reduces interpersonal relationships to metrics -- is Ernie a more important friend than Bert? That takes a lot of analysis and also requires an evaluation of the person doing the analysis to index the value of their own needs and wants. I can get the value of that work from a personal growth and self-knowledge angle, and I also get that who someone is closer to or finds more important is more about them than the friends and associates.

I would have an easier time of this than some others, because my friends cadre has dwindled. But I can say this -- there are people I consider friends who I know that if I sent out word that I needed help they'd come immediately, while others wouldn't, and from a tactical frame that's important to know