pissed off.

[flamingsword]

So Ghost and I just had our very first shout-at-each-other argument. He's off one of his bipolar medicines due to pharmacy electronic systems bullshit, and it turns out that when he gets even a little unstable he will say stuff like, "Your paranoia is killing me".

So it feels like he was just saying that he respected my fears and the reasons behind them, and because he can't see a reason for himself (straight, white, upper class, cis man) to be afraid, that there's not a "real" reason to be afraid. That my and other folx wanting to GTFO of Texas is "paranoia".

I'm kinda livid rn. I'm going to go calm down before work.

Comments

[sabethea]

Oh hon, this does not seem like a happy place for you. *hug*

[flamingsword]

I am starting to physically break down from stress, I think. I have been so tired for most of two weeks from not sleeping well, and eating too much sugar, and being in pain, and having brain fog, and I just … I’m not sure what to do. You know?

Here for You

[nyyki]

As always, if you need to talk through this, I'm here. But I hope you can find a way to let this wash off, because this is the unmedicated Ghost talking, and you know what that condition looks like.

Love you, sib.

Re: Here for You

[flamingsword]

Thanks, Nyyki. I love you back.

[havocthecat]

This is. Um. I'm so sorry. I hope you were able to calm down.

[flamingsword]

I did get calmed down before my first client, and then almost cried bc a coworker who knows I’m having trouble asked me how my day was going and I asked her if she wanted the truth or the acceptable thing to say. She said truth, and I explained today to her, and she didn’t get the nb trans thing but said that the fact that the attorney general of my state wants to put us on a list for unknown purposes sounds ominous as shit. And she said she was sorry that my marital trouble hadn’t gotten better yet. And then I almost cried. Bodies are inexplicable.

[minoanmiss]

Oh argh. hugs you sustainingly

[flamingsword]

Thanks. Yeah, I think he's just now realizing that we have a fundamental incompatibility that I'm not going to be able to fix by pulling a magic solution out of my ass. That our marriage is actually in trouble and there's not really much I can do other than stay and feel in danger and under threat ... forever. Which is still going to break us up as I will have no oxygen mask on.

[lokifan]

JFC. That really, really sucks.

[flamingsword]

It really does. I get that not all of this is his rational mind calling the shots, but it's not like he's apologized for calling me paranoid either.

[rens_sanctuary]

So it feels like he was just saying that he respected my fears and the reasons behind them, and because he can't see a reason for himself (straight, white, upper class, cis man) to be afraid, that there's not a "real" reason to be afraid. That my and other folx wanting to GTFO of Texas is "paranoia".

That right there is some grade-A Voldemorticia bullshit. AKA “Not a problem for -me- so it’s not a problem at all.” And, do
I EVER know that feeling. Sorry.

[flamingsword]

He has backed down out of this once on medication, and when I reframed his actions with how they affected me, he did apologize, so it could be worse I guess. But it certainly didn’t help anything that once he realized that our marriage might have to end, he immediately freaked the hell out. 😕

[rens_sanctuary]

Lacking enough context, freaking out over a thing you spent a lot of time on and care about can be normal depending on how it’s done. I did that when I got divorced.