Incompatible needs, and further relationship trouble

[flamingsword]

So I sent Ghost an email that boiled down to a reasonably gentle “Could you please warn me next time you’re deciding big, life-changing things that will affect both of us?” And got told that, basically no. He will not, because he construes me pointing out the logical consequences of his actions as me “making him” not do the things he wants to do. Even though he has now largely been ignoring me for the last 3 days. Because that IS a thing he wants to do.

And I get that Ghost is not the same kind of autistic I am, he is closer to the hikikomori/“I don’t get lonely or need people”/permanent shut-in side of the smorgasbord of autistic traits. But he knows that I am not like that, so him telling me this morning (2.5 days after the fact) that he wants to be left alone by everyone including me does hurt. I pointed out that that means we have some incompatible needs, which he did not follow up on or follow to its logical conclusion.

And then him telling me this afternoon that he is going over to his friend’s house because it’s an emergency and the friend needs him … like, motherfucker, I need you, too - do you not see the existential threat to our relationship happening right now? That you are doing? I need you to stop ignoring me, and instead you’re going to go help your friend while our marriage falls apart bc it makes you feel inauthentic and beholden to other people bc you won’t do the work to unmask in any relationship including this one? Even though you’re the same way with this friend and have said so?! Make it make sense!

So I am having a bunch of feelings about it, and I’m going to list them out, bc I can’t do whole sentences yet without feeling like I’m going to cry the headache I already have into a dehydration migraine.
Mad, upset, sad, fearful, and disgusted:
1 shocked,
2 stressed,
3 overwhelmed,
4 unfocused,
5 rejected,
6 disappointed,
7 frustrated,
8 indignant,
9 powerless,
10 abandoned,
11 judgmental,
12 vulnerable.

Also a tiny smidge of relieved? Because if he torpedoes the whole marriage then at least I don’t have to keep doing all the relationship work myself.

Comments

[ex_flameandsong751]

Well, shit, that sucks ass.

[flamingsword]

Yeah, that’s about the size of it.

[dewline]

I'm sorry.

*leans on you a little bit*

[flamingsword]

Thanks. It’ll get better eventually, but right now is not so great. Luck to both of us tomorrow🍀.

[numb3r_5ev3n]

I'm so sorry this is happening. :(

[flamingsword]

Thanks. Me, too.

[sabethea]

Oh love. *hugs*

[flamingsword]

Thanks. It is getting better. I’ll post about it in a few minutes, but we’re going to try working it out.

[havocthecat]

I have words, but it's your marriage, so I'm not going to say those words.

But good luck.

[flamingsword]

I, too, think we are headed for divorce. I’m not giving up yet, but I can see it, so you can say it.

I’m not one to quit on someone just bc things are non-traumatically dire for a little while, so he has 40 days to get his head back on straight and start doing the work on himself and his communication skills that could repair our relationship. Our first big discussion was when I got home Saturday, and our second will be tonight. I should go add more questions to the lineup of things for us to talk about.

[havocthecat]

I mean. Okay this is what I was biting back: I find it telling when someone else becomes a priority over the spouse (or person they are in a relationship with)? Not necessarily family, that's different (with communication), but when a friend becomes priority over the spouse's needs and when it's something that critical and basic.

I have been in a similar situation with someone I have been in a relationship with and it was not great.

And I'm sorry. I am so, so sorry. That is super hard and I think you're responding to it in a really emotionally mature manner and it sucks that you have to go through this.

Good luck making things work out the best way possible for you both.