Parental apologies
Apr. 16th, 2024 12:53 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
flamingswordI saw a meme on failbook that said, “Never trust an adult who won’t apologize to a child.” And it’s been hanging around the back of my head the past week, so I guess I should write about it and get these thoughts out of my head.
When I was about 14 or 15, my mom apologized to me for the two times she had hit me and for “all the times she didn’t know how to be a good parent”. And I didn’t know enough at the time to hold her to account on anything or even to ask her about the emotionally abusive boyfriend of hers that we were living with then. I was so out of touch with my feelings that it didn’t occur to me to be angry, or that that would be the only time she ever apologized for the things I needed her to acknowledge.
I was so hopeful that Mom was going to start getting better at speaking up for me when her boyfriend or one of the family said something unfair, that the time she stood up for me to that pharmacy tech was going to be an ongoing trend. But it wasn’t. I think the depressive episode that followed my realization that it was not going to happen is pretty understandable, even if I did fail Algebra II and got in trouble for … basically being depressed and having insomnia that nobody acknowledged or got me medical treatment for.
So now I want apologies for all this stuff, because 30 years later I’m realizing that I am still angry about this stuff. That this anger is not going to go away until I do something with it. And I’m going to have to talk to my mom about it over the phone, bc she’s moving to North Carolina this week. As you can tell, my timing has always been great. 😅
I don’t know what I want to do with this. I know that I will talk to her about it, but will she even remember stuff that made her look bad in her own mind? She doesn’t apologize or correct herself when I remind her not to misgender me, so will she apologize for stuff that was way worse to my mental health due to her disregarding the uneven power dynamic between us?
I don’t know. But I’m going to find out soon, and if I still have all this anger, I will have to figure out something else to do about it. Good luck to all of us in our endeavors today, and may we all find closure when we need it.
When I was about 14 or 15, my mom apologized to me for the two times she had hit me and for “all the times she didn’t know how to be a good parent”. And I didn’t know enough at the time to hold her to account on anything or even to ask her about the emotionally abusive boyfriend of hers that we were living with then. I was so out of touch with my feelings that it didn’t occur to me to be angry, or that that would be the only time she ever apologized for the things I needed her to acknowledge.
I was so hopeful that Mom was going to start getting better at speaking up for me when her boyfriend or one of the family said something unfair, that the time she stood up for me to that pharmacy tech was going to be an ongoing trend. But it wasn’t. I think the depressive episode that followed my realization that it was not going to happen is pretty understandable, even if I did fail Algebra II and got in trouble for … basically being depressed and having insomnia that nobody acknowledged or got me medical treatment for.
So now I want apologies for all this stuff, because 30 years later I’m realizing that I am still angry about this stuff. That this anger is not going to go away until I do something with it. And I’m going to have to talk to my mom about it over the phone, bc she’s moving to North Carolina this week. As you can tell, my timing has always been great. 😅
I don’t know what I want to do with this. I know that I will talk to her about it, but will she even remember stuff that made her look bad in her own mind? She doesn’t apologize or correct herself when I remind her not to misgender me, so will she apologize for stuff that was way worse to my mental health due to her disregarding the uneven power dynamic between us?
I don’t know. But I’m going to find out soon, and if I still have all this anger, I will have to figure out something else to do about it. Good luck to all of us in our endeavors today, and may we all find closure when we need it.
no subject
Date: 2024-04-16 10:38 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2024-04-17 12:16 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2024-04-16 11:07 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2024-04-17 12:16 am (UTC)