hair, nonbinary identity, and co-opted culture

[flamingsword]

So the alpha version of this was a comment thread made somewhere else, that sounded really gender essentialist at the beginning. Which is a problem, and thank you again to the friend who pointed that out. So now I'm going to talk around this subject and see what I can get to fall out.

I want to have things that "belong" to enbies and other varieties of queer people. I want to know that the cultural things we invent, we can use to signal other like-minded folks without those things getting co-opted as the new fashion/trend and assumed to be part of binary culture, which often happens. Maybe not every single thing we invent, but surely a few things would not be too selfish. At the same time, that doesn't mean I want to have rigid gender norms for enbies (and binary ppl, either), and I realize telling people what they can and can't wear or do with their hair is at best problematic and at worst gender essentialist. It just sticks in my craw that 'phobes who want my queer ass to not exist will cheerfully use folx' cultural markers to be trendy and then turn right around and discriminate against us while wearing pieces of queer culture. It's irritating as shit, and I don't know what to do about it, which irritates me even more. Ugh.

Also, I think part of what draws some folks to those fringe/countercultural practices like hair, makeup, and clothing styles outside the norm is that we are reflexively identifying with being outside the norm, that we feel the pull even if we're not ready to claim a queer identity yet. So I get wanting there to be gray area for people to take baby steps into. Wanting a super-short pageboy hair cut was absolutely egg behaviour on my part, and I could not have explained at the time why I wanted it. That might also be weak evidence that someone is gravitating toward others of our kind. So I don't want people who still think they're cishetcetera to be like, banned from ever having an edgy haircut, and so forth.

I dunno. I want to have options that are outside of the Masc Dude/Femme Chic binary, that don't keep getting co-opted by the cishet binary identities. Like, one time I literally dyed my hair the bisexual pride flag colors, (icon related), and people just thought it was "pretty" and didn't put any kind of thought into why it was those colors in that configuration. *sighs forever* USian culture needs to start teaching people media literacy and it's applications to real life. We need to ask questions about where stuff came from and what it means. Sometimes a cigar is not just a cigar, etc.. When people pick a style, maybe we should start asking what it's going to mean to the people who invented it, or at least have some idea who those inventors actually were.

Anyway, if you have thoughts about this, or adjacent to this, I'd love to hear them.

Comments

[sabotabby]

I want to add to this discussion but you kind of said my thoughts.

[flamingsword]

Thanks. If you catch a brainwave, though, let me know.

[cora]

Wanting a super-short pageboy hair cut was absolutely egg behaviour on my part, and I could not have explained at the time why I wanted it.

I also think someone being asked about/called out for such a haircut would elicit the same response from an egg/baby queer as well as a gender essentialist. The blush/stammer or outright defensive behavior.

If we take such a reaction as a "good faith" sign, it would just be "good faith" to internally acknowledge back "ahhh...still figuring yourself out. You need to take a few more steps before being 'open.'"

We need to ask questions about where stuff came from and what it means. Sometimes a cigar is not just a cigar, etc.. When people pick a style, maybe we should start asking what it's going to mean to the people who invented it, or at least have some idea who those inventors actually were.

I think you may be onto something here. It may be time to bring Polari back as a way to say "I like your hair. Very bibi" (Bibi meaning "bisexual" in Polari) without completely coming out and saying it. If the other person isn't a community member "Oh, I was just saying I like your hair, very stylish."

I have heard the femme lesbians are having a similar struggle of their own. "We look straight...what kind of tell can we come up with to show other women that every homo was intended in that compliment?" (as opposed to the ever-toxic "no homo" 🙄 - sometimes a cigar can also just be a cigar)

[flamingsword]

Femme lesbians used to have stars or sparrows tattooed on their wrists and hands, it was a way to recognize each other. But then it became a trend and now there’s too much signal to noise ratio to trust that anymore. This is why I want there to be a way to get clear signals to and from my sibs from different cribs.

[minoanmiss]

It just sticks in my craw that 'phobes who want my queer ass to not exist will cheerfully use folx' cultural markers to be trendy and then turn right around and discriminate against us while wearing pieces of queer culture. It's irritating as shit, and I don't know what to do about it, which irritates me even more. Ugh.

I've been trying to figure out what to do about bigots doing this with Black culture and Jamaican culture, not least since I suspect some of the answers may be more broadly applicable. If I figure anything out I'll let you knwo. Also/most importantly, commiserations.

[flamingsword]

Thanks. I just wish there were ways to do cultural attribution and giving credit, like how on social media we try to make sure to share art with the name and link to the creator.

Maybe one day when we have widely available augmented reality, we can wear QR code buttons or something that links to our fashion attributions. I dunno, something.

We could stand, as a culture, to attribute things to their actual creators. Marginalized folks have been getting their contributions erased for a long freaking time, and I need it to stop.

[gingicat]

I have to admit that on the hair thing, I'm relieved that my enby child will not be singled out while visiting relatives in Florida.

[flamingsword]

That’s fair. I don’t know what to do about that other than recommend that kids and folks who are required to pass as a binary gender use one of the gray area, plausible deniability styles of dress and hair etc.. A lot of folks do already do that, and I think that’s part of why we have such an attribution problem causing the signal-to-noise ratio to be hopelessly noisy. In a more perfect world they would not have to do hide like that to stay safe, and that also aggravates me. Kids are being denied access to their culture and community because ‘phobes are afraid of something harmless that doesn’t materially affect them.

I do resent the world more than a little that your kid is made to hide themselves away from their kin to remain safe. That’s not healthy for anyone, and especially not for somebody who is told that their very being is wrong. I wish I knew what to do about that, too.

fistbumps of solidarity for you and kiddo