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flamingswordI have been reading relationship therapy stuff on the Gottman Institute site, and some of the things they talk about are basic therapy principles. Today I learned I am from an emotion dismissing home. It explains some stuff.
My background is, in part, getting in trouble for having feelings loudly or expressing emotions that were not allowed, like being angry at my mom or my aunt. That was an automatic get-in-trouble moment for me. I was a child, therefore not allowed to be angry at my caregivers. Mom and Aunt Rhoda grew up in a home that was way worse, so they didn't know you could just let your kids be sad or angry in a way that was still supportive and validating. They thought that their decisions were rational and that we should just accept that they were correct and not "talk back" or "be disrespectful" i.e. communicate and try to get them to justify/explain what was going on.
If someone was having a feeling it was on you to rescue them from feeling that way because feelings were always bad. I learned it was "manipulative" of me to have a loud feeling that required someone to keep me from feeling that way. They had no emotional skills for tolerating other people's unhappiness, and I learned that the way people feel is always about the person they are around, whose responsibility it is to fix it. Which later transferred onto me, and my being always made responsible for other people's feelings.
And now that I know where that comes from, it will be easier to reprogram my head.
My background is, in part, getting in trouble for having feelings loudly or expressing emotions that were not allowed, like being angry at my mom or my aunt. That was an automatic get-in-trouble moment for me. I was a child, therefore not allowed to be angry at my caregivers. Mom and Aunt Rhoda grew up in a home that was way worse, so they didn't know you could just let your kids be sad or angry in a way that was still supportive and validating. They thought that their decisions were rational and that we should just accept that they were correct and not "talk back" or "be disrespectful" i.e. communicate and try to get them to justify/explain what was going on.
If someone was having a feeling it was on you to rescue them from feeling that way because feelings were always bad. I learned it was "manipulative" of me to have a loud feeling that required someone to keep me from feeling that way. They had no emotional skills for tolerating other people's unhappiness, and I learned that the way people feel is always about the person they are around, whose responsibility it is to fix it. Which later transferred onto me, and my being always made responsible for other people's feelings.
And now that I know where that comes from, it will be easier to reprogram my head.
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