Gabapentin and Gratitude
Feb. 12th, 2016 12:04 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
flamingswordI took my first Gabapentin last night, and due to my chemical sensitivity it apparently started working within hours. And during the sudden release from worry and awfulness that the last few days have been I had the thought: "Is this what being neurotypical is like?"
Normally I feel like I have to have make things a very specific way to be able to relax. All of the necessities have to be taken care of and all of the difficult-to-deal-with things that could happen have to be planned ahead for before I can let myself stop overthinking and just enjoy stuff. Not having to be on guard like that last night was awesome. Not having a sparking cattle prod in my head every time I didn’t know something, although I was still curious, was so much less irritating, and I had never realized how irritating that was until it was gone. Not having that “everything is hard” feeling for every action you even think about was so much less fraught that I may have cried a small amount in relief and gratitude. I was overwhelmed at how much this could potentially change my experience of my life.
Last night I felt like everything was going to be okay, and I'd never had that feeling without working incredibly hard for it. This morning I still feel like things aren't as perilous, and I am still more relaxed than the last few days. I slept well, and I am hopeful about what it's going to be like when I am fully adjusted to the meds. Gabapentin has a low side effect profile, so I'll probably be able to stay on it. I think I can maybe handle my life if I don't always have to feel the crushing weight.
I kind of want to start distributing this stuff to everyone I know? If it worked like this for even one of my friends I would be overjoyed. I want to share this with everyone whose lives are shaped like mine. I thought my anxiety had gotten better, but really I guess the answer was partly that it had gotten better and partly that my ability to manage it had gotten better. Because you don't realize what the water you're in is like until you're in the air. There's nothing to contrast it to.
Normally I feel like I have to have make things a very specific way to be able to relax. All of the necessities have to be taken care of and all of the difficult-to-deal-with things that could happen have to be planned ahead for before I can let myself stop overthinking and just enjoy stuff. Not having to be on guard like that last night was awesome. Not having a sparking cattle prod in my head every time I didn’t know something, although I was still curious, was so much less irritating, and I had never realized how irritating that was until it was gone. Not having that “everything is hard” feeling for every action you even think about was so much less fraught that I may have cried a small amount in relief and gratitude. I was overwhelmed at how much this could potentially change my experience of my life.
Last night I felt like everything was going to be okay, and I'd never had that feeling without working incredibly hard for it. This morning I still feel like things aren't as perilous, and I am still more relaxed than the last few days. I slept well, and I am hopeful about what it's going to be like when I am fully adjusted to the meds. Gabapentin has a low side effect profile, so I'll probably be able to stay on it. I think I can maybe handle my life if I don't always have to feel the crushing weight.
I kind of want to start distributing this stuff to everyone I know? If it worked like this for even one of my friends I would be overjoyed. I want to share this with everyone whose lives are shaped like mine. I thought my anxiety had gotten better, but really I guess the answer was partly that it had gotten better and partly that my ability to manage it had gotten better. Because you don't realize what the water you're in is like until you're in the air. There's nothing to contrast it to.