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Embarrasment Squick
Jan. 9th, 2012 02:31 amGhost and I had a conversation about TV shows that hit my embarrassment squick and why, and I came to some realizations trying to explain it to him. I can watch Community with no problems, only have passing blushes for Coupling, Big Bang Theory with some serious squirming, can no longer watch It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia, and can't do even the first episode of Parks and Recreation without feeling like I am going to die of squicky shame.
And here's why: when other characters accept and deal with a socially inept character's quirks and faux pas it reminds me of how my life is now (post-social anxiety) and when they look at the inept character like they're crazy, ostracize or berate the character with no understanding or acceptance, it reminds me of having social anxieties based out of wanting so desperately to not be terrible at relating and connecting to people. ( And failing. )
I think that's why almost all Aspie females have social anxiety issues. We grow up with this expectation for us to be able to get along, and we're taught to judge ourselves and accept negative judgments from others based on that Procrustean metric. We're not socially inept, we're rude bitches; we're not disabled, there's something wrong with us. If we can't do it right even when we're trying so hard then we must only have the power to hurt, and should never try to have friends. It warps the way we see ourselves until we have a crippled sense of our own agency. That's what an embarrassment squick is for me. My feelings of powerlessness are still there even if I'm not that person anymore.
And here's why: when other characters accept and deal with a socially inept character's quirks and faux pas it reminds me of how my life is now (post-social anxiety) and when they look at the inept character like they're crazy, ostracize or berate the character with no understanding or acceptance, it reminds me of having social anxieties based out of wanting so desperately to not be terrible at relating and connecting to people. ( And failing. )
I think that's why almost all Aspie females have social anxiety issues. We grow up with this expectation for us to be able to get along, and we're taught to judge ourselves and accept negative judgments from others based on that Procrustean metric. We're not socially inept, we're rude bitches; we're not disabled, there's something wrong with us. If we can't do it right even when we're trying so hard then we must only have the power to hurt, and should never try to have friends. It warps the way we see ourselves until we have a crippled sense of our own agency. That's what an embarrassment squick is for me. My feelings of powerlessness are still there even if I'm not that person anymore.