on the topic of emotional abuse

[flamingsword]

While I have issues (and tend to talk about them, often at length), I know that you have issues, too. Just because I don't point them out and say, "ooh, where did you get that shiny warped perspective?! you are so beautifully broken!!" does not mean that I don't see you. I see you; I see us.

If you wonder why I consider you family when we have never met and have no visible thing in common, this is why.

I don't blame my mom for the rare but unkind things she said about me during fights when she was fucked up in the head after Larry died. She wasn't entirely wrong, I didn't have any sense at the time, and while I wasn't stupid I didn't actually care whether I lived or died. I'm not saying it was okay, I'm just saying that I was not blameless those times. I do blame my step-dad for yelling at me not to cry. I don't care whether he was affected by the gas. Larry wasn't that close to him; he hadn't lost much. He gets no passes to have been that much of a doucheface. I am utterly disinterested in forgiving him.

Dad never really said anything mean to me that I remember, but he never said much to me at all. Sometimes that's all it takes to feel unloved, or conditionally loved, or hapahazardly once-in-a-while loved when it's not even anything to do with you. I wonder how fucked up it is that I was comforted that I knew my father's apathy toward me was nothing personal before I knew the word apathy. And I've been reading at the collegiate level since I was eight, so ... good work, Dad.

That's why I know self-hatred. I recognize it in every face, but in some the recognition is a little more personal. You don't have anything to explain to me. An unexpected silence, an odd metaphor, a particular bit of self-deprecating humor sold me your secrets a long time ago. But here we are - still here, still us. We took where we each came from and made something else out of it, parents who resented us, or ignored us, or mocked us, or hated the freaks they didn't know we were. We love our parents better than they deserve, most of us. But we are brothers and sisters here, better than I ever knew to wish for when I needed you all so desperately.

Sometimes I am SO FUCKING GRATEFUL for you, any of you, for the most pointless or complaining or fannish or completely deleted ableist metaphor post, just because I need you to continue to exist, AND YOU DO. Because I need you, and you THERE YOU ARE. Sometimes I read things like that article, and it reminds me to say so: so this is me, saying so, willing to be vulnerable in front of you, and tell you how I need you, have needed you for most of my life, how lonely I was when I didn't have you there where I knew I wasn't alone in trying to deal with the horrible shit life usually was by trying to make it the other things it could be.

You don't have to make the world perpetually wonderful. You don't have to say things beautiful or deep or wise to make my day less terrible. Really, all you have say is 'hi'. Because as long as I can see you I have faith in humanity, and even if I don't exactly have hope, I have something that says that the world doesn't have to be any better than it is. I have you.

Thank you.

Comments

[elucreh.livejournal.com]

Hell yeah.

Hi.

I need you and love you, too.

[rens-sanctuary.livejournal.com]

Because as long as I can see you I have faith in humanity, and even if I don't exactly have hope, I have something that says that the world doesn't have to be any better than it is. I have you."

That's beautiful! Will you marry me? Er, wait...nevermind. :D

Seriously, you're welcome! It's a relief not to have to FIND WORDS to go with the odd rare feeling I have that has no words. I don't have to, because you GET that. I love you and need you too. :) :D

[maeritrae.livejournal.com]

Hi. ♥

[zenguin.livejournal.com]

I always enjoy your posts, regardless of the level of profound-i-tude... though most of 'em rank pretty highly.

:)

Wren

Schweitzer says it for me

[lord-of-entropy.livejournal.com]

"At times our own light goes out and is rekindled by a spark from another person. Each of us has cause to think with deep gratitude of those who have lighted the flame within us."

Hi.

[azuzil.livejournal.com]

I love ya :)

[sushi-slave.livejournal.com]

So, completely off topic, which I DO want to talk about, but first... I know you have Tickets for yourself and me, but just wanted to make sure that you'd gottn marni's as well.
Hugs and kisses

Call me ;)

[jslorentz.livejournal.com]

I'm so far behind on LJ it's ridiculous, but I'm so glad I went back to read your posts. I always am. [hugs!] Hope to see you and D this Friday (if I'm well by then).