(no subject)

[flamingsword]

Days after the news of brain tumors, Rhoda's liver is failing. She could die tomorrow, or in a few days. Mom and I are driving down in the morning. I'll have the laptop with me, but patchy internet access at best.

I'm not letting myself go into the lack of affect thing. I'm going to feel my feelings, because I can. I am strong enough to hurt, to grieve for my aunt and still get all this done. I'm not letting myself break down and cry, yet, either, but I can do that after everything is packed.

Comments

[maeritrae.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry. *hugs*

I think you're doing the right thing as far as feeling things goes. It's important, and it helps.

If you need to talk to someone, you can drop me an e-mail if you like.

[flamingsword.livejournal.com]

I'm kind of talking out my thoughts on here, since the hospital has wifi. I was surprised by that. This hospital is nicer than any of the ones I've been to in Texas. It has windows that open, you don't pay to park, the nurses are actually helpful: it is like an out-of-character AU of a hospital.

I may email you. You're on gmail, yes?

[maeritrae.livejournal.com]

Oh, yes, that would have been something helpful to give you. maeritrae at gmail, yup. :)

That's good, at least. A nice hospital really helps at times like this.

[elucreh.livejournal.com]

*LOVE*

I'm here if there's anything I can do.

*love also*

[flamingsword.livejournal.com]

You being here IS what you do. Your existence is a comfort all on it's own.

[rens-sanctuary.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry. Grief is messy and it hurts a lot. I'm thinking about you and want you to know you have a chit (a favor that I can do for you) for you to call in any time you like.

[flamingsword.livejournal.com]

You're halfway between here and Hannibal. I kind of want to drive out and see you anyway. :(

Am I allowed to be selfish yet?

[rens-sanctuary.livejournal.com]

Yes! What time today were you thinking of visting? If it's today, I have to leave for work at 2 30pm. :(

[flamingsword.livejournal.com]

I'm not allowed to be selfish yet, actually. We're in Mom's car, and we have to be at the hospital until a deaf friend of the family gets here. And no one knows when that will be.

What's your schedule like later this week?

[rens-sanctuary.livejournal.com]

Work today and tomorrow (5-13 and 5-14) 3-11p
Work Friday 3-9p
Work Sat and Sunday 8a-3p.

Hopefully we can meet up soon! :)

[rens-sanctuary.livejournal.com]

yay for meeting! Sorry my town was dull. :( i enjoyed the company and my headspace has much thinky to process. :)

[flamingsword.livejournal.com]

Yay for meeting! Your town met my expectations, that is neither good or bad. It is what it is: a small town. Don't be ashamed of where you come from, or project your fear of disapproval onto me. I can barely summon enough power to care if someone is making critical errors in fashion, much less be arsed to judge the relative worth of locations.

Fried food and lake contemplation! Big rambling house full of mess and memories! Fuck-off giant tree! It was a good time spent in good company.

[rens-sanctuary.livejournal.com]

Yes it was much fun! i'm not ashamed, I'm proud. Even of the "boys" comment, really. It has it's own charm and ways about things. A++ would friend again!

Glad you're back safe. :)

PS: gave copperbadge comment flowers as thanks. He was glad the "meatspace" meet went well. :)

[lifeblender.livejournal.com]

*hugs* I'll try to be there for you in the continual march of pain that seems to be the present.

[flamingsword.livejournal.com]

*hugs back* Some of it is pain; some of it is aggravation. More of it is that people are wandering around caught up in their heads saying things that hurt other people and I just want to say things that would snap them out of it and remind them that consideration is important, but that would cause drama. Rhoda would want this to be as smooth and quiet as possible, and to save drama for the wake.

And I need to try to remember a story for her wake that isn't really dirty or shocking to the cousins, but . . . it's Rhoda. She's where I got my sense of humor, and my tendency to be as loud as I feel like. She's basically my dad. I'm gonna get messy about this, but not 'til it's over. Mom and I both deal with big emotional stuff by dealing with the crisis parts first and having the freakout later. It's useful, but one of these days I'm going to get around to asking a mental health professional if it's a healthy emotional behavior. :T

Thank you for being here.

[franceschina.livejournal.com]

I don't know if it's healthy, but it's certainly well within the parameters of normal behaviour. Do what you gotta' do, and then when you're back home with your friends... er, do what you gotta' do then.

After all, when zombies attack, at least one person has to hold it together well enough to wield a chainsaw. Which reminds me - there may be some constructive chainsaw therapy waiting for you when you get back; we'll see.

[flamingsword.livejournal.com]

CHAINSAW THERAPY: FUCK YEAH.

I am strongly in favor of helpfully destroying shit. THANK YOU. Even the offer is easing some of the shoulder tension.

[sushi-slave.livejournal.com]

I am so sorry hon. All my love and well wishes go with you.

[flamingsword.livejournal.com]

*gloms onto you*
I was going to get to see you guys this weekend, and now I'm probably going to be up here.

[rant] I want crazy people I LIKE to be my family, and I don't get to be a big emo woobie and scream about how it's not fair because this isn't about me, and apparently I'm the only one here who saw this coming and half the family are emotionally unprepared for how fast she's going downhill. [/rant]

Seriously, I'm getting together a ritual and FIXING THIS YEAR.

[sushi-slave.livejournal.com]

Amen to that sister

[bardkris.livejournal.com]

This has been one of the worst years I can remember... which sucks because I had so much hope for it.

I've been kind of silently watching, because I worry any condolences I offer will be hollow as I haven't known you well or long. Still, it will be ok. It's ok to be selfish, and to know that you're the only one who saw things coming.

And if you get together a ritual, let me send you something to help so I can be involved, even if I can't be there... please.

Hope things get better soon.

[redhead69.livejournal.com]

if i could be a mokey on your back and make you smile every time you cry i would. sorry for your pain

[flamingsword.livejournal.com]

But if you were a monkey I'd want you to screech and fling poo, and you might not like that. :T Thanks.

[marilla82.livejournal.com]

Grief is never easy and almost always messy. Please, let us know if there's anything we can do to ease this time for you.

[flamingsword.livejournal.com]

Even this much helps. My family are kind of insane, and knowing that there are people out there dealing with problems rationally is it's own comfort.