(no subject)

[flamingsword]

You know how sometimes I have feelings and I don't know what they are, so it just bothers me continuously 'til I figure it out? Today I figured out why I can't just let the whole thing go and be calm about the family member of mine who's sick. For privacy's sake we'll call her A.

A had a life-threatening illness a few years ago, due to her health choices and some genetic predispositions. She had surgery and has been taking medication since then. Because of the job she had and the really good insurance, she pulled through financially with a minimum of debt. Afterwards she left that job and (unknown to the family) got different insurance with less coverage, despite her knowledge of the probability of a relapse.

The other job she got was supposed to lower her stress, but didn't. She did not leave it to find a job that was actually less stressful. She didn't stop smoking or start eating any better. She didn't start an exercise regimen, or a program to meditate and release stress through consciousness. She kept living as though the pills would fix everything and keep her safe forever despite warnings by her doctors and her family that they were no guarantee.

And now she is ill again, having failed to learn any lesson from the first time. And it's worse than it was. And while there is hope, there is also a much greater chance that she will die.

---

She did not choose her illness, but having once beaten her illness she chose to ignore it and not continue to beat it. And I'm angry at her for that. I feel like a jerk for being upset with someone who may be dying. I also feel upset with A that she chose to not take any sort of preventive maintenance to ensure that the people who love her don't have to endure the slow torture of watching her struggle with something that will weaken her, take from her what health and wealth she has, and feed her despair. Are we supposed to not care that she's created a situation to punish herself? Are we supposed to prove our love for her by bailing her out and propping her up again? Will she believe that we love her and stop punishing herself, and thus punishing us for loving her?

I feel enraged that I cannot choose not to care, cannot NOT watch or help, even though there's no guarantee that I'm not pouring love and effort and energy down a bottomless well of self-resentment and neglect.

I'm not used to emo anymore. But maybe now that I've got a handle on where my emotions are going, I can chill out.

Also: I have a massive headache, so now that I've told you guys the news I'm gonna go read and eat cookies in bed, where nothing bad ever happens.

Comments

[dyingfire.livejournal.com]

You know it sucks for A. A serious health condition beaten once and, due to her own choices, has reappeared. I think the key phrase is, her own choices; you can only do so much and at certain point you have to let it go and let the Universe take it own. Not that I wouldn't be all emo and angry, and, know, pissed at her poor choices, b/c I totally would be. However, this is about YOU and you need to look after flamingsword. Yes, I am aware of your name and do refer to you by it interchangeably with your username.

Best of luck!

[elucreh.livejournal.com]

*sends love*

[th0rshammer.livejournal.com]

Yeah, sometimes we want the indulgences that make us seem to feel better in the short term, even if they kill us in the long term.

Having very recently lost an uncle to a lifetime of severe alcoholism and cigarettes, I can relate to the frustration. I was angry with him during the last few years, as his habits had disabled him to the point where he couldn't live on his own.

When he died, I was damned grateful that I had the forethought to treat him well despite my annoyance with his choices.

[flamingsword.livejournal.com]

Annoyance I can recognize pretty easily. This is rage, and betrayal. Knowing that we were worried sick the last time, and knowing how she worried about Aunt Gerry when it happened to her, she still chose the possibility of inflicting that on all of us again over giving up a few creature comforts. Healthy people aren't in pain all the time, and some investment in that lack of pain could be considered a comfort of its own. But she has other lifestyle habits that create negative self-reinforcement, and it makes me sick that she can hate herself that much.

And because we're on her side, but she's NOT on her side, we're against her. So we're the enemy, along with her own body.

[th0rshammer.livejournal.com]

I see and understand.

[raasalhayya.livejournal.com]

Your feelings of rage and betrayal are well-justified. Too bad you can't just give her a belt to the chops to relieve your frustrations. :(

I'm really sorry that you and your family are being made to go through this...again. *hugs*