hanging my tomorrows on the bones of yesterday

I am not Michael Jackson. I must try to remember this next time I try to do that 'standing en pointe with bent knees' move, because this time I rolled a 1 on the balance check and I'm currently oozing blood from my knee. Sometimes it doesn't matter how gently you take off the bandage, you're going to take some skin with you.

It doesn't hurt much, it's just gross and an embarrassing reminder of dancefloor failure. Days like today I'm glad I have no shame or dignity to get in the way of pulling crazy stunts like that multiple times. Yay for childlike unconcern and good times at clubs.

Also: never order a White Russian at Panoptikon. Doug got me one as a primitive painkiller after the fall, and the bartender's habit of mixing the drinks super strong doesn't do so well on cream-based drinks. When the alcohol content is too high, the fat dissolves completely and there's nothing to keep the protein in suspension; it starts separating out into gummy milk-flavored strands. Eww.

I may be addicted to making band demotivators. Help, help?

And there's another icon post coming soon, JSYK. ( Hidden to save your bandwidth. )

So I've made my outfit for the steampunk event Kinetoscope at Panoptikon, and the detail work is drying as I type. What to do for Xenoix's outfit, though? Hmm.

I miss working at LoneStar Comics. Being the girl who could tell you how to fix your green/black deck got points for rarity value, but being a cute girl who could talk to the fanboys in their own language until they looked at me like I was an alien? That just pushed all sorts of happy little buttons for me. Belonging and inclusion are wonderful things, and we freaks don't get enough. I hoped at the time that I was doing some good in the world, but wasn't sure that gender norms and social resistance among geeks could be broken down.

I saw one of my old customers this winter, waved at him from across the crowded restaurant, and he was still weirded out to see me. I wandered over before I left, asked him how his life and hobbies were going, and he actually smiled and said that the guy across from him was part of his gaming group. When I knew him, this particular dude wasn't well known for smiling; I thought he might have something in the autism spectrum. Maybe he was just unhappy all the time, though; it happens. But he remembered me fondly years later, and that's just gratifying. And maybe I did help some of my customers connect to a wider world. I wish I knew for sure. :T

Most of the geeking I do now is for reframing people's paradigms (social hacking is FTW), but I wasn't always this way. I used to be alternately withdrawn and hyperactively friendly. I was a total spaz who lived in stories about heroes, gods, and aliens because I couldn't relate to normal people. I've been feeling uncomfortably mainstream lately, despite the lack of television, and I miss the fringe kids. I miss the loser I used to be.

So the shelf and a half of graphic novels isn't going anywhere, and has started expanding again. I've been thinking maybe it's time I got back to my roots.

So, got any recs?

I've been thinking that we give people gifts for specific reasons, not things we think they need, but that support an aspect of them that we feel drawn to support. At some point today, I decided that I was going to do New Years resolutions based in what I got for Yule in an effort to be more like the me you think I can be. We'll see how well this works, as the experimental data will all be available to me.

Starbucks gift card. Coffee-scented candle: Though distant, I am loved, addictions and all. This year I resolve to be more understanding, more accepting of the wisdom that comes from these small unhealthy comforts.

Silk Harem Pants, purple. Beaded sweater, mauve. Bracelets, copper and bronze: I am beautiful to my mother. My body is a reflection of her own youth. I resolve to take better care of myself, to honor the beauty that we both have worn.

Singing bowl: Douglas favors my spiritual practice with a meditation tool. I'm learning to make it chime and seeing how much of my attention I can put into the harmonics. Every day this year I resolve to do something: meditating, energywork, breathwork, or Singing.

Signed XKCD print: Ghost supports my offbeat humor, and I resolve to share more of that with the world this year.

Shortbus (IMDB page): I am a sexual being, full of relationships and feelings. I resolve to acknowledge those feelings more this year. I resolve to consider myself, to consult my emotions in making decisions, and to share these conclusions with the people they pertain to. And with you guys. You get to hear about everything, eventually. ;)

iTunes gift cards, 2. iPod, apple green: Multiple people encourage me to listen. This year I resolve to be more receptive, to talk less and communicate more.


Where the Wild Things Are card: I am loved, and I will continue to keep letting myself be loved, to keep reaching out for hands to hold, to still my impulse to push those hands away. This year and every year I resolve to be the person I never thought it possible for me to be. Thank you for seeing things in me that are invisible from inside. Thank you.