aposematic (part II)

[flamingsword]

I need a double black diamond t-shirt. Because I am really a trial to your people skills. I should be aposematic. I use a lot of different forms of communication, and a lot of different ways of relating, to try to make sure that there's some stereotype you can fit me into so that you don't feel lost just looking at me. It mostly works. I try to make myself more easy to socialize with because I'm difficult to understand. Especially to myself. I try to make it worthwhile to be around me in exchange for the time and effort it's going to take for someone to figure me out.

The more transparent I try to be, the clearer I send out whatever message I'm going for that day, the more opaque I appear to a lot of people. Because they can't get a handle on why any rational being would want to be the way I am (understandable), they choose to believe I must have hidden motives. So they think there's a plan, hidden in the mists of my changing faces, and maybe they're right. But the plan is simple: wake up every day, have a bit of fun, do a bit of work, and get some sleep for the next day, for as many days as I can stack onto this pile. And the changing faces aren't meant to be confusing, they're thrown out there so that you have a lot of options available to relate to me, so you can find a comfortable one. I try to be the Swiss Army Friend. That doesn't work so well, but I'm getting incrementally better at it, and I expect some sort of breakthrough of my understanding within the year. Wish me luck.

I recently figured out that there's someone I'm attracted to. And you read that sentence right. I do get to figure these things out (the fun and joy of being me) 'cause it's not apparent to me when I have a feeling what that feeling is. I just sort of ramble on and observe myself walking through my life and go, "hey, I've had this comfortably uncomfortable feeling before!" And I look for the context of whatever was going on and what that feeling turned out to be, and in this case it's a sort of attraction. I'm not so much with the mad proficiency on attraction, but for now I'm dubbing this an awkward tenderness of feeling, rather than anything based more heavily in lust. Lust I recognize more easily, and I'd have been faster on the uptake for that. But, hey: progress is being made. Every turn of the wheel I get better at this and if I live long enough I may one day become wise.

It could happen.

Comments

Well.....

[nyyki.livejournal.com]

You're not enigmatic to me. But then again, I see no reason to try to figure you out. I just accept you as you are, and let things roll. There's no reason to try to always decode someone, because that takes all the fun and newness out of the relationship, like a toy that you've played with in such a manner that it has no surprises any more. I'd much rather be surprised from time to time by new things and have the joy of continuously finding new things out about a friend instead of mapping the entire friend like Zebulon Pike exploring Colorado.

And even though right now I'm in one of those black pits of dispair, I still do really value you as a friend. I don't say that enough to the people I deeply care about, and that is a failing of mine, (one of oh so many) that I hope to be better about in time.

[ancestral-tone.livejournal.com]

Swiss Army friend sounds so perfect though... I just like the way that rolls off the tongue. It's like being McGuyver or something.

One day you'll become wise? Nah... I have observed your wisdom before ; )

awwwww you'll write about liking someone but won't post the juicy details?!?! (Actually, I don't really blame you, just poking!)

[gonner221.livejournal.com]

You aren't the only one that takes their time figuring out that they're attracted to someone. It took me almost two years to figure that out about Alex. And it took her leaving for england for a summer to realize that it was more than just missing her as a friend. Sometimes events trigger feelings, for no real reason that we can see.