Feelings from the last day or so

[flamingsword]

So the headaches have been getting worse. Apparently. In the about a month that I’ve been off my -gepant series migraine prevention med, I have had two migraines, which is what the frequency was before. Which is not great. Plus I had painsomnia last night despite being so freaking tired and cranky. Ugh. In other news I am Oscar the Grouch this morning, sending electronic missives from my garbage can. Hi.

So! Feelings:
Fears:
• what if I go back to school and can’t keep up now that my disability stuff is more prominent and spoons are much lower?
• what do I do about the trans Texas friends who are in danger? • is there even a way to get Mom to gender me correctly? Kinda afraid this is just how it’s going to be.

Bad:
• I’ve still only managed to call my congresscritters a couple times. 😔 Disappointed in myself.
• All of my feelings are loud, jangling, discordant. Insomnia messes with my executive functioning and sometimes makes me less able to navigate and strategically suppress feelings. Right now my options are “feel everything” or “turn everything off”. So I’m just going to try to feel my feelings, even though so many of them are bad.
• Bodies. Why.

Sad:
• We only want a more just world to live in, one where people are not coerced and abused. But some folks don’t have injustice sensitivity or empathy so we get to live under fascism, and that’s sad and fucked up. A better world would not be so hard to live in for the people who want to be The Specialest Snowflake as it is for some of my friends to live now, and yet it’s still too big an ask for their greed to allow them to let go of the levers of power they know they should not be allowed to touch.
• I am far from my people, and some of them need help that I can no longer give. That is also a big sad for me.

Mad:
• We have started shipping migrants to concentration camps like Guantanamo, and we are building a new one in the Panamanian jungle. I am livid.
• Trump is still breathing. I wish all fascists and collaborators a very happy die in their sleep.
• Was reminded yesterday that yet another member of my family had cancer, bringing the total to six people across about twenty three people iirc. That’s … really high. I have an appointment with a geneticist, but like … 🤬. Angry with myself that I forgot.
• *gestures vaguely at everything*

Happy
• I have some schadenfreude about Ghost catching a clue that things could have been way worse for our breakup.
• I have tea and stuffed animals and don’t have to go out in the freezing weather.
• Exercise is going okay and my legs and knees have adjusted to living upstairs.
And finally:
• I love and am loved by so many good people who help restore my faith in humanity. 🫂💜🫂

It may not be much consolation considering the ongoing global meltdown, but I’m hanging onto y’all with my fingernails. We’re going to live through this. We’re going to survive out of spite, and joy, and resistance.

Comments

Your Arms Aren't Long Enough

[nyyki]

The very simple reality is that you chose to leave, so that single act distanced you from people you care about while they're in tough situations. Worrying about us left behind is not healthy for you. We have to deal with the situations we're in here pretty much without you, because you left the field, so other than emotional support there's not much you can do. Worrying about us does negative things to you and does nothing to help the situation back here. I completely get why you bailed, and at least some of the factors involved in that decision. Your compassion is laudable only to the extent that it doesn't harm you to give it, and you have people, current writer of this included, who don't want you harmed by our situations.

I'll stop here, because going farther into it will take things to a much deeper place.

[lokifan]

<3 I'm sorry, I know it really sucks not to be able to help the people you want to. But I'm really glad you got out and I hope you're able to get some sleep!

[ngtskynebula]

I'm deeply sorry you're going through so much hurt. I live in Brasil, and we're having plenty of political turmoil, over here, too, so I can imagine how's it going for y'all. I wish you'd all be safe! :(

I know there's nothing completely unique about nowadays' bourgeoisie's malice and hatred, and I also know humans will find a way to survive this (though I am afraid of how many will be sacrificed in the meantime), so, much like our ancestors, I've "given up" on crying over what my generation has been robbed and won't access and I've been holding on the idea I must do what I can for those who'll come after me. It's been hard, it infuriates me and it's beyond unfair, but... yeah.

We gotta keep going, for us, now, and for the memory of those before and after us. I agree with you. We'll live through this, and we'll come out victorious! Even if those who'll experience the victory don't majorly include us!