Wanting vs longing
Sep. 16th, 2024 09:17 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
flamingswordSo the book that I am still trying to read despite life being exceedingly distracting, is Prentis Hemphill’s What It Takes To Heal, and in it they talk about longing, about how what we yearn for at the deeper levels of the self is different from what we want in more superficial ways. And since I’m getting better at recognizing things that I want (a cup of decaf, to pet a cat, to have a conversation), now it’s time for me to recover my knowledge of the deep desires that move me through life, to see if I am meeting these needs or aligning my actions with them, or doing what might lead me there.
Motivating me I have:
• I deeply yearn for a world where to be weird is not seen as a moral failing, where it is praised just as often as conformity; Infinite Diversity in Infinite Combinations
• I desire to be loved for who I actually am, which requires me to be seen and known, which requires enough bravery to be vulnerable sharing those truths
• I yearn for justice in the world, for powers that be that do not coerce the vulnerable
• I long to be a version of me that knows how to navigate complex feelings and situations and has the energy and bandwidth to do so, for wisdom in my dealings with myself and everyone else
• I so desperately want to feel ease instead of anxiety thinking about myself, other people, and the world
I need to start complimenting people more on what is weird about them, and validating people who are trying to pass as normal that they can be offbeat and be appreciated. That that’s a possibility.
It may not feel great right now to have been so vulnerable with Ghost, but my other relationships are doing great with my trying to see people and be seen by them. I am loved and validated as much as I need, mostly.
In re: justice - I don’t know what to do about that. I used to think I did, but now I have to admit that a lot of the agitating I have done towards social and economic fairness seems largely useless. *gestures vaguely at everything* I think I may have to pursue this more once I attain more wisdom.
I am doing okay on my timeline of pursuing wisdom, I think? I should get to a place that can be judged as situationally appropriate right actions in about 15 years? And 60ish isn’t such a bad age to attain wisdom. I am starting to get curious instead of listening to my biases about political stuff, for instance, in that I am capable of tolerating people who don’t realize how much ill they are doing me for 90 minutes at a time. Someday I would like to have the kind of contagious empathy that spreads into the world like ink into water. Once I have that, I should know what to do to foment a more just world.
I don’t know that the last thing is possible, given my brain and its properties. Anxiety is not a situationally appropriate response to most of the things my brain latches onto to overthink. But one can hope that since I give fewer and fewer fucks every year, I’ll get there eventually.
Motivating me I have:
• I deeply yearn for a world where to be weird is not seen as a moral failing, where it is praised just as often as conformity; Infinite Diversity in Infinite Combinations
• I desire to be loved for who I actually am, which requires me to be seen and known, which requires enough bravery to be vulnerable sharing those truths
• I yearn for justice in the world, for powers that be that do not coerce the vulnerable
• I long to be a version of me that knows how to navigate complex feelings and situations and has the energy and bandwidth to do so, for wisdom in my dealings with myself and everyone else
• I so desperately want to feel ease instead of anxiety thinking about myself, other people, and the world
I need to start complimenting people more on what is weird about them, and validating people who are trying to pass as normal that they can be offbeat and be appreciated. That that’s a possibility.
It may not feel great right now to have been so vulnerable with Ghost, but my other relationships are doing great with my trying to see people and be seen by them. I am loved and validated as much as I need, mostly.
In re: justice - I don’t know what to do about that. I used to think I did, but now I have to admit that a lot of the agitating I have done towards social and economic fairness seems largely useless. *gestures vaguely at everything* I think I may have to pursue this more once I attain more wisdom.
I am doing okay on my timeline of pursuing wisdom, I think? I should get to a place that can be judged as situationally appropriate right actions in about 15 years? And 60ish isn’t such a bad age to attain wisdom. I am starting to get curious instead of listening to my biases about political stuff, for instance, in that I am capable of tolerating people who don’t realize how much ill they are doing me for 90 minutes at a time. Someday I would like to have the kind of contagious empathy that spreads into the world like ink into water. Once I have that, I should know what to do to foment a more just world.
I don’t know that the last thing is possible, given my brain and its properties. Anxiety is not a situationally appropriate response to most of the things my brain latches onto to overthink. But one can hope that since I give fewer and fewer fucks every year, I’ll get there eventually.
Re: All types
Date: 2024-09-26 03:13 am (UTC)Description is a reductive process.
Re: All types
Date: 2024-09-26 03:16 am (UTC)Re: All types
Date: 2024-09-26 03:50 am (UTC)I feel like they're not getting the whole picture for some reason or other. I am far more than my description.
And I don't think of choosing traits that I do or don't accent is problematic, it's a fundamental part of connecting with others -- nobody is exactly like me, so there's no value in trying to share things they won't understand. It's selection and interaction, not diminution. I'm also no longer enamored with the viewpoint that someone should want to know me whole; I don't know that's possible, so knowing what to keep private and what to share was a hard lesson, but also an important one. This is key to facilitating communication in others.