Wanting vs longing

[flamingsword]

So the book that I am still trying to read despite life being exceedingly distracting, is Prentis Hemphill’s What It Takes To Heal, and in it they talk about longing, about how what we yearn for at the deeper levels of the self is different from what we want in more superficial ways. And since I’m getting better at recognizing things that I want (a cup of decaf, to pet a cat, to have a conversation), now it’s time for me to recover my knowledge of the deep desires that move me through life, to see if I am meeting these needs or aligning my actions with them, or doing what might lead me there.

Motivating me I have:
• I deeply yearn for a world where to be weird is not seen as a moral failing, where it is praised just as often as conformity; Infinite Diversity in Infinite Combinations
• I desire to be loved for who I actually am, which requires me to be seen and known, which requires enough bravery to be vulnerable sharing those truths
• I yearn for justice in the world, for powers that be that do not coerce the vulnerable
• I long to be a version of me that knows how to navigate complex feelings and situations and has the energy and bandwidth to do so, for wisdom in my dealings with myself and everyone else
• I so desperately want to feel ease instead of anxiety thinking about myself, other people, and the world

I need to start complimenting people more on what is weird about them, and validating people who are trying to pass as normal that they can be offbeat and be appreciated. That that’s a possibility.

It may not feel great right now to have been so vulnerable with Ghost, but my other relationships are doing great with my trying to see people and be seen by them. I am loved and validated as much as I need, mostly.

In re: justice - I don’t know what to do about that. I used to think I did, but now I have to admit that a lot of the agitating I have done towards social and economic fairness seems largely useless. *gestures vaguely at everything* I think I may have to pursue this more once I attain more wisdom.

I am doing okay on my timeline of pursuing wisdom, I think? I should get to a place that can be judged as situationally appropriate right actions in about 15 years? And 60ish isn’t such a bad age to attain wisdom. I am starting to get curious instead of listening to my biases about political stuff, for instance, in that I am capable of tolerating people who don’t realize how much ill they are doing me for 90 minutes at a time. Someday I would like to have the kind of contagious empathy that spreads into the world like ink into water. Once I have that, I should know what to do to foment a more just world.

I don’t know that the last thing is possible, given my brain and its properties. Anxiety is not a situationally appropriate response to most of the things my brain latches onto to overthink. But one can hope that since I give fewer and fewer fucks every year, I’ll get there eventually.

Comments

[silk_dragon_zen]

Resonating so much with this post! 💗


— Sage

All types

[nyyki]

Note that not all of us who choose to blend in are doing it as either external or internal suppression, and in some cases it's a matter of survival. I take joy in the, I don't know if it's knowledge, inkling, or illusion I generate, that people can interact with me and have no idea I'm unusual. Part of it is passing, but it's also the simple fact that as a facilitation extrovert I gain energy socializing with a wide array of people.

Note that I'm typing this out of love -- people don't look good in boxes. First off, people are a lot more interesting after they're unpacked, but boxes are for categorizing and sorting and storage, and the mental process is a form of othering. I'm not the adjectives other people try to hang on me, and the same goes for you and everyone else. You are far too interesting, nuanced, and original to be bound by adjectives or nouns. And that's why you're a close friend to me. You are Flaming Sword -- no other description is needed, and the adjectives don't come close to reflecting you.