the unknown self
Jul. 11th, 2022 02:17 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
flamingswordDo you ever wonder where your blind spots are?
I am in a contemplative mood today, trying to combat the restless legs and tense muscles of adjusting to an SNRI. (It's supposed to help with my pain and anxiety ... eventually.) So I'm trying to be meditative and look at my failures to understand people, but the trouble with that is that A: I have a shit memory for things that happen to me personally, and 2: I don't always get access to inside information that is accurate about people with whom I am having/have had disagreements and misunderstandings. Some people will fess up to stuff like jealousy, envy, and resentment - if you ask them sufficiently later that they no longer feel that way. But the people for whom those things tend to be true more often are probably ashamed of those feelings and motivations, and so would probably not admit them to me, especially when tensions were high. So I know where some of my blind spots are, but possibly not most of them.
So I don't know what to do about that. I am not much a resentful person the way I used to be when I was ashamed of stuff, or depressed all the time, or still in the grip of PTSD. I know I forget to account for shame now that it's been about 15 years since I had much experience with it. But now I think I'm losing touch with envy and resentment as well. There's this whole section of the feelings wheel that I'm starting to lose pieces of, and on the one hand, those are emotions that I don't like anyway and good riddance. But! On the other hand I am losing a lot of emotions on the border between anger and disgust, and it is going to increase the difficulty level of understanding other people, and that's already a struggle.
*insert shrug emoji*
I want to understand myself and why it is that I'm losing touch with things that used to be big pieces of me, and I want to not lose touch with humanity. But I don't know how this is happening in the first place or whether the trade off is worth it. I feel helpless and confused, and I don't like either of those things. Maybe it's time to do the assumption-reversal meditation? Because something about how I'm understanding this is not correct.
Meditation post coming after I do therapy.
I am in a contemplative mood today, trying to combat the restless legs and tense muscles of adjusting to an SNRI. (It's supposed to help with my pain and anxiety ... eventually.) So I'm trying to be meditative and look at my failures to understand people, but the trouble with that is that A: I have a shit memory for things that happen to me personally, and 2: I don't always get access to inside information that is accurate about people with whom I am having/have had disagreements and misunderstandings. Some people will fess up to stuff like jealousy, envy, and resentment - if you ask them sufficiently later that they no longer feel that way. But the people for whom those things tend to be true more often are probably ashamed of those feelings and motivations, and so would probably not admit them to me, especially when tensions were high. So I know where some of my blind spots are, but possibly not most of them.
So I don't know what to do about that. I am not much a resentful person the way I used to be when I was ashamed of stuff, or depressed all the time, or still in the grip of PTSD. I know I forget to account for shame now that it's been about 15 years since I had much experience with it. But now I think I'm losing touch with envy and resentment as well. There's this whole section of the feelings wheel that I'm starting to lose pieces of, and on the one hand, those are emotions that I don't like anyway and good riddance. But! On the other hand I am losing a lot of emotions on the border between anger and disgust, and it is going to increase the difficulty level of understanding other people, and that's already a struggle.
*insert shrug emoji*
I want to understand myself and why it is that I'm losing touch with things that used to be big pieces of me, and I want to not lose touch with humanity. But I don't know how this is happening in the first place or whether the trade off is worth it. I feel helpless and confused, and I don't like either of those things. Maybe it's time to do the assumption-reversal meditation? Because something about how I'm understanding this is not correct.
Meditation post coming after I do therapy.
no subject
Date: 2022-07-13 02:42 am (UTC)Which when upset/emotional is harder to do. :(“