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flamingswordIt occurred to me today that I have built up a skill, and that not everyone has that skillset who can also break it down into steps and explain them. Not that I'm an expert. But this is me: blogging about it.
0. Pay attention.
Does friend A have trouble saying they need help? Or have no trouble letting you know about their irritation and getting help with little things - but can't ask for the big stuff everyone needs help with? Does friend B have bad history with anybody? How embarrassed/anxious/ashamed is friend C about not keeping up appearances? Get to know people, listen to their stories, ask considerate questions, think about what their stories might say about their habits and values. You can't be a good friend to people you don't know, right?
1. Show up.
Is someone you know going through a major life milestone? Do they want to talk about that? Set aside some listening spoons, and dust off your advice in case they ask for it. Ask anyone you trust to tell you their story who had a similar life situation, and ask them for helpful advice to pass along. It helps you get to know the part of the second part, AND pass favors between the two parties which is an important social link. Not all social situations are about us, which is awesome, because that sounds exhausting.
Did you mess something up? Showing up means working on your own shit so that you can apologize, course correct, and move on. To disclaim responsibility is the essence of not showing up for your social obligations.
Is someone you know moving house? Help them move, if you have the ability. Call around and ask your friends who can help. Ask the friend who's moving if they can host a get together to help pack. Call their financially stable friend and ask if they can buy some boxes to bring to the packing party. Volunteer to bring dinner, sodas, etc.. Moving day: you probably need the exercise, you might get pizza out of it, and it's a day to get to know people better through bonding over a stressful situation. Are they having trouble unpacking? Mob their house for a housewarming where people show up with tools to hang pictures and open boxes. Unpack things, arrange things, talk and laugh and have fun.
Did a loved one of theirs die? Ask them what you can do for them. If they can't find an answer, ask them what you are forbidden from doing for them: sending flowers, gifting booze, bringing a casserole to their house, donating to a cause in their loved one's memory, attending a graveside service specifically as moral support for them? They may not be able to identify wants, but they will be able to tell what they would not be able to bear.
2. Make it easy.
Get a Slack channel, a Discord server, a Mastodon hosting server, a Google Groups. A facebook group if you for some reason still trust a billionaire robot who accidentally deleted his empathy. Whatever fulfills the role of people talking to each other about their lives, sharing advice and help, and coordinating with each other on any platform that you trust or can afford. Then start inviting people. Make sure that you either choose your group with an eye to being able to be trusted or set aside daily time to moderate. If nobody is using the group, they are either distrusting or disconnected. Forming a consensus on ground rules about fairness, etc. will kick off a lively debate to encourage discussion if nothing else, and possibly help people feel both safer and more invested.
3. Reciprocate. Move favors around the group.
Reciprocation requires asking for help. Got a thing you don't know how to do, or just suck at? If you ask for help, it moves the favors around the network.
Do you need to know about what the name for something is that you heard of once in a not-easily-search-enginable area? Ask your friend who had a related major in college if she knows or knows who would know. Does your awesome prowess not extend to drawing a thumbnail image for your Etsy shop? Trade favors with your friend or commission their friend who can do it professionally. People have skills, and if you ask around, somebody in your network knows somebody who knows somebody.
Errand hangs are the way my people express love. Come thrift shopping with me, and then I will drive you to the post office? Perfect.
4. Build trust.
Put marbles in the marble jar and keep track of it. Don't love bomb people or let them do it to you. Build trust slowly to sustain social relationships - if you put too much strain on a growing thing too fragile to hold it then the living thing can be warped out of it's natural shape, or broken entirely.
Build trust by deserving trust - keep a tidy and fascist-free social space. Don't be welcoming of everyone. Discriminate on the basis of trustworthiness, fairness, and being unprejudiced.
If someone in a group is being an asshole, confront them privately about it. Ask them to explain. Challenge the bad behavior. If the person is in fact, just an asshole, and the discussion gets out of hand (because asshole), explain that if the behavior continues they will not continue being welcome in your social space.
Stick up for your friends by not allowing predators, abusers, or sufficiently toxic people to use you as camouflage for their bad friendship. Silence about abusers does mean an amount of complicity with their actions, if you could have risked telling others about it. Also: learn enough self esteem that you can stick up for yourself and not give an abuser access to your friends through your shame about thinking you deserve it. If they will do it to you, they will do it to others (you are not some special snowflake of deserving abuse).
0. Pay attention.
Does friend A have trouble saying they need help? Or have no trouble letting you know about their irritation and getting help with little things - but can't ask for the big stuff everyone needs help with? Does friend B have bad history with anybody? How embarrassed/anxious/ashamed is friend C about not keeping up appearances? Get to know people, listen to their stories, ask considerate questions, think about what their stories might say about their habits and values. You can't be a good friend to people you don't know, right?
1. Show up.
Is someone you know going through a major life milestone? Do they want to talk about that? Set aside some listening spoons, and dust off your advice in case they ask for it. Ask anyone you trust to tell you their story who had a similar life situation, and ask them for helpful advice to pass along. It helps you get to know the part of the second part, AND pass favors between the two parties which is an important social link. Not all social situations are about us, which is awesome, because that sounds exhausting.
Did you mess something up? Showing up means working on your own shit so that you can apologize, course correct, and move on. To disclaim responsibility is the essence of not showing up for your social obligations.
Is someone you know moving house? Help them move, if you have the ability. Call around and ask your friends who can help. Ask the friend who's moving if they can host a get together to help pack. Call their financially stable friend and ask if they can buy some boxes to bring to the packing party. Volunteer to bring dinner, sodas, etc.. Moving day: you probably need the exercise, you might get pizza out of it, and it's a day to get to know people better through bonding over a stressful situation. Are they having trouble unpacking? Mob their house for a housewarming where people show up with tools to hang pictures and open boxes. Unpack things, arrange things, talk and laugh and have fun.
Did a loved one of theirs die? Ask them what you can do for them. If they can't find an answer, ask them what you are forbidden from doing for them: sending flowers, gifting booze, bringing a casserole to their house, donating to a cause in their loved one's memory, attending a graveside service specifically as moral support for them? They may not be able to identify wants, but they will be able to tell what they would not be able to bear.
2. Make it easy.
Get a Slack channel, a Discord server, a Mastodon hosting server, a Google Groups. A facebook group if you for some reason still trust a billionaire robot who accidentally deleted his empathy. Whatever fulfills the role of people talking to each other about their lives, sharing advice and help, and coordinating with each other on any platform that you trust or can afford. Then start inviting people. Make sure that you either choose your group with an eye to being able to be trusted or set aside daily time to moderate. If nobody is using the group, they are either distrusting or disconnected. Forming a consensus on ground rules about fairness, etc. will kick off a lively debate to encourage discussion if nothing else, and possibly help people feel both safer and more invested.
3. Reciprocate. Move favors around the group.
Reciprocation requires asking for help. Got a thing you don't know how to do, or just suck at? If you ask for help, it moves the favors around the network.
Do you need to know about what the name for something is that you heard of once in a not-easily-search-enginable area? Ask your friend who had a related major in college if she knows or knows who would know. Does your awesome prowess not extend to drawing a thumbnail image for your Etsy shop? Trade favors with your friend or commission their friend who can do it professionally. People have skills, and if you ask around, somebody in your network knows somebody who knows somebody.
Errand hangs are the way my people express love. Come thrift shopping with me, and then I will drive you to the post office? Perfect.
4. Build trust.
Put marbles in the marble jar and keep track of it. Don't love bomb people or let them do it to you. Build trust slowly to sustain social relationships - if you put too much strain on a growing thing too fragile to hold it then the living thing can be warped out of it's natural shape, or broken entirely.
Build trust by deserving trust - keep a tidy and fascist-free social space. Don't be welcoming of everyone. Discriminate on the basis of trustworthiness, fairness, and being unprejudiced.
If someone in a group is being an asshole, confront them privately about it. Ask them to explain. Challenge the bad behavior. If the person is in fact, just an asshole, and the discussion gets out of hand (because asshole), explain that if the behavior continues they will not continue being welcome in your social space.
Stick up for your friends by not allowing predators, abusers, or sufficiently toxic people to use you as camouflage for their bad friendship. Silence about abusers does mean an amount of complicity with their actions, if you could have risked telling others about it. Also: learn enough self esteem that you can stick up for yourself and not give an abuser access to your friends through your shame about thinking you deserve it. If they will do it to you, they will do it to others (you are not some special snowflake of deserving abuse).
no subject
Date: 2021-11-10 02:58 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2021-11-10 03:41 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2021-11-10 06:16 pm (UTC)Before the pandemic, of course.
no subject
Date: 2021-11-10 11:42 am (UTC)Peopleing is hard.
no subject
Date: 2021-11-10 01:52 pm (UTC)There are now more advanced skills popping up in my head, so I will be making a draft for a second post, I guess.
no subject
Date: 2021-11-10 09:06 pm (UTC)