Social Intelligence and Failures Thereof.
Feb. 5th, 2019 09:43 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
flamingswordOkay, let's make a game of spotting neurotypical versus autistic social skill failures!
Study the person you suspect of being neurodivergent. If they interrupt those whose opinions don't matter to their job or lives when they are speaking, they have bad social skills. If they interrupt their boss, those bad social skills aren't necessarily associated with the power heirarchies in which you only disrespect those below you. If someone has a delusion like racism or sexism, then they will reflexively estimate themselves higher than their bosses if their bosses are below them in the delusionary hierarchy. If they don't even recognize that there is a power dynamic in play, and will interrupt anyone including straight white male bosses, then they are probably autistic.
If you watch where people's eyes go, you can often deduce what they want. If someone stares at the gender of their preference for longer than two seconds at a time, they have bad social skills. If they stare longer than ten seconds, they are either being intentionally intimidating or they have no clue that social predators do that, and are behaving that way by accident. This does not have a clear demarcation between neurotypicality and autism, but it is worth noting that while predators can pretend to have bad social skills, their bad social skills don't extend to people they aren't attracted to who have the social capital to push back against them. Autistics with bad social skills dont tend to be able to hide that they have bad social skills. In order to learn to fake social skills you have to actually understand the social dynamic at play, which means really having the social skill.
If someone has anxiety and chooses to deal with that anxiety by avoiding the conditions that give rise to the problem, that person has poor ways of dealing with their own feelings. If a person gets into those situations because they can't predict them, but then will avoid actions that alleviate the underlying problem, they have bad social skills *and* bad ways of dealing with their own feelings. Neurotypical people do not often get paralyzed by the intensity and number of their own feelings, so the latter indicates autism in a way that the former does not. If they avoid confronting their feelings and the situation to the point of collapse/missed deadlines then they have executive dysfunction and are not neurotypical any way you slice it.
When you point out a small error and the person gets upset with you for pointing it out, that person has bad social skills. If the person doubles down on the error or tries to make the error someone ELSE'S problem to fix, that person is probably neurotypical. Autistic people, in general, tend to think that if other people's actions are giving rise to a problem, then they can't fix it themselves and it's up to us to do so. We get used to being the only one who can be counted on while young, and if we don't find others who can be counted on, we often don't ever outgrow that assumption.
If the subject of study reacts to uncertainty/not knowing the answer to something by being extra certain in the absence of evidence, they have bad emotional intelligence. If they react to uncertainty by stalling out or insisting stonily that there is no way to be sure, they are probably neurodivergent. If they do that and then propose ridiculous and complicated ways to get data about the area of uncertainty, they are not wasting your time, they are trying to help everyone be informed about what they consider a dangerous risk. It is a grey area, but does indicate autism as it disregards other people's feelings about the risk.
(With credit tobestmiaou for getting the conversation started and some of the distinctions.)
(With credit also tofeotakahari for the good point about which hierarchies get recognition and respect.)
Study the person you suspect of being neurodivergent. If they interrupt those whose opinions don't matter to their job or lives when they are speaking, they have bad social skills. If they interrupt their boss, those bad social skills aren't necessarily associated with the power heirarchies in which you only disrespect those below you. If someone has a delusion like racism or sexism, then they will reflexively estimate themselves higher than their bosses if their bosses are below them in the delusionary hierarchy. If they don't even recognize that there is a power dynamic in play, and will interrupt anyone including straight white male bosses, then they are probably autistic.
If you watch where people's eyes go, you can often deduce what they want. If someone stares at the gender of their preference for longer than two seconds at a time, they have bad social skills. If they stare longer than ten seconds, they are either being intentionally intimidating or they have no clue that social predators do that, and are behaving that way by accident. This does not have a clear demarcation between neurotypicality and autism, but it is worth noting that while predators can pretend to have bad social skills, their bad social skills don't extend to people they aren't attracted to who have the social capital to push back against them. Autistics with bad social skills dont tend to be able to hide that they have bad social skills. In order to learn to fake social skills you have to actually understand the social dynamic at play, which means really having the social skill.
If someone has anxiety and chooses to deal with that anxiety by avoiding the conditions that give rise to the problem, that person has poor ways of dealing with their own feelings. If a person gets into those situations because they can't predict them, but then will avoid actions that alleviate the underlying problem, they have bad social skills *and* bad ways of dealing with their own feelings. Neurotypical people do not often get paralyzed by the intensity and number of their own feelings, so the latter indicates autism in a way that the former does not. If they avoid confronting their feelings and the situation to the point of collapse/missed deadlines then they have executive dysfunction and are not neurotypical any way you slice it.
When you point out a small error and the person gets upset with you for pointing it out, that person has bad social skills. If the person doubles down on the error or tries to make the error someone ELSE'S problem to fix, that person is probably neurotypical. Autistic people, in general, tend to think that if other people's actions are giving rise to a problem, then they can't fix it themselves and it's up to us to do so. We get used to being the only one who can be counted on while young, and if we don't find others who can be counted on, we often don't ever outgrow that assumption.
If the subject of study reacts to uncertainty/not knowing the answer to something by being extra certain in the absence of evidence, they have bad emotional intelligence. If they react to uncertainty by stalling out or insisting stonily that there is no way to be sure, they are probably neurodivergent. If they do that and then propose ridiculous and complicated ways to get data about the area of uncertainty, they are not wasting your time, they are trying to help everyone be informed about what they consider a dangerous risk. It is a grey area, but does indicate autism as it disregards other people's feelings about the risk.
(With credit to
bestmiaou for getting the conversation started and some of the distinctions.)(With credit also to
feotakahari for the good point about which hierarchies get recognition and respect.)
no subject
Date: 2019-02-05 04:09 pm (UTC)I once worked with a man who didn’t seem to be autistic, but who would interrupt women who outranked him. He didn’t do the same with men who outranked him, so I think it was a sexism thing.
no subject
Date: 2019-02-05 04:46 pm (UTC)But you are correct that I need to make a distinction.
no subject
Date: 2019-02-05 05:32 pm (UTC)This actually varies a lot by gender. Autistic cis women and afab people very often do develop some kind of an understanding of social dynamics, at least intellectually, in order to survive, as we don't have the male privilege that gives wide latitude for cis men's behaviour. It doesn't mean we're not autistic.
no subject
Date: 2019-02-05 08:31 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-02-06 10:22 am (UTC)