(no subject)

I think I might have a process addiction to research and also to helping people. That high that I get off of being able to hyper focus on something, and the reward feelings I get from checking my “I’m a helpful person” tickybox may not be the same feeling, but I don’t draw boundaries about either one, or manage to avoid them for long if the opportunity presents itself.

And sometimes I use it as an excuse not to work on my own shit, and to not draw boundaries that I ought to draw to take care of myself, because I’m “helping”. I love listening to the Unlocking Us podcast, it’s entertaining and informative, but also I kind of resent it for making me look from different perspectives at the work I need to do on myself. Because I have been neglecting that for a while.

I got to a place where I did not hate myself or have a bunch of shame issues, and I kind of just called it good on my personality. Which is not … bad exactly, just not done, you know?

Also I feel like I might be wavering on the leading edge of a depressive episode. Here, have a Hobbitcore music playlist to get your Bilbo on with. I’m going to knit and listen to calming pastoral music while my brain quits hurting from that infodump of a realization.