the edge of a fractal and working in

I think the dissociative impulse in people who are controlling comes from a difference in prioritizing fears.
The people I know who feel threatened by the world are standoffish with strangers and open up to people who are known quantities. The rest of us are equally standoffish with everyone on certain subjects, regardless of knowing them. Some things, like rage, we do not share at all.

I believe the reason for this to be the origin and direction of the feared pressure. We, the sociopathic, give greater credence to the fear of what is within us pushing out. If someone fears being weak and being overwhelmed by the world, then the walls are to keep others out. If someone fears being strong and destroying the world around them, the emotional walls are to keep parts of the self within. For the protection of the self and the other, the destructive components must be given limited room to maneuver. They must be kept at a tactical disadvantage.

I think some people have both sets of walls, and that's the really confusing bit. Unexpected surrenders are like running upstairs and the top step being missing. We go flying off into conjecture on the upper levels of the mind. I'd like to make a good landing, and grab whatever thought it is that's floating just beyond where I can reach.

No day but today.

Just saw RENT. Still sniffling. Even though I know this lesson, it's good to be reminded. Even though I've seen this story live (in my own life,not on stage), and lost those people, the story is still beautiful and the message is still worth hearing again.

I try to sing loud, and love hard, and live strong. I try to ignore the dumb stuff, and give less of myself to fear and money, and give more of myself to everything else. I do pretty well. I try to walk a balanced line between being watered down by the mainstream and dying of thirst. I try to pay attention. I try to give and let myself be given to. And I don't always make it. I don't always not-make-an-ass-of-myself. But here's me, still being alive. Here's my voice in pixels still wording out to you, and leaving behind echoes of good times. Here are my colors so bright they leave after-images so that you can see me even when I'm gone.

We burn bright. It's good.