biological sabotage

[flamingsword]

Two weeks ago I got back on birth control because I thought I might have an ovarian cyst. It was an occasional pain, and I wasnt waiting for it to get worse before I did something about it. The symptoms are the same as two years ago, and Im as sure as I can be short of an ultrasound. Last time this happened I missed 13 days of work across two and a half months, which was pretty inconvenient. Yesterday I missed work because I was over-medicated to the point of being a little woozy and low-blood-pressurey and I still couldnt stand up straight.

Yeah, I have another thing wrong with me. And it hurts and everything, but what really gets to me is this sense that my body is wrong somehow, that it isnt supposed to be this way. Theres a lot of conflation of feelings there, and its hard to chase down. Betrayal, worry, tenderness for my body, aggravation, defeat. I feel like my body is a failure, like no matter how much care I take of it, it is never going to perform on par with similar models. I feel defective.

I want a robot body. As soon as it becomes available, if they need early adopters to test it out, I am willing to jump off the edge of the world, out of these perceptions and into something possibly dangerous or hellish, so that I can have some kind of standard model of something. Ray Kurzweil promised that we would have robot proxies already, and I am still waiting, yo.


Now Im going to go listen to Rainbow Connection by Weezer again.

Comments

[elucreh.livejournal.com]

Oh, my darling, how well I know that feeling. Sending good vibes your way, K?

[flamingsword.livejournal.com]

You should also good vibe yourself by listening to pop covers of Muppet songs. Click the LIIIIIIIIINK!!

[franceschina.livejournal.com]

It really isn't any consolation, I know, but you aren't the only one who feels that way (so at least you have company to go with your misery?). Feeling broken is no good at all. Broken and hopeless is totally unfair.

I hope it abates soon. And if it does, I hope you'll keep an eye out for workable solutions to keep this from running you down so badly in the future.

And just for the record, I liked Amy Lee's "Halfway Down the Stairs" a lot better than Weezer's "Rainbow Connection." Album comes out this week, you know. ;)

[flamingsword.livejournal.com]

I've always liked Rainbow Connection and It Isn't Easy Being Green as songs, Muppet associations aside. But I like some of the slow funkiness they've added to some of these songs EVEN MORE. (Sorry, Kermit.)

[marilla82.livejournal.com]

I...understand? And that's not really so much of a comfort or anything. At least, I don't think it is. But, sometimes it's nice to know that at least one other person knows what you're feeling.

Anyway, there's not much to be done except to find the thing that's not doing what it's supposed to and figure out what needs to be done to make it work the right way.

Sending healing thoughts your way!