(no subject)
Nov. 1st, 2010 02:51 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
flamingswordIf I apologize for being away, for thinking that the upswing meant that I would be out of the woods soon and got both our hopes up, that means there's an expectation that I'm trying to hold myself to and then I will be tongue-tied. So I'll just ramble and see what my brain says, and you can like it or not.
Today I have been thinking, among other things, about my relationship with food. I'm gluten intolerant, so I have to be vigilant about making sure I know what ingredients are in all the things that I eat. That means that I have to know how most dishes are made, whether they can include hidden glutens, like the fermented wheats in soy sauce, or the barley malt in most cereals. I can't eat Chinese food any more, because of the very likely cross-contamination. I cant eat industrially processed meat, because most of it uses injected saline with wheat additives to condition and flavor the meat. I can't have soft-serve ice-cream in which flour is used as a thickener, several candies because they dust the prep surfaces with flour to keep them from sticking, or most vegetarian fake-meats because they use seitan, a condensed wheat protein, in them.
It's hard to go out to eat with my friends and relax, because there's going to be a hassle asking the staff to make sure for me on any suspect items. It's hard to ask my friends to dinner knowing that they are going to have to sit through the hassle . . . again. I miss the foods I can't have, and even though I'm not watching people eat with mournful envy (anymore) it's still strange for some of them, because they feel like they have an unearned privilege, or they feel powerless to help me, or they suddenly have a way to perceive the power imbalance of our relationship via my most visible disability.
The other disability has been eating my joy this week, and anhedonia is (literally) no fun. I'vee been eating not-very-tasty health foods this week because they are cheap and I don't have to care if they aren't satisfying. But I want chocolate, want alcohol, want sushi, though eating it won't make me feel better so I'll eat more of it than I should. I think maybe if you look at addicts closely, you'll find undiagnosed depression in a majority of them. I stop myself from addictive behaviors with food etc., because I'm not that invested in feeling better (feeling at all) and I've come to remember how I developed the not-feeling-my-feelings coping mechanism to this same bullshit back in the teen years. It's a bit like being hungry all the time, and nothing satisfying you as you are helpless to quench it, so you learn to never feel the hunger. It's one constant signal, like the noise of the refrigerator running, and you just tune it out. You have to think about the hunger to notice it at all.
That's a lot of baggage to put on a relationship with something as simple as food. But it's also how I remember to savor the parts of my life that are not lived in monochrome, and to enjoy my senses when they're sharper. Days like today I just cling to the balance.
Today I have been thinking, among other things, about my relationship with food. I'm gluten intolerant, so I have to be vigilant about making sure I know what ingredients are in all the things that I eat. That means that I have to know how most dishes are made, whether they can include hidden glutens, like the fermented wheats in soy sauce, or the barley malt in most cereals. I can't eat Chinese food any more, because of the very likely cross-contamination. I cant eat industrially processed meat, because most of it uses injected saline with wheat additives to condition and flavor the meat. I can't have soft-serve ice-cream in which flour is used as a thickener, several candies because they dust the prep surfaces with flour to keep them from sticking, or most vegetarian fake-meats because they use seitan, a condensed wheat protein, in them.
It's hard to go out to eat with my friends and relax, because there's going to be a hassle asking the staff to make sure for me on any suspect items. It's hard to ask my friends to dinner knowing that they are going to have to sit through the hassle . . . again. I miss the foods I can't have, and even though I'm not watching people eat with mournful envy (anymore) it's still strange for some of them, because they feel like they have an unearned privilege, or they feel powerless to help me, or they suddenly have a way to perceive the power imbalance of our relationship via my most visible disability.
The other disability has been eating my joy this week, and anhedonia is (literally) no fun. I'vee been eating not-very-tasty health foods this week because they are cheap and I don't have to care if they aren't satisfying. But I want chocolate, want alcohol, want sushi, though eating it won't make me feel better so I'll eat more of it than I should. I think maybe if you look at addicts closely, you'll find undiagnosed depression in a majority of them. I stop myself from addictive behaviors with food etc., because I'm not that invested in feeling better (feeling at all) and I've come to remember how I developed the not-feeling-my-feelings coping mechanism to this same bullshit back in the teen years. It's a bit like being hungry all the time, and nothing satisfying you as you are helpless to quench it, so you learn to never feel the hunger. It's one constant signal, like the noise of the refrigerator running, and you just tune it out. You have to think about the hunger to notice it at all.
That's a lot of baggage to put on a relationship with something as simple as food. But it's also how I remember to savor the parts of my life that are not lived in monochrome, and to enjoy my senses when they're sharper. Days like today I just cling to the balance.
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no subject
Date: 2010-11-01 02:20 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-11-01 04:44 pm (UTC)You've got me thinking about how I take food for granted...
Let me ask you this (if there even is an answer): What would make you more comfortable if you go out to dinner with friends? If you already knew the menu so you know what you could order? If your friends already knew the menu so they could help? If your friends patiently waited or otherwise encouraged your presence and proved that it was worth any GF conversations? Or if you just started pot-lucking? Is there one I missed?
This is not really an issue for me.
Date: 2010-11-01 07:54 pm (UTC)I suspect that this is mostly consideration for others on your part and not real concerns from others. I can't imagining a friend begrudging the drilling of a server for their friend's health needs. And though your concern for your friends is admirable, it might be good to ask them if it actually bothers them. I know with me it definitely wouldn't.
Know that I'm in your corner with you if you need it.
no subject
Date: 2010-11-02 12:29 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-11-02 01:07 am (UTC)Your friends don't care that you need to know in detail what's going into your body. Good waitstaff won't care as long as you're not a jerk about it. Bad waitstaff earn no tips and the restaurants that employ them get no patronage.
-BJ
Gluten's a valid allergy
Date: 2010-11-02 12:30 pm (UTC)I'm allergic to shellfish (oh I miss shrimp) and my husband is allergic to that as well as pecans. Living in Texas, it gets tough to avoid pecans. We had to avoid certain BBQ places that smoke their meat with pecan wood.
We're heading to New Orleans next month - so you betcha I'm asking the waiter to be careful not to get any crayfish or shrimp on my plate.
Kev and I have to avoid Mongolian places now because too often the person next to us has shrimp and their food ends up mixing with ours.
HUGS!
Date: 2010-11-02 03:22 pm (UTC)Have you tried Farmer's Markets to see if they have a meat selection? I know a family who farms organically grass-fed cattle. My parents don't they feed their's corn. So going local might work out.
I like the potluck meals idea! Go camp out in houses for a few hours and visit; very homey. :)
I love you, Sister Who!
no subject
Date: 2010-11-02 09:43 pm (UTC)Have you tried Ethiopian?
Date: 2010-11-05 05:37 am (UTC)Re: Have you tried Ethiopian?
Date: 2010-11-05 08:23 am (UTC)