(no subject)
Feb. 25th, 2010 01:21 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
flamingswordWho wants to be on the Asperger's/PDD-NOS/crazy person filter? If you are not already on it and wish to be, comment to be added. Also, check out my delicious page for an arseload of links on the subject.
Most of my success in relating to people is in knowing where to start. Normal people give you clues about acceptable topics to talk to them about by how they dress, how they represent themselves culturally. Nerds, people wearing band or movie paraphernalia, and fans of sports teams are particularly easy to distinguish visually. The rest I just ask. And that was hard to learn to do, but is now pretty easy - just wander up to someone and introduce myself and ask them what they're finding interesting and how they like whatever is going on. I make conversation. Conversational topics to share are most of why I read regular news and watch what little television I do watch. It requires a time investment to have something to share that's worth talking and thinking about, but it opens doors small talk can't, and it lets people get a feel for how you think from which they can gauge the best way to relate to you.
My confidence in approaching and asking for someone's attention signifies that I believe I have the right to do so and the capacity to be more fun than what they are currently doing. People are sensitive to that kind of prompting. I have acceptable losses on missed connections (usually about one in four conversations goes nowhere), but there are generally enough people around who aren't otherwise engaged that I can find someone to talk to. And then I just give us turns being entertaining to each other. We get to know each other through a process of each seeing how the other person connects with the previous thought and from the direction they take the conversation in, we get a sense of the shape of their mind. If the directions that you take the conversation in are acceptable, and if you yield turns in a timely and generous manner, conversations can go on for hours without becoming tedious or uncomfortable. In the course of one afternoon and evening, I once got a woman to tell me her entire life story. But if you are paying close attention and skilled at reading people, you can get to know about half of what is publicly available about that person in half an hour. It's quite fascinating.
Turn taking is very necessary, as are active listening, sending clear signals, and social rewarding. I'll hit those up next post.
Most of my success in relating to people is in knowing where to start. Normal people give you clues about acceptable topics to talk to them about by how they dress, how they represent themselves culturally. Nerds, people wearing band or movie paraphernalia, and fans of sports teams are particularly easy to distinguish visually. The rest I just ask. And that was hard to learn to do, but is now pretty easy - just wander up to someone and introduce myself and ask them what they're finding interesting and how they like whatever is going on. I make conversation. Conversational topics to share are most of why I read regular news and watch what little television I do watch. It requires a time investment to have something to share that's worth talking and thinking about, but it opens doors small talk can't, and it lets people get a feel for how you think from which they can gauge the best way to relate to you.
My confidence in approaching and asking for someone's attention signifies that I believe I have the right to do so and the capacity to be more fun than what they are currently doing. People are sensitive to that kind of prompting. I have acceptable losses on missed connections (usually about one in four conversations goes nowhere), but there are generally enough people around who aren't otherwise engaged that I can find someone to talk to. And then I just give us turns being entertaining to each other. We get to know each other through a process of each seeing how the other person connects with the previous thought and from the direction they take the conversation in, we get a sense of the shape of their mind. If the directions that you take the conversation in are acceptable, and if you yield turns in a timely and generous manner, conversations can go on for hours without becoming tedious or uncomfortable. In the course of one afternoon and evening, I once got a woman to tell me her entire life story. But if you are paying close attention and skilled at reading people, you can get to know about half of what is publicly available about that person in half an hour. It's quite fascinating.
Turn taking is very necessary, as are active listening, sending clear signals, and social rewarding. I'll hit those up next post.
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no subject
Date: 2010-02-25 11:59 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-02-28 07:56 pm (UTC)I'm afraid that you're going to see that side of me, the side of me that is monstrous and strong and still lives in my skin, and that knowing that side of me will make you afraid either for me or of me.
I'm putting you on anyway, because of one of the most valuable things I know: If you're going to leave then you're going to leave. Delaying it by prevarication is just wasting both our time. I am giving you an opportunity to hurt my feelings really badly, since I'm still not solid on these things, and the emotional weight of them is still unresolved. I'm not going to ask you to not hurt me, because that's always wishful thinking. I'm just asking that you try to keep both sides of me in sight, and to remember which side of me won.
no subject
Date: 2010-03-01 02:48 pm (UTC)I like you and I figure anything you went through, even the fucked-up stuff, made you who you are today so I can't see me rejecting you. I've done things that I'm not proud of. I've learned from them and moved on. Sometimes you can't fully put things behind you, things that other people did to you, and I understand that more than most.
I figure you are stuck with me until such a time as you don't want to be. ;)
no subject
Date: 2010-03-01 06:35 pm (UTC)Parts of me are alien and I'm going to confuse you, and I will be saying honest things that will tell you that, from your normal context, I am a bad person.
no subject
Date: 2010-03-01 06:40 pm (UTC)